Shifitng Paradigms

Hello again! I cannot believe that I have not posted for 3 months.... I have missed you very much! I didn't realize how much blogging had become a part of my world until it was removed. This has been an incredible experience.

I am about halfway through this adventure that God has called me to. It is strange to think of all that has happened in my life and heart.

When God calls us to something new, He so often calls us beyond ourselves, and in the midst of that calling, our lives, and thoughts, and hearts change. Have you ever 'felt' your life change? Have you ever stood in a moment and realized that you are different now than you were even 10 minutes ago? A few years ago, I got a CD from a Christian Group (not even sure if they are still together), and one of the lyrics is "I stand silent while my paradigm keeps shifting", and these lyrics run through my head constantly. I have had almost daily moments where I can almost feel my heart changing, or I KNOW that my paradigm has shifted.

I believe that God is always working in our lives, and everyday in the humdrum and mundane even, He has a purpose and a plan. Psalm 139 says that everyday is accounted for. I used to think that meant He knows how many days I will live, and while that is true, I think that there is more to it than that. I think that sometimes we underestimate God's thoughts towards us. He knows what you are going to be doing today, He knows that you were going to take this 10 minutes and read this post... and guess what..... He has a purpose for it, and He knows where it fits within the context of our lives!

When you or someone around you has a major change in circumstance like they go on a missions trip, or they move away, or something cataclysmic occurs, it is often easy to see the changes that occur in their lives, not because the change is more dramatic, but perhaps because the circumstances create a spotlight for us to see the changes because we are looking for them. I know that with this opportunity in my life, I will return to the 'real world' and people will spend time watching for changes, seeing how my time away has changed me. Interestingly enough, though, before I left, I had been through a season of major change as well, but my circumstances didn't change, and so no one seemed to notice.

I say that to encourage you, scrutinize your responses to things, be alert to your thoughts, and think back to last year, or last month, or perhaps even last week and see how different you are. If you are exactly the same, you might need to look at that and question why (maybe you are well adjusted and in the right head space, and don't need changing... if that is the case, please email me and I will turn the reigns of this over to you!), or perhaps you will be amazed at how much God has done in you in such a short time!

Taking a Sabbatical

I am off on a journey that will take me out of the 'blogging world' for the next 6 months. While I am away, rest assured that I will return... don't take me off your link lists! So, have a great rest of 2008 and see you in the new year!

Redraw the Line

How's this for 'messy' and out there. I lost 50 pounds, and I still feel fat!

Ok here's the story behind the emotion. A year and a half ago, God rocked my world and gave me success in weight loss for the first time in 100 years (or so it felt like!) , I was totally happy with the success of it all. I felt great, stronger, like for the first time I could accomplish a goal. In doing so God broke off a number of lids in my life regarding what I could accomplish.

Over time, I have slipped back into my old eating ways. Thankfully, I have not gained a whole lot back, but I do FEEL yucky like the old days. I have suddenly found myself thinking in the way I used to think, and dealing with those feelings in old ways.

There is a cycle that follows those who don't eat well and then gain weight. There is a sense of hopelessness to the whole situation, as day after day after day, you promise yourself that today I will stick to the 'holy' plan, only to succumb right after breakfast! For too many years, I lived beating myself up about the food I was putting into my mouth, and I thought that I had gotten a major breakthrough, that I was free!!!! Except like a lot of battles, merely gaining the ground is not enough, you have to fight to keep it!

All the way through my weight loss, I knew that I knew that God had done a big work in me just to be able to make the better choices and stick to them. It was all God. But I think over time, as I ate whatever I wanted to, and found that I didn't gain that much, I started to make a fatal mistake. I started to take credit for the weight loss, and for the changes in my life style. They became a source of pride (not in a good way!), and part of my identity. As time went on, I felt this accomplishment slipping away at the same rate as my jeans got a little tighter, and I suddenly felt myself being who I used to be. And I panicked every time I made a plan to get back on track and failed. I began to wonder why God had removed his grace from this area of my life.

In dealing with these feelings, I began to chat with a friend who has struggled with smoking on and off for years, and she has resolved and tried to quit more times than I can count. At one point she was doing quite well, and then something happened and she was back to it. She too felt like God had withdrawn the grace for the victory.

I began to think. What if there are moments in our lives where God does a great work, but requires of us that we continue to rely on Him to continue to see the victory in that area? What if occasionally He re-draws the line of our dependence on Him?

I think of the kids in my life and the times when they are doing something new, they are so determined to do it on their own and depending on what it is, I will stand by and watch, occasionally offering my help. Frequently what happens is help is needed but not for the WHOLE task, just for the next step. So I assist when asked, then take my hands off to allow for the learning to continue, until the next hurdle. I have noticed as they grow and get stronger, I find I stand just a little further away from them, because it helps me to see the big picture of what they are trying to accomplish, and they don't need me with my hand on their back like they did when they were toddlers.

Occasionally, they get to a point where they are stuck or don't know what to do next, an offer of help often is responded to with "no thanks, I can do it" followed by a long pause, then "umm... auntie Laura, could you help me?" With a smile, I always step in, but I need to wait to be asked. It makes sense that God responds similarly to us. I don't suppose that it is fair then, to wonder where His grace has gone, when we choose not to utilize it!

Is there an area of your life that needs God's help?

Weekend Reflections

I spent the weekend with 2 of my fave people in the whole wide world. My 8 year-old niece and my 5 year-old nephew. We did lots of fun stuff and have a great time. I am trying very hard to squeeze in as much time with them as I can before I go away for 6 months.

There are always challenges that come with kids who miss their parents and aunties who are tired from the shift into 'parenthood'. It is so much fun though, despite the challenges to stop and take stock of who these little people are becoming. The older they get, the more we recognize the personality traits that were present all along. I recall looking at baby pictures and seeing an expression that we thought was just 'cute' but we see now that it holds all the compassion and caring that is so much a part of who she is becoming as a young lady. In the same way, those big blue eyes and dimples he has had everyday of his life, continue to melt any amount of frustration or tiredness even when meting out consequences of his poor choices.

Coming home from a weekend with the kids, I always have a long list of examples of how my life with them is like my life with God. For weeks after, I will be in situations and God will whisper to me "do you remember with the kids... that is the same with me". It has seemed that my walk and development in the spirit has mirrored their physical development. When they were babies, God spoke to me about complete dependence on Him, as they are getting older and more independant, God is speaking to me about a maturing process in my life. Always it has to do with the sentiment expressed in Matt 7:9-11

9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

I think of the things that I am willing to do for those kids...... and that is me who is EVIL....... God is amazing!! Think about that!

One of only...

I have never been driven to be the best at anything. I have never desired the status that comes from being first. It never made any sense to me why people stand in line for hours to watch a movie on opening night.... I figure it will be the same movie 3 weeks from now when I watch it in a half empty theatre where I had my pick of seats.
Lately though, I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be "one of only..." I recently was selected to attend a training program/interview process for a really amazing job. For 2 weeks they put us through the paces, and we knew that there were more candidates than job offers. Right from the get-go it was instilled into us that we were the elite. 3000 resumes, 250 interviews, 100 candidates, and only 75 positions. It was truly an honour to be selected for the training.
Even more amazing perhaps is that in being chosen for the position, I realized, they have only run this program 5 times before, and only 75 people per session, means that for this exact job, only about 400 people in all of Canada have ever done what I am going to do! It makes you stop and think for a moment.
It is strange that in some circumstances we take our value and worth from the number of people we rank higher than. In other circumstances it is the fact that a pool is so limited that makes it so special.
Even though we spend our lives being ranked and judge either by how many we have overcome or by how limited the numbers we share our experiences with, with God, EVERYONE is exactly the same.... we are ALL sinners. The great levelling ground of our lives is in the declaration from God that we all need Jesus. Even more incredible is that even our sins are not ranked, God views each one as equal to the other. Amazingly then, the Bible says that we cannot boast in ourselves, because Christ is the sacrifice that makes grace possible-it is not of ourselves.
Yet, within this massive crowd of humanity that we stand shoulder to shoulder with, equally in need of salvation, Jesus is somehow able to draw us out, one-by-one, to meet our needs and to approach us in a unique way that says "You are my one and only. You are my beloved". Only once in all of human history, has a perfect, sinless, holy man, met the requirements that I, yet another sinner, needed for my salvation. To draw a very poor analogy..... that would be like destroying the Mona Lisa because the frame was the perfect size for my niece's drawing. But that is the value that God places on my life and yours. For Him, the sacrifice, while painful, was the entire point-as if da Vinci painted the masterpiece solely so that four hundred years later the frame would be available!
What do I do with my 'status? I whine and complain that I am not 'further along' in my walk, I ignore the prompting of God to dream bigger dreams, but what I think is most sad of all........ I forget..... I am one of only....... ONE...... loved by God, treasured, beloved, redeemed child of the most High..... guess what......

