This evening I was at The Gathering! It was amazing., and while I was there, God reminded me that He moves in mysterious ways-and uses irony!
Just to bring you up to speed, I have laryngitis, I have lost my voice. All that comes out is an odd barking sound, imagine a broken fog horn mixed with a walrus, and you have a likeness of what my voice is like. Many people have been mocking me in my illness-which is a whole other story.
We were worshipping at Scotiabank Place. Because of my voice, I was not singing but just mouthing the words or just clapping. Then one of my FAVOURITE songs. I threw caution-and my doctor's advice- to the wind and croaked out the chorus.
I sang:
"I Love you Lord, and I lift my voice, to worship you, Oh my soul, rejoice" and then I started to smile as I realized what was coming next in the song
"take joy my King, in what you hear, let it be a sweet, sweet sound, in your ear!"
Normally, I have an OK singing voice. Normally I would be able to say that perhaps my voice would be a sweet sound in God's ear, but tonight! Not so much, remember the broken fog horn? The Walrus? Not so sweet a sound, but on I sang, with the knowlege that it actually didn't matter what I sounded like, that God responds to our heart.
A few moments later a new song- another favourite. This time Chris Tomlin.
The song goes: How great is our God, sing with me!
Again I am croaking out the words in a voice deep enough to get a Richter reading (for eathequakes), but I know that God is loving it!
I realized that this is kind of how I sometimes live my life. I know what I do well, and what I don't do so well, and it is easy to belt out the lyrics of a song since I have a decent voice, but something that I am not as good at-say dancing, I will hold back on, because I don't want people to see my inadequacy.
It comes back to this blog and my Messy Life. I am not going to be shy to croak out my life, if you wanna croak along with me....... go for it!
Isn't God ironic?
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Because You asked Tracy!
It has been a while since I have posted. I have realized that I have much more to say when I am dealing with something difficult! I am not sure why. I suppose it is like they say: If you have a good experience, you will tell one person, if you have a bad experience, you will tell 12!
Life has been pretty good, except I have been sick. I lost my voice and have had to take the whole week off work! Even when I had my tonsils out, and my wisdom teeth out I have NEVER been sick this long in one stretch.
Don't get me wrong, if you are going to "have" to take the whole week off work, you might as well do it when you are feeling OK than when you are feeling really horrid! Not to say I don't feel sick, it is more run down. I have a doctor's note that has me off work until Tuesday, even so, I might have to take unpaid leave from work! I am praying for favour, I see the doctor again on Friday so you can pray please!
In the meantime though, in His timing and perfect provision, I got a phone call on Friday from a girl looking for a room. We chatted a little bit- God is good, and she arrived this morning from the east coast and will be living with me, paying rent! How cool is God. I have been waiting and praying for just the right roommates since March. One amazing roommate moved in in July,m and here we are. Although I have occasionally reminded God of my need, I have felt at peace. I didn't work hard to find a rommate, I just called the church and left word! Anytime I thought of putting an ad in the paper or posting online, there was a check in my Spirit, I just KNEW that God had it all worked out. And now here we are-a house full of Christian girls all making our way in the world!!
It is so great to have a place where, with 3 days notice, I can pull together a FURNISHED room where there wasn't furnishings before!
God is SO good!
I must remember to write down the good stuff. It is especially important. It seems like all that I was going through last month was in order to highlight the good that was to come.
Life has been pretty good, except I have been sick. I lost my voice and have had to take the whole week off work! Even when I had my tonsils out, and my wisdom teeth out I have NEVER been sick this long in one stretch.
Don't get me wrong, if you are going to "have" to take the whole week off work, you might as well do it when you are feeling OK than when you are feeling really horrid! Not to say I don't feel sick, it is more run down. I have a doctor's note that has me off work until Tuesday, even so, I might have to take unpaid leave from work! I am praying for favour, I see the doctor again on Friday so you can pray please!
In the meantime though, in His timing and perfect provision, I got a phone call on Friday from a girl looking for a room. We chatted a little bit- God is good, and she arrived this morning from the east coast and will be living with me, paying rent! How cool is God. I have been waiting and praying for just the right roommates since March. One amazing roommate moved in in July,m and here we are. Although I have occasionally reminded God of my need, I have felt at peace. I didn't work hard to find a rommate, I just called the church and left word! Anytime I thought of putting an ad in the paper or posting online, there was a check in my Spirit, I just KNEW that God had it all worked out. And now here we are-a house full of Christian girls all making our way in the world!!
It is so great to have a place where, with 3 days notice, I can pull together a FURNISHED room where there wasn't furnishings before!
God is SO good!
I must remember to write down the good stuff. It is especially important. It seems like all that I was going through last month was in order to highlight the good that was to come.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Stop and Smell the flowers!
There is a subject that I feel like I need to touch on here, the Lord has been working on it.
It is not major or "bad", however it is "deep" in terms of the depth that it reaches into the foundation of who I am. I had a great conversation that was the "jumping off" point for this subject and I am ruminating-I love that word, it is slow and purposeful- on all the areas that it touches in my life. So stay tuned, it is about relationships: why some work and others don't and how that relates to how I feel about internet dating.
In the meantime, I encourage you to surf through the archives. If I may venture a couple of suggestions: like the chef telling you about their favourites. The postings that I "like" the most are "Journeys", "when a vacation saved my sanity" and "when placemats are profound".
Thanks for coming back !
It is not major or "bad", however it is "deep" in terms of the depth that it reaches into the foundation of who I am. I had a great conversation that was the "jumping off" point for this subject and I am ruminating-I love that word, it is slow and purposeful- on all the areas that it touches in my life. So stay tuned, it is about relationships: why some work and others don't and how that relates to how I feel about internet dating.
In the meantime, I encourage you to surf through the archives. If I may venture a couple of suggestions: like the chef telling you about their favourites. The postings that I "like" the most are "Journeys", "when a vacation saved my sanity" and "when placemats are profound".
Thanks for coming back !
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Wrong appointments, and new neighbours
So the strangest things can happen without you knowing. I was thinking all day about what to write about, and I had nothing until a phone call came.
I have a good friend, actually more like a sister, who has a new boy in her life! Actually let me back up!
This evening I got my dates mixed up and when to the church for a meeting that I thought was tonite. After confirming that the meeting is actually tomorrow, I left. As I walked out of the church I saw the wife of my contractor who had left my house key in her office (at the church