SO ARE YOU!!!

As Promised

We lost another hero. Another life spent in service to others. This time in a tragic accident. The tears don't know the difference, the loss no less painful. We think of his family and mates who are left behind. To you all, we say "Thank You"

In whose strength?

I had a realization this week. I have been preparing to make my journey overseas to work in an environment that is very challenging physically as well as spiritually. I had been approaching my preparations with the thought that I would have to have a self-perpetuating faith, a faith that doesn’t require the input and teaching of a community to keep the boiling point high. God has built us to need community, yet calls us to individual faith.

In my life, this requires a new level of pressing in, and seeking God’s face. I have realized just how much I am reliant on and crave the teaching I get at church to keep me going. As I have stepped back from a number of different commitments where I have been able to exercise faith and talk openly and see lives change, I have noticed that I had not fared quite as well as I thought I would. I began to rest on my own strength, to steel myself for the ‘fight’ of life, and I got whipped around by the waves. I noticed that after a couple of weeks of this, I was frustrated, angry and very very lonely.
As I pressed into God during worship on Sunday, I heard from the Lord on this point. I heard His gentle rebuke. I realized that not only was I trying to do this in my own strength, but that I had forgotten that God is going to be where I am going. He has not stopped at the border and stood aside and expected me to go ahead of Him. He is there, waiting, He has prepared hearts to hear the gospel, He has set up divine appointments already where I will be able to see God’s hand at work.
Even more interesting than that, is the fact that not only had my spiritual attitude changed slightly, but my outlook on a number of different issues that God had walked me into victory.
I realize just how weak my flesh is, how much I am desperate for the presence of God, and how even the things that we think ‘we’ have overcome, are not in our own strength, but in His.

Law of Diminishing Returns

There is a law that states that the more often something shocking happens, the less shocking it becomes. The same holds true with the highs from addictions, or the thrill from an adrenaline inducing experience.





Sadly, the same law seems to apply in the media. It used to be that a soldier killed in combat was headline news, it was the lead story. But 84 deaths later, and I have noticed that the stories are buried deeper and deeper. Now, it is hard to hear about at all. This is not acceptable. EVERY life is precious, election results from another country (even the states) should NOT override the tribute that our soldiers deserve. I am making a commitment to mark EVERY soldier's story on this blog. Nothing is more important than thanking those who are willing to stand in the gap.





Today, sadly there is one more picture to post. One more family devastated, one more hero lost to us.

When we forget to value the sacrifices, we lose a part of ourselves. We cannot turn a blind eye.

Good Friends by the Carload!

I love the community of believers that comes with belonging to a great church. I have had the amazing privilege of hosting a group of amazing people who visit friends of mine. They have often stayed in my home and it has been so amazing to get to know a group of young adults who are so passionate about the things of God, and who are giving thier lives to those around them. These are the next generation of amazing leaders!

I am inspired by their faith, their strength and their leadership. With these people in leadership, there is nothing that the next generation cannot achieve!

Liquid Nitrogen....

I hear conflicting reports about dealing with sin. There are those who say that sin must be dealt with ruthlessly, That effort and time must be put in to eradicate it from our lives. Then there are others who would say that God is a gentleman and never would impose His will on our lives. That His approach is an invitation to bigger things. Although these seem to be completely different world views of God and sin, I now see that they are inter-connected and both right.

Recently, I went to the doctor with a number of very minor concerns. I am preparing to go away for 6 months, and this has created an urgency in me to ask all those questions that one puts off for another day. One of the very minor questions I asked was about a spot on my finger. Initially I thought it was a sliver that had sort of grown over and created a callous but 1.5 years (yes, YEARS) later it has not changed or grown or healed and so I asked the question.... what is this? The doctor told me it was a wart and he could take care of it in the office immediately. All it would take was some Liquid Nitrogen.

So, how is a wart like sin? As I sit here, there are 42 different paths that I could take to answer this question, but I will follow on the original tack.

Let me tell you about my doctor, he is an older gentleman, soft spoken, caring, and kind, yet he knows what he is doing and is very good at it. He is quick to set you at ease, and takes the time to help you understand what the situation is. He came back into the office with the liquid nitrogen and prepared to take care of my wart. Suddenly I realized that extreme cold, and my water-filled skin cells weren't going to get along very well! I asked if it was going to hurt, he assured me that it would hurt, but not too much. With strength that I couldn't have imagined he held my finger in one hand and applied the liquid nitrogen right on the spot where the wart is, then he held it there.. for a long time. As he did this, he explained that the cold kills the cells of the wart and that they die and fall off. He mentioned that he was going to do a second application to ensure that we got to the root of it. It is now a few days later, and the spot still hurts, but I know that soon I will see the benefit as this wart falls off my finger.

It seems to me that this is a great metaphor for sin. God IS a gentleman, He does invite us to be in relationship with Him. If we follow His advice and counsel, we are in good hands. Just like my doctor would not have come and found me at home, held me down and applied the same treatment, God doesn't force Himself on us. I do know from personal experience though, when we invite God into our lives, and ask His assistance with sin, once we submit, the procedure of dealing with sin MUST be ruthless, can be painful, and it sometimes needs to be repeated. God's strength is sufficient to not only deal with the surface, but to get right down into the root.

Grace is sufficient and abundant for those moments when we see the sin, yet are not ready to deal with it-just yet. We all have people around us who we see their warts (and they see ours) and our temptation is to deal with THEM ruthlessly. That is not our job, God doesn't invade your life, and He won't invade others' lives. But He does call to us in the night, He does make us uncomfortable, He does give us opportunities to draw close.... then, just when we are ready.... HE takes us in His arms, assures us that although it's likely going to hurt, HE has the answer and the cure. Then He goes to work.... ruthlessly..... lovingly.

Is there a 'wart' in your life that you need treatment for?

Heart breaking......

The next step... another level of the horrific nature of what we are fighting against in Afghanistan. This breaks my heart.

We need to pray.

This puts our soldiers in an even more precarious position. Suddenly, even children become a threat, how can we fight against this foe?

What would you do?

As I recently posted, I am going overseas for 6 months on a job opportunity that is over the top amazing! I am so excited about it. There is one area that requires more preparation and thought than the others. I am confident that I have the physical equipment that I need, the little comforts of home and all of that, but I am not sure I have the spiritual equpiment that I need.

I suppose it could be argued that all one needs on a long trip away from home is one's Bible, and that should sustain. I suppose that if I was the great Christian that I wanted to be, that would be enough. I know though, that I need a wider variety of spiritual inputs in order to keep my boiling point high.

Th environment that I will be working in, is one that not only has very little input spiritually, but it also will be very draining. I think it would be challenging even if I was here at home, even more so being away from the community I rely on so much.

Even as I write this, I know that God will sustain me because He has called me to this. I have been praying for a long time to have a self-perpetuating faith that doesn't rely on others for its strength. Now that I not to say that we don't need one another, rather that sometimes I think we rely too much on one another and not enough on our relationship with God.

So, here is my question.......

If you were going to be away from all of your spiritual supports for 6 months... what would you pack to take with you?

Contentment

Contentment is a big struggle for a lot of people. God encourages us in the Bible to dream big dreams, and to do great things for Him. But then, paradoxically, there are entreaties to contentment, to bloom where you are planted, and to make the most of every situation. As a single person, my biggest desire was that the unmet desire for a husband would magically disappear. I always felt like as long as it was still a want in my life, I never really would be surrendered to God. This became, as I think it does for many, a topic at issue with the Lord. It was easy to say BUT GOD, YOU PUT THIS HERE, fill it, or take it away. I think I just mis-understood contentment.

Do you sometimes fight with the tension of appreciating the now, but eager for the hope of tomorrow's promise?

I talk to mothers who are struggling with the stage of life their kids are in and want to get to the next stage, but know that this is a one-shot deal "there are no re-runs". What about the people who are working in the job that God has given them for today, but nursing massive dreams?

We are encouraged in scripture to dream God-sized dreams. Nehemiah dreamt of the walls being rebuilt, Moses dreamt of a promised land, David dreamt about bringing the Ark of the covenant back into the temple.

How do live in the now and the not yet??

I was listening to a Joyce Meyer podcast and (as always) something little that she said, carried a life-changing truth. She said "contentment does not equal apathy".

It's possible that we think of contentment as a place to arrive at and be totally OK with. I often think of contentment as the perfect place that I just want to camp out in and tuck my head into the chest of God and live there, that nothing else will ever pique my interest or catch my eye.

And that is the struggle..... but contentment is not a place, or a destination. It is not apathy!

I have always heard it, but now I think I better understand it when we say "contentment is an attitude". I am starting to see that contenment creeps up into your life not in a momentary epiphany, but rather in a slow realization that your heart and mind are different. That things just are different!

What do you think about contentment?

Counting Down

I am heading overseas for an extended employment opportunity! I can't wait, this has been in the works for few months, and in my heart for over a year! My departure date is less than 60 days away! It seems simultaneously too much and not enough time!

The Word of God says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick". I believe that God built into us a need and a desire to have something to look forward to, and yet as soon as there is a firm date... time seems to drag!

I have been counting down in one way or another for over a year- I have been counting down the pounds left to lose to hit my goal, I have been counting down the number of weeks left in my income, the number of dollars in my bank account! I suppose we all have to take stock of where we stand in our lives as it helps us mark our progress or assures us of our success.

What are you counting down to?

The Lord's Prayer

Do you ever feel like your voice is lost in the millions of voices?

In the province of Ontario there is a push to remove the Lord's Prayer from being read at the opening of sessions. This has long been a contentious issue all over the country. At the risk of sounding like an alarmist Christian, I think that one of the reasons that Ontario is struggling financially is because we have a leader who is working very hard to abolish all things of God. He is seeking to win a greater base of voters by pushing a heavy multi-cultural agenda. Unfortunately in our Canadian culture, multi-cultural ism has created a situation where, often, it seems like the minorities' cultures are valued above traditional Canadian cultures.

We no longer say "Merry Christmas", the Lord's Prayer has been removed from schools, and teachers are required to give all religions equal time - even when they are not adequately qualified to represent those faiths with accuracy!

So you can have a say...

If you want a simple way to be part of the legislative process.

Please go to www.ontla.on.ca which is our Legislature Assembly website. Scroll down the page to click Consultation on prayer in the Legislature Assembly. You only need to fill in the 3 yellow shaded areas marked with *.

Comments

Things have changed a little at lauracoxworth.com.....

The comments will now be moderated-for a variety of reasons. I have a new role in my life that requires some additional discretion, and so, to avoid any unintentional problems with people's comments I will be moderating them!

ALL comments are soo appreciated, however, not all comments can be published under the new constraints!

To the Nations

Canada, as many of you know is a nation whose spiritual destiny is to the other nations of the world. Everytime a prophetic word comes to us in Canada, there is always a reaching out aspect. I love it. I think that it fits nicely with the ethos of our country. We have always been a nation that will look beyond it's own boarders to ensure the peace and tranquility of other nations. We did it in our Peacekeeping around the world, we do it with our immigration policies, our citizens do it through humanitarian activites. This is not to presume to say that Canada is the ONLY country doing it, merely that we have always been a nation of 'goers'.

I believe that we haven't even begun to see how the world can be changed when Canadians find their true strength in the power of God, and begin to sow seeds of healing around the world. The Bible talks about the leaves for healing, and so it is no coincidence that our national flag includes a leaf.

I recently attended a conference on the war in Afghanistan. I learned MANY great and interesting things. One of the seminars was about the morale and wellness programs that a civilian arm of the Canadian Forces provides to Canadian soldiers in combat theatres around the world, most especially in Kandahar. I heard about the Tim Horton's coffee (for those who are not Canadians, Tim Horton's is a coffee and donut place that is as much a part of our collective culture as.... football to the Americans) , the retail stores, the fitness programs. All of these programs are provided to the Soldiers by CANADIAN CIVILIANS who take time out of their lives 6 months at a stretch to go and serve the troops.

I also learned that we are the only nation in Kandahar that sends our own civilians. There are 16 nations that are part of the war in Afghanistan and on the base there, and we are the only ones who have 'familliar' faces providing these services to the troops. Our people know their language, they know the places the soldiers are from, and often times, they know the soldiers themselves. How comforting would that be as a soldier?

The even cooler part of this whole situation is that the retail locations serve ALL NATIONS! It doesn't take new soldiers of any nation very long to find out that Tim's has the best service and the best coffee. I heard all sorts of stories from around the world of troops from as far away as Denmark whose tour in Afghanistan was made more tolerable by the work that our people are doing. It is and it is not about the coffee, though. I heard over and over that the impact was made by the people themselves, working behind the counters of the retail locations. Canadians are out there touching the lives of people around the world.

This is ALL done by a government agency who doesn't even begin to touch on the spiritual needs!! If simply being Canadian qualifies us, then how much more does being a Christian Canadian mean that if we just 'get' how much God is desperate to see the nations of the world touched for the Gospel!! We have it in us.... go, make disciples, touch the nations.

What does this mean???

Has anyone else noticed that supermarket ice cream doesn't actually melt???

When I was a kid, we used to wait for our ice cream to melt a bit and then we would stir it around and around to make a soft serve type dessert. If you left a carton out for long enough though, it would turn to liquid pretty quickly! This has all changed. A few years ago, I plopped (by accident) ice cream on my counter, it was a premuim brand, and it happened to stay there for about a week..... (Ddon't judge me, for I am new creation!) It was incredible. There was no change in the consistency or colour or anything! It just stayed there for a week, until I had to scrape it off with a kinfe!

This weekend, I had copious amounts of girl time, ergo, copious amounts of icecream (it's what we do, right ladies?) On 2 different occasions with 2 different brands and 2 different flavours, I noticed the same thing. Ice cream no longer melts to a liquid form, it merely morphs into some strange plastic looking goop that just 'is'. It makes me wonder what could they possibly be putting in those cartons, that we, in turn, are ingesting.

It makes you wonder!

Living on Faith

Often throughout my adult life I have heard amazing stories of men and women of God who followed the leading of the Lord and that created a situation where their income was far below what was necessary to pay the bills. There are always amazing stories of sitting down to dinner with the family when there was no food on the table or in the house, and just believing God for provision.

I grew up in an upper middle class family where the lack of at least 2 high end cuts of steak was tantamount to impending doom. It wasn't always like that.. or so my parents tell me. I know that there were some lean years, but I was too young to have any sort of memory of that time. So for as long as I can recall, there has never been cause for alarm. We always felt secure at home, that we would be provided for. Even into my young adult years I would often "grocery shop" from my mother's fridge if the need required it.

So when I hear stories of living on faith with a family along, I am torn. I am torn between the prayers of "God I don't think that I could handle that" and "God, it would be so cool to know your faithfulness to that level..... please don't ever ask me to do that... but it would be cool!" I have friends who are missionaries and every penny that comes into their home and ministry is from donations. I have seen God's faithfulness to them all through that time.

This last year has been quite an adventure. It has been a journey of evolving faith and trust in God's ability and willingness to take care of me. Although I haven't quite gotten to the point of setting a table with no food in the house, I have come pretty close to it. God has allowed the systems of the world, and divine timing to work together to provide for me. There are so many things that I have learned, but that is for later.

I recently was offered a contract overseas. It begins in July and lasts for 6 months. Awesome... I am pumped.... except that all outside sources of income stopped at the end of April, and one of my tenants moved out (they were paying the mortgage!). In order to go overseas, there are quite naturally some things that need to be purchased... so I was thinking that there wasn't going to be enough to make it through the 2 months income-free.

BUT GOD..... has other plans...

I got a call about a part-time job... some residual income from a contract that I had... and when I add everything together.... take out 2 month's expenses-including record gas prices!- THERE IS $40.00 LEFT OVER!!!! How is it possible???? God.

I have a sneaking suspicion that God is raising my faith level for some purpose down the road... and like the kind Father that He is, He is easing me in slowly. If I had been asked this time last year to be in this situation, I would have FREAKED out!!! Today though, I am backed far enough against a wall that I have no choice but to trust God!

Call to Prayer

Every once in a while God chooses to tie up loose ends. About this time last year, I began to experience something very strange. I started waking up almost every night at 3:30 am. For no reason that was clear. I wasn't thirsty, in need of the restroom, or too hot or too cold- I just would wake up, be awake for about 5 minutes, and then back to sleep. After about 3 weeks of this, I mentioned it to a friend who asked "what are you supposed to be praying for?" as if it was the most obvious thing in world. I am ashamed to say that I had not even thought of that!!

I began to follow this advice. During these special times, I developed a deeper heart for the Muslim community. I pray regularly for those in authority, for the warriors on both sides, and especially for the people of Afghanistan who are caught in the middle of a very difficult situation.

Recently, I was in a seminar about Islam. What an interesting eye-opening seminar. The most interesting thing that I learned though, was that the Muslim's day begins with prayer...... at 3:30am!!!

Suddenly I knew, I understood why God had started to wake me up at that time, and why this time of prayer evolved into prayer for Muslims! How great is our God!!

Taking a Break!

I am off for 2 weeks of training for a new job I hope to get. There will be limited time/Internet Access, so I might not be able to post. The nature of the training would seem to me to be rife with blogging opportuniies... so stay tuned!

Every time.... I will hold your hand

There are things in our lives as Christians that take on the dubious status of "thorn in the flesh". If you recall Paul suffered with an affliction that he knew was from the Lord so that he would be limited just enough that he had no choice but to rely on God.

I have a situation that is self-inflicted, but afflicting none the less. It is an ongoing issue, I know that you have something like that too! How do I know?? Because you are a red-blooded human with a pulse! It is that one thing that I feel like should be dealt with. I want equally to eradicate it from my life and hold onto it for the small payoff that it brings. More than that, I want to WANT to have it gone, but can't seem to be able to.

It is important to say that, at it's core, is not an issue of sin. It could more accurately be said that it is an issue of trust in God. In my mind it occupies too much time and energy and I feel like I talk about it too much as well. Everytime it comes up in conversation, I feel like the people sitting with me chatting MUST be rolling their eyes inside and thinking "aren't we done with this YET?" During a dinner with a friend who could be considered one of the best friends anyone on earth has or ever has had (no exaggeration!) we hashed out some stuff surrounding this issue and I was trying to close the subject because I was ashamed to still be dealing with it after all this time.

Last Thanksgiving, this friend said that she hoped (for the sake of my stress level) not to have to be talking about it at Christmas. But that if we were, there was a comfy chair and a hot beverage with my name on it. So that was Christmas, we are now PAST Easter, and it is still occupying my life!

In her wisdom and grace this week, she reminded me that God knows the solution to this and that perhaps I wasn't communicating with God-the one who knows the answers. Then she said something that penetrated to my deepest heart. It was one of those "kindest things ever" statements. She said something to the effect of: I want this to be resolved in your life to avoid the stress and heartache, but if you need to talk about it everyday I will hold your hand through it.... EVERYTIME.

It was one of those moments that I knew that I knew, I have a friend who truly sticks closer than a brother. In this world of instant answers and 12-step programs, my friend met a need in my life to just BE THERE despite giving me advice that potentially could resolve this forever. She is willing to patiently stand by holding my hand through the hurt until such time as God ordains that surgery is needed to take this thorn out of my side. Then, I know she will pick me up, brush me off and celebrate the victory without so much as a single "I told you so!"

What a friend!!

One More Opportunity

This week is the end of the waiting! I have been waiting for a new opportunity for about a year. There is a chance to do something life-changing and it is imminent. I have been invited to the 2 week training to prepare for it, and then after that I will know for sure if I got the job. I am excited BEYOND all reason. This has been all that is on my radar for about a year.

The type of opportunity this is carries with it some danger, and it is the type of thing that one doesn't go into lightly, I am fully surrendered to the thought that if it is not of God- I DON'T want to go. But everything within knows that if God is there with me, all will be OK.

As the time is drawing closer and my excitement level increases, as does a nagging feeling in the back of my head. I keep recalling all the amazing jobs that I wanted, but didn't get, all the heartache of men who didn't return my affection. While it is easy in the saner moments to KNOW that God had His hand in each of those situations, my human heart is nervous that God will deny me this chance as well.

Its that old lie of "if you want it too much, God will take it away".

I am having to fight the lies of the enemy that would say, God will never come through for you, or that would tell me that I cannot accomplish or do what is needed in this time.

There seems to be a level of holiness attached to circumstances that you are dragged into; Moses protested because of His stutter, Saul had to be physically stopped on the roadside. The idea of doing something for God that you don't want to do carries a legitimacy which ambition seems to negate. I recall though, in Nehemiah, God blessed him with a burden to rebuild the walls, and he went to his employer and asked for a leave of absence and it was granted.

We hear story after story of people dragged kicking and screaming into the service of God in an area that they never wanted to go, but what about the happy helpers? What about those who have battled internally? Who have fought their insecurities and what others expect of them in order to take a step of faith far beyond their comfort zone and come to a place of passionate willingness?

God knows the end from the beginning. HE will be my sustainer, I am a willing participant in the plans of God for my life. Now to deal with this pride.......

Day by Day Part Blue!

You saw the pink cards I made for my little sister...I wanted her to know how much I love her everyday. On another occasion, I had the opportunity to do something similar for a male friend who was going to be away. I put together a similar package of cards, but these ones were scriptures and quotes from great men in History. Winston Churchill, Plato, Jesus (their greatness is not in that order... obviously).

It was my desire that as he was away from home, that he would be reminded of the impact he was having on the lives of those around him. He travels quite a bit for work, and so we don't often get to spend a lot of time with him, It was my hope that the cards he read daily would have a layering effect on his life, that I would, in effect, build a 'case' for the importance of his presence to us. That day by day, tidbit by tidbit he would see a fuller picture of how well regarded he is.

We need to spend time daily finding the words and thoughts that God has toward us. Just like my sister, we need to be reminded of what God's word says, and we need something daily. It is in the daily communication that the messages are layered one on the other until, we have a fuller picture of God's purpose for us. These daily interactions are designed to have a cumulative effect. That as we absorb a little at a time, more will truly be retained.

It is not the sprint of a crash diet, but slow steady marathon of a lifestyle change.

Do you feel the cumulative effect of your time daily with God?

Day by Day Part 2

New to Me!

I found a new fav artist. His name is Aaron Shust. I came across him totally by accident, I was watching a video on You Tube, and they used his music as the backdrop.

Very deep words, nice sound, very "sing-alongable"!

Day by Day

Every day there should be a new word. Everyone should have a new moment in God. I have on a couple of occasions recently made birthday gifts of cards that are to be opened one a day. It is not my original idea, I do it because I loved recieving a package like that for my birthday one year. This has been my gift of choice because in the case of my little sister, I wanted her to know that I think of her everyday and all the amazing things that are part of who she is. We don't talk everyday, and I sometimes wonder if she knows how much she is in my thoughts. So, for her 26th birthday, I printed 26 cards, each with one dictionary definition of words that describe her. They each got an envelope, and it was all tied with a beautiful ribbon.

There are times when I wonder how much God thinks of me throughout the day. His word says that his thoughts toward us exceed the grains of sand (Psalm 139:17-18), but do we take the time to hear from him everyday.

In the busyness of my life, I stopped and realized that it has been a while since I undid the ribbon and opened another envelope of His word, and because we haven't really spoken at length, it is easy for me to wonder how much He really thinks of me at all. The truth is, He has prepared enough words for every moment of everyday of our lives.

If my sister had not chosen to open the envelopes, she might have wondered about how often I think of her, or, if our schedules had prevented a phone call, she might have even wondered if I loved her still. Yet all that time sitting right in front of her was the proof of my love and thoughts toward her.

Do you ever forget to open the word of God, and then wonder if He still loves you?

Stay tuned for part 2

All about the shoes!

If you are surprised that I can do a whole post on a pair of shoes, either this is your first visit to LauraCoxworth.com, or we have never met. I have a rule in my life.

"I always want to be barefoot, but if that is not possible, my feet need to be in a pair of FIERCE shoes, or amazing cotton gym socks"

If you think that I am kidding, I am not.

Knowing my love of all things shoes, my amazing roommate purchased for me a pair of really beautiful HIGH stilettos for Christmas. I had not worn them though, because they are just a bit too big, and the heels are so high, that you don't want to risk falling off!

I pulled the shoes out for the Nails because frankly they are soooo nice. The only problem is that this year, the stage had about 40 steps of various heights and placements that I had to navigate around to do my part. Normally I choose shoes that are completely safe, snug fitting and preferably with some sort of strap for insurance, so I am not really sure what I was thinking with this year's choice.

As I think about it though, it is possible that these shoes were the PERFECT shoes for what God wanted me to see and understand. The combination of size, height, and stairs meant that EVERY step had to be thought through, every movement carefully considered,

In carefully considering every step, I realized that it didn't make sense to take extra steps just because I felt I HAD to. It forced me to be more efficient in my movements. As well, when amateur actors (and I am definitely in that category) get on stage, there can be a tendency towards frenetic movement that can look panicked from the audience. I am sure that I looked much more settled than I felt simply because I didn't want to risk the extra steps.

Is is possible that God can speak to me through my shoes? I love God, He loves me, and I LOVE SHOES, so it seems a logical extension.

Here is what I discovered: Anything that keeps me a little off balance has the amazing by-product of sending me right into the hands of God. I have discovered over my journey a reliance on Him that I hadn't before. As well, I have discovered that sometimes movement for the sake of having something to do steals something from the experience you are trying to have. I have learned the benefits of waiting one more moment before taking what I feel is the next step.

Onstage when the lights dimmed but I needed to walk down some steep stairs, it took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the light, but if I waited that extra moment, I was much more confident that I wouldn't fall down the stairs. I have learned it is the same with God. Occasionally, He calls us to something with a short timeline, and delay in that case IS disobedience, however, more often then not, another moment to consider is actually better.

Has there been a situation where you took extra time to ponder and had a lot more safety doing what God had called you to?

What about the Nails?

Every year at TLC we do an Easter Production called "The Nails". If you have ever heard the Easter story you know the general plot. TLC takes a little twist on the story to tell it from the perspective of the blacksmith who made the nails that Jesus was crucified with. It is dramatic and life-changing. I have played the same part for 3 years and every year, it has been a profound and amazing experience.

When you are in your 3rd year of playing the same role, the focus of energy moves away from remembering the lines, to finding depths beyond the words-finding a new way to communicate them. We perform it 3 times, and every time there is a different experience. God comes in and takes over and I feel the differences in the words and meanings. It is like God tailor makes each experience for each audience. We as the cast are just along for the ride.

The reason we do it, is ALWAYS about the lives that it will impact. ALWAYS. Occasionally, however, God somehow steps in and changes me in the process. I was, for some unknown reason, more nervous this year.... actually afraid is more accurate. I was afraid of saying the wrong lines, getting the scene mixed up... and a big source of my anxiety were my SHOES!!

I couldn't find any nice shoes that would compliment my outfit, and so I decided on a pair that were a gift, yet a bit too big. Being as high as they were and a bit too big, I was nervous about falling or stepping out of them onstage. Nothing happened, and my dignity is intact, but as I ponder about the shoes I realized that there is an underlying lesson to be had.

I found, more than other years, that I TRULY had to turn it all over to God. A few months ago, I had an incredible realization about the equipping of God. In a Joyce Meyer podcast, I was reminded so clearly that "what God calls you to, He also equips you for". Backstage, waiting for my cues, I would breath deeply and remind myself that everything was in God's hands. I was not responsible for the people's salvation, I was simply called to do my part.

The more focused I became on that reality the stronger I felt, and the more at peace I became. There are a few things that God is calling me to in the next season of my life where this truth needs to be drilled right down into the depths of my until it rests in the marrow of my bones. I will have no other option than to rely solely on the equipping of God.

This was a truth that needed to be embraced quickly because of the immediate and very public nature of what I was called to do, but it served as a wonderful reminder for everyday.

Stay tuned for more about the shoes!!

2 faces of me.

I had a goal. 13 months, 17 days ago, I had began a program that I was praying was going to change my life. For many years, I was unhappy with my weight, and I never felt like I could successfully do anything about it. I tried to follow diets and programs but none ever lasted more that about 4 hours. For those who have ever had something in your life you just couldn't conquer, you know what it is like to have a dream in your heart but no capacity to hope for a change. That is where I was.

One day, I decided that I needed to stop eating the way I was eating or I had to just suck up the reality that my poor choices were resulting in a body that I didn't want. It came to the point where I just had to forget about hoping or justifying or planning, I simply gave up on diets and fads. I realized that I had to 'own' what I was doing to myself. Either way, I had to stop beating myself up over and over and over again for the same issues. Mostly I had to just admit that no matter how 'good' it was to go to the gym, it didn't make me feel good, and everytime I DIDN'T go I felt worse about myself.

For a year, I stopped paying attention to what I was doing, and more than that I stopped beating myself up about it. There was no majic pill, no change in circumstances, and no moment waiting just around the corner that would transform me miraculously into the size 6 supermodel I thought I wanted to be. Instead of beating myself up about it, all I did was become a student of myself-my feelings, my reactions, my interactions with the world around me. I tried very hard not to sugar coat what I was thinking and feeling.

Toward the end of that 'observation period' I realized that I was actually pretty proud of the PERSON I had become, I watched as I became thoughful, loyal friend, and a chaser of God. I found that the shape my body was in was changing my personality, and I didn't like that, but I was able to differentiate what I looked like from who I was.

In January of '07, I was watching TV and saw an ad for a weightloss program that a friend had found great success with. It just seemed RIGHT. There was an inevitability about the situation that directed me.

13 months and 17 days later I have achieved my original goal of 50 pounds lost.

As you can imagine, this has changed my life. Surprisingly though, it hasn't had the profound internal impact that I always though weight loss would. I KNOW that if I hadn't dealt with the mechanic of eating separatly from how I felt about myself, I never would have succeeded. Although there are a lot of changes in my life that have been the result of the weightloss, it hasn't actually changed much of WHO I am. I am still that same person I was before-who I was proud to be before, just now the outside is less burdensome to carry around.

So often when we are attempting to make drastic changes in our lives, we confuse the activity we are trying to change with the person that we are.

Here is a quick side-by-side to give you an idea.....

Preparation Time Part 4

...Continued from Part 3

God had a plan to get me ready and in position to step into the destiny that he has called me to. God knew what it would take to bring me to a place of total surrender…. Through this process I have discovered: 1) Only I am qualified to define my strengths 2) God has placed in me a really good sense of what is right for me 3) I need ‘hands on’ direct access to the things of God. 4) No matter what God is calling you to… no matter how long it takes to get you there, He is daily invested in propelling you toward your destinyWhen God is in control, it is always His way and timeline…..

Imagine Esther, one day she is an orphan living with her uncle, one year later, she is the queen of a great nation. There are so many times that God calls us to something bigger our lives, yet our thinking and our identity holds us back. We think like an orphan when God is calling us to be a queen. We need to change the way we think about ourselves in order to fulfill what God is calling us to.

This is not an easy feat, however I have found that steeping myself in the things of God, has the natural result of changing your heart and mind without even trying. Is this is what God referrs to when He says "seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you."?
Occasionally, I find surprise myself by doing something, or thinking in a different way than I
used to.

Go, be the Esther God is calling you to be!

Preparation Time Part 3

.... continued from Part 2

I sat. I waited and just ‘was’. There were questions, from those around me-from concerned parents who worried as time went on. I didn’t know what God was up to, but I knew that He was in control. Occasionally God would take the time to remind me that I was in a 52 week process.

In December, one night, I couldn’t sleep, I was just lying awake ‘processing’. This is the term that I use when I am going over and over all the loose ends in my head, attempting to look at them from different angles to see where they might fit together, or where God might be leading.

I began to realize that what I really wanted to do was to go back to school. I didn’t know how that was going to happen, or when, but it became my focus to find a way. A number of options were weighed and discarded. Finally, the I had an idea. It fit with all the objectives I had set out, it made sense, it was multi-purposed, and it was JUST enough beyond my ability that I would have to rely completely on God! As time went on, I began to do the background research to find out what was going to be possible and what was not.

January came along, and we began the series in our lifegroup "Now discover your strengths". Everything that I had been working through I KNOW that I KNOW was needed to set the stage for “trombone player wanted”. The breakthrough moment of this series was when Marcus said that ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR STRENGTHS ARE.

All my life, I have allowed people to speak into my life and have defined my actions with what they said. I have on a couple of different occasions, wanted to change my career, hand I did what all the self-help books said to do…. I asked people who are successful what they saw when they looked at me. Then I chased after that identity, only to be devastated when it didn’t quite fit.

The week of my birthday (January 20th), I was working to define the plan a little more clearly. Using the concepts that we were learning at lifegroup, I spent a long time thinking and praying about what my strengths are, and gradually, it all came into clear focus. By the time the 52nd week came along, I had changed, I don’t mean that I was beginning a plan of changes,…. I HAVE changed.

I can only imagine that Esther could barely recognize herself when she looked in the mirror, I can see her stepping out in a function of royalty only to think to herself “how is it that I am doing this?” I feel that way occasionally….. I find myself doing things I never thought I would…. And LOVING it.

Preparation Time Part 2

A few months passed and I wasn’t hearing much from God about where I should look for work, or what I was supposed to be doing not only with this time, but with the rest of my life.

I began to see patterns emerging. About every 2 months or so, I would be going along seemingly fine and then crisis would hit. I began to see that each crisis carried with it a major theme.

The first stage was about identity… who am I, I am more than the job title I have, I am a child of Christ, this was to continue to be a recurring theme. The next was about God’s willingness to provide for me. I never doubted His ability, but what about his willingness? After that, I spent a lot of time discovering what Godly femininity is, and some of the barriers in my life toward femininity, next came fitness- my least favourite subject at the time. I intentionally sat and experienced each stage, I chose to be looking for what God was trying to tell me and learn more about His character in the midst of it.

In each stage of this journey, I have had to ruthlessly confront lies that the enemy had sown into my life as the result of a very challenging childhood. For the first time in a long time, I had nothing to distract me. There were just raw, yucky feelings and the pain of confronting hurts that had defined me more than I would ever have thought. It essentially became a 6-month long therapy session…. A little talk-therapy, a lot of tears, a lot of literally just sitting pondering, and I am not gonna lie… a little retail therapy too!!!

In the middle of all this, I needed a career change. I thought, "If I do what I did, I will get what I had, and 5 years from now, I will be in the same situation". This sounds like a great idea, yet, for anyone who has ever tried, it is easier said than done.

In June I made a decision to walk through ANY door that opened-cautiously but wholly. I would step through it. I would explore that until my gut told me otherwise, or until the door closed. It seems like everyone has a suggestion, and I discovered that what people were seeing me doing were the same things that they had always seen me doing. In previous situations I had grasped what people told me they thought I should be doing and put a lot of effort into that career. Except a few months down the road, I hated it or was rotten at. So suddenly I have discovered that what people see in me, I am not good at! It truly caused me to question my identity and worth in moments like that. This time, I realized quickly that none of the suggestions fit with what was in my heart.

So there I was needed money to pay the bills, with no idea where to even begin to look for work, and when I did submit resumes to jobs similar to what I had successfully done in the past, I was turned down. It took a lot to remind myself that I had put this whole process in God’s hands, and I had turned over control to Him.

Stay tuned for Part 3

Preparation Time

Recently, I was privileged to give my testimony at lifegroup. It was so amazing to tell a group what God has been doing in my life. I am posting it over the next little while... here is part 1!

Esther was a beautiful young woman who was chosen to go into the household of the king to be trained and perhaps chosen as his wife. The bible says that she was a woman of incomparable beauty. When she moved into the palace, she underwent 1 year of treatments and training before she could be presented to the king. When she was presented to the king, he found favour with her and she replaced his wife as queen. In the position of queen, she was given the favour she needed to save her whole people group from extinction. You know the story; those are the broad-strokes.

I tell you this story because, in January of 07, I was an overweight, unhappy woman with no joy in my job, and a string of failures with attempting to lose weight. I was single with no prospects, or much hope. Life was pretty bleak in those areas, but I desperately loved the lord and had amazing friends, and I was staying busy with the Lord.

I had just spent more money than I could truly afford to buy into a weigh-loss program that is a year from beginning to end. I was standing in my bathroom doing my hair when a quiet voice broke through and said “52 weeks of preparation” I had just been reading the book of Esther and I knew her story. I knew immediately it was the Lord and said “52 week until WHAT??” My immediate thought of course… went to “A MAN!!!” My heart started beating… I asked…. Until my wedding? Until I meet Him??? and then I got a hold of myself and thought… maybe it is 52 weeks until I am launched into a great new career….

I took a moment to think about all the wondrous possibilities this might relate to and then I gave it to the Lord, and tucked it away. I have learned, that, when dealing with the things of God, he is “above and beyond anything I can ask or imagine”, and I never truly can guess what god has up His sleeve.

On I go about my life…. A job that I hated, but I began to see success with my weight loss.

Fast forward to June, I lost my job. It was one of the inexplicable situations that can only be God taking me out of a situation that was killing my soul one day at a time. Even though I KNEW it was God, it was still crappy!

I decided just after I lost my job, that since this was a circumstance that God had orchestrated, I wanted get as much as I could out of whatever was going to come my way . Passed and I wasn’t hearing much from God about where I should look for work, or what I was supposed to be doing not only with this time, but with the rest of my life.

Do something for the first time-again!

Do you remember what it was like to do something for the first time? Do you remember what pumping that first tank of gas into your first car was like? I remember paying my first hydro bill 2 years ago when I bought my first house. There is a cool thrill that goes through you when you do something for the first time. I had the amazing privilege of reconnecting with an old family friend last week. As we got caught up on our lives she began to talk about wanting to start writing but not knowing how to go about that. I mentioned Blogging. She started to ask me questions about it and I was telling her about the benefits and the joys of blogging. I told her how nervous I was the first time I pressed "publish post". It got me thinking, how over time, those things that used to give us such a thrill become commonplace and even sometimes drudgery because we do them so much.

When we tap into that feeling again our whole view changes. I am about 80% sure that I will be overseas for 6 months beginning in May or June, and suddenly I am seeing things in my life in a whole different way. I will be living in a self-sustaining environment in the middle east. For security reasons I will not be travelling outside a small area and so I will not likely drive very much. I will be fed in a cafeteria-style location, so I won't be cooking...Things that we take so much for granted I am beginning to see in a whole new light!

More than that though, I have had the most amazing opportunity to disciple a few new Christians. It is so much fun to remember what it was like to be a new Christian. Questions come up like "why is it important that Jesus resurrected?" or "what happens to the babies in Africa who die without hearing the gospel?" These are questions that make you stop and think for a moment. These things that we absorb into our consciousness and sort of forget about. I love hearing them, because it requires me to tap into that foundational information of my faith and it reminds me of the joy of my first love.

Take a moment today and see something you think of mundane, through the eyes of someone who is seeing it for the first time. Remember how it felt on your first day!

Sorrow

Something is in the air. I have experienced it deeply this year, and thought I was alone, but as I speak to others and check in with the friends who have dropped off the radar, I am seeing a trend. It is a trend toward a depressed experience. Some even are starting meds for clinical depression. I am not sure what is happening, there must be something is the 'air'.


Coming into this year, there was a lot of talk about more... more in God, more success, more love within relationships, yet person after person I speak to has been totally and completely sidelined by physical illness or emotional crisis.


When I take a step back and take a poll, I would say that 90% of my closest friends have been 'out of commission' in some form or another at some point in the last 2 months.


This is a year of breakthrough.... we cannot look at our circumstances with natural eyes, we must ask God to show us the super-natural view of things.


In the moments of sorrow and despair, everything within us wants to be alone, we don't want to reach out. But that is exactly what we must do. Recently, I was overcome with a melancholy that couldn't be explained. After a few days went by and things didn't improve, I realized that I needed to reach out. I needed prayer.


I drafted an email to the leaders that I am in close relationship with. Quickly outlining my challenges and asking for prayer. I wept as I drafted the email, it hurt to see my pain on the black and white page. Not only that, it wasn't easy to admit what I was experiencing, I had to fight the lies of the enemy that would say that these woman don't care... or that they had so many 'better'/more important things to worry about. An interesting thing happened... as soon as I pressed "send" the dark cloud I was feeling immediately lifted. When I say IMMEDIATELY... I mean immdiately.. to the point that I almost recalled the email!


In response to this email, I got so many amazingly encouraging words!!!!! How nice to know that people, in the middle of their busy lives, still have the capacity to reach out to a sister in need.


In this time of year, there are lots of people who are feeling alone, hurting and isolated. If that is you, reach out.... keep your eyes open as well for others who might be feeling lonely

Shocking!!

I was shocked this week as I was looking at some of previews for some of the shows that are scheduled for release in the next few months. I was shocked at 2 specific shows that fly in the face of everything that is good in this world!

The first is a show called Dexter.. as far as I can tell... he is a serial killer who hunts serial killers that the police can't catch. The worst part??? I ACTUALLY for a moment, looked at that and though "that looks soo good!" I would be willing to wager that, through great writing and a handsome actor playing the part, over the course of the season viewers begin to look at Dexter as the 'good guy' and revel in his success at stopping another serial killer.

The second is a show is about a bigamist with 3 wives and multiple kids. Think for a moment how funny that might be.... if I wasn't sooo sad. We have come a long way in 2 generations with what we will allow to be shown in primetime.

I am reminded of the big deal that Will & Grace was when it first came out, there was an outrage that gay humour would be so prevalent. We were told that it would have no effect... it was afterall, just a TV show. But look now, not to many years later what is being aired with NO controversy!!!

The advocates of same-sex marriage would have us believe that there is nothing wrong if a few people want to have their alternate lifestyle commemorated. They also laughed at the idea that it would open the door to all types of realtionships that we don't want in society, including bigamy.

Is this another case of life imitating art? That as a society we become numbed to the issues if they are spoon-fed to us as humour on TV???

An idea with a heartbeat ceases to be black and white!

There are many things that as Christians we talk about in very strong terms. Mostly they are issues of sin, and should have a strong stand taken against. Life though is not quite as cut and dry as that. We talk about smoking and addiction as being so horrific, and disgusting, but then someone we know and love begins to struggle with this. Suddenly, there is a hearbeat attached to this idea, suddenly it is not so black and white.

Homosexuality is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord..... except a distant relative comes out of the closet....it has a heartbeat... suddenly not so black and white.


It is very difficult as Christians, when we are faced with situations that we feel so strongly about but that impact people we love. It would be much 'safer', much easier if we could move to a moutaintop and not have to face these things. But God hasn't called us to a mountain top... he has called us to the people all around us, our neighbours. We are called to love them with the love of Christ,


Recently, some people who love me very much and who have my very best interest at heart, have come to the conclusion that they have found an incredible guy that I should get to know. they are so convinced of this fact that they are lobbying others in my life to get on side with them. The problem?... he is not a Christian. These are the type of people who, if I brought a non-Christian that they didn't know and introduced him as someone I was spending time with, there would be reproaches and reminders that we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers..... yet.... they know this person.... he has a heartbeat... and so things are grey!


I made a decision a number of years ago, that in order to be who God is calling me to be, and to live my life totally passionately on fire with God, I would not marry anyone who is not a Christian, not only that, they have to be at least a mature in the faith as I am. At the time.... this decision was heralded as the best thing I could possibly do.....


Now, however, when I remind these amazing people of my decision, I get some strange responses... "but he can learn to love Jesus".... or "what if you are the person who will bring him to God"...... these responses were so surprising to me, that I began to question my own stand. Then I got cranky!


I am not waivering in this. If this is truly the guy God has for me.... it is HIS job to call him, draw him and equip him to lead us as a couple.... unless that happens.... there is no grey area!! "But he is soo close to being exactly what you want!!" they say! My response?? Have you ever looked at a globe?? Japan and the US look CLOSE.... they are only about 2 inches away.... but in the reality they are worlds apart! Close isn't good enough!


It is a good reminder though... to have grace for people's stuff.... there is a heartbeat attached! Everyone that we love is dealing with issues that would cause us to question our black and white stands on things...

It is, as well, a good reminder that there are some things that I cannot afford to compromise on....

The Next Step

continued from "It's Decision Time"

I am not so naiive as to believe that I have the WHOLE picture figured out. In times of major upheavel in my life, often God uses bait on a hook to get me to follow in the path He has laid out for me. Kind of like a carrot on a stick.



I am someone who needs the 'back story'. I like to understand the significance of situations because I know that nothing - especially with God- is just one sided. I also know that God almost never reveals the whole story at one time. I think that God has a cool way of bringing me into alignment with His purposes. Here an example of what that has looked like in my life.


God will bring a guy along my path. This guy will be great and will cause me to question things about myself, my beliefs and what I want out of life. My heart is the bait and the guy is the catalyst for change. Through the self-reflection that always occurs when a new guy is on the horizon, I learn something about myslef, and about God. I will come to new conclusions and be better for the experience. The guy will fade off into the distance (and probably marry a good friend) and I am left better than when it all started. I cannot tell you the number of times this has happened in my life. In the midst of the circumstances God 'allows' me to build a story that keeps me invested.


Recently, God has knit my heart to a certain people group. As my passion for that people group grew, I began to look for opportunities to work with that people group. From there, I began to research what qualifications would be needed to impact this people group. I have come to the conclusion that I need to go back to school and get a degree. As I have studied and researched what that would take to go back to school, God has rewritten the story. What I initially thought I would be doing, is not likely what I will end up with, but it has created in me a desire to go back to school, but in order to do that, I will likely end up working with that people group in a different capacity....... whew did that make any sense??


So, I am simply walking out the next step in anticipation of the end result. I am excited about what I believe is coming next and as soon as I have any information I can share..... I know that you will be excited too!

It's Decision Time

I have some decisions to make. They are career related and time sensitive. This has brought me to another level of 'messy living'. It is tough to weigh all the pros and cons of a decision, then put if through the filter of mortgage payments, church commitments and roots, as well as family pulls, and friendships. Then to top it all off... there is that pesky thing called God's will.

Although I put God's will last on the list, it actually takes complete precedence in my decision-making. It doesn't matter what else is going on, if God says "NO" than the answer is NO!
What happens though, when there seems to be no direct instruction???
Last week at lifegroup, we watched a video in the series called "Trombone Player Wanted" and there was a life-changing idea put forth. The idea that I am the person who is best qualified to know my own strengths. WOW.... I have been looking for the input from others to learn what my strengths are. But this moment in time freed me to begin to define what my strengths are. It empowered me to begin to own who I am.
We are kind of afraid in Christianity of the word "empowered". I think especially as women any strong language about power and self smacks of rebellion and a lack of meekness.

I have begun to realize that God has given me the responsibility to be able to confidently stand in a moment and to say 'that is not my strength'. Jesus gently rebuked his mother when she was pressuring him to do something about the lack of wine at the wedding feast- he said it was not his time. There was no apology and no justification. As you know, in that moment though, there was also compassion and he instructed the servants to fill the canteens with water and when they were poured out, they were of the best wine.

So what do you do when there are open doors but no direct instructions?

In the Old Testament God often gave the Israelites specific instructions regarding what they were to do to overcome their enemies. Other times though, he told them to do what was in their hearts to do.

I think that when your heart is in communication with God, and your life is surrendered, there are moments when He allows us to make decisions that seem right to us. I never want to be out of the will of God, yet sometimes it seems like the heavens are silent. I know that God is always speaking, yet there are no specifics. In these moments, I try to make the wisest choice I can, and then begin to step through the open door of my choosing. Always with one ear cocked toward heaven to hear new instructions. There can be a tendancy, in our lives to do nothing unless we hear otherwise. I have been in that season. I know that it was what God was calling me to for that time. I have learned so much about waiting on God, about trusting Him and knowing that He has the path already set up.

It is however, scary to begin to step out into something new. I have been praying a slightly different prayer of late it is "OK Jesus, I know that is you walking on the waves... everything within me yearns to get out of the boat and walk with you, so unless you tell me not to, I am coming."

There is an echo of the enemy who would try and tell me that is rebellious, and that no instruction is a passive instruction..... but guess what! I have to take ownership of my walk. It is fully surrendered, yet I am the steward of what God has called me to do. If I am not moving forward, I am not in obedience.

I have to trust that my heart is open to His leading and guiding and that He knows me well enough to communicate with me any changes in the game plan.

I will take the next step that God is calling me to......

Your Awakening

I got this poem by email and loved it. There are some amazing nuggets of truth in there... and some things to dismiss... but overall this is amazing. More than that... it is the best explanation I have been able to come up with for this stage in my life.

A time comes in your life when you finally get it....

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity youstop dead in your tracks and somewhere the the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum,your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice,you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your AWAKENING.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waitingfor something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (orbeginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of"happily ever after" must begin with YOU and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that is OK...they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they meanor mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.

So you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety &security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself andthe world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should lookand how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage,the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go withyour instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about LOVE. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is withlove...and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy.

And you learn that alone does not mean lonely...And that you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 2 or a perfect10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stackup."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feeling aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectlyOK...and that it is your right to want things and toask for the things you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the one who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple.And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve...and that much of life is truly a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working to make it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a rock of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things.

You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in it's most primal state - the EGO. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in manyof the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

~By Sonny Carroll~

Nothing to say!

I have been, of late, a little frustrated and annoyed at myself for not blogging more. More than that, though I worry that there is so little movement in my life that there is nothing to blog about. But when I take a step back and really look at what is happening, I see that there is SO much going on that this meduim almost doesn't give it justice.

It is a strange situation to be in. I half expect that the next time I look in the mirror, dramatic and remarkable changes will be visible, because that is how I feel on the inside. I am not talking about a nose-job to fix a little bump that is only visible under instense scrutiny... I am talking about extreme makeover-type renovations.

This past few months has been quite the process as God takes me through a process of drilling down on certain lies, foundational truths, ascpects of my identity, and calling. It has been a total Demo and rebuild.

The things that I thought before I no longer think- about myself, about God, about my place in the world. I feel like I am truly becoming more of what God has made me to be. I started out looking for a new job...... one that will fill the days and pay the bills. What I have in my heart now though is a 10-year plan including a pretty dramatic career change, adventure, and a coming-home of sorts into a career that I have been running from.

If you have ever done household renovations, you will know that it is more costly, but actually quite a bit easier to gut out the whole place than to work within the confines of the framework you already have. When you begin with the framework already in place, or structural demands (the staircase cannot move), you are limited in what can truly and fundamentally change, but when you are starting from scratch.... the possibilities are endless.

As things solidify and the path is more clear, I want to share what has been happening... in the meantime though, I have to figure out a way to communicate these changes more effectively so that those around me can respond to them.

How do you communicate the inner changes that you are experiencing?

What's the difference

God needs a tool to use to catch our attention. He needs to be able to put His finger on an area of our lives when He wants to walk us through the process of change and growth. As we know, there is always another side to everything in God. The enemy would seek to confuse us and tell us all our faults so that we merely feel condemned. How do we tell the difference?


We talk a lot about the conviction of God and the condemnation of the enemy. How do I tell the difference?

Here is what the Dictionary says:
convict1. to prove or declare guilty of an offense, esp. after a legal trial: to convict a prisoner of a felony. 2. to impress with a sense of guilt. –noun 3.a person proved or declared guilty of an offense.

con·dem·na·tion 1. The act of condemning. The state of being condemned. 2. Severe reproof; strong censure. 3. A reason or occasion for condemning.

When I look at the word "condemnation' it seems to carry with it an implication of value. When a building, for example, is condemned, it is no longer of value. It is beyond hope of repair and the only path to take is to tear the building down, it is considered a danger. A prisoner on their way to their execution is 'condemned'. This is contrasted with 'conviction' which is merely a statement of guilt or innocence. When a person is convicted, most often the plan for punishment also includes a plan for rehabilitation- there is hope for them still. This is a key to understanding the difference.

Jesus never shys away from identifying a guilty party. Look at the woman at the well, Peter, Judas, and the woman caught in adultery, Jesus doesn't overlook the sin in their lives, but His focus always was the way out. We can feel the weight of our guilt, but if it of God there is no condemnation.

Here's what the Bible says:
Romans 8:1 1There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

John 3:17 ForGod did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

As we process through the things that God puts His finger on, there is always HOPE, there is always mercy, and always forgiveness.

Am I condemned?

We have a lot that God can speak to us in our lives. As Christians there sometimes seems to be such high standards for our daily conduct that sometimes it can be overwhelming to meet them. There are also times when in our lives, a lot needs to change, and there are many aspect that God needs to speak to us about. He puts His finger on something, we try to deal with it and then on to the next thing.

Occasionally though, there are competing voices. In our vulnerability to be open to God's voice, we sometimes can be subjected to the competing voice of the one who would try to destroy us. In the midst of hearing from God about our opportunities for growth there can be a nagging, incidious voice that would mock our pain, lie to us about our future and remind us of the mistakes of the past.

Recently I have made a new friend, I am privileged to call this amazing woman my friend. She is a very new Christian and has a lot of questions. She is thirsty for the truth and wanting to be completely surrendered to God. As we began to speak about the things of God, it became clear that she was SO open to direction and promptings from God and those who are further along in the walk that she was getting tossed to and fro by the 'helpful' words of people around her. She rhymed off a laundry list of things that she needed to 'work on'. I could see on her face and hear in her words that she was feeling the condemnation of too much input from 'loving people'.

There is not a day that goes by that I am not confronted by the LONG detailed list of things that I want to address in my life, but the only way to get through the day and to be successful in what gets dealt with is to just focus on those things that GOD is calling me to focus on.

So how do we tell the difference? More next time.....

What else can I say?

The Headline Reads "Canadian Killed", and once again, our collective hearts mourn.

In the midst of this conflict, though, there IS hope:

"We are making the area more secure, more secure for us and more secure for Afghans, because the Taliban don't make the difference,"said Laroche, commander of Canada's military forces in Afghanistan.
"That's what Canadians are doing, and we won't stop helping the people of Afghanistan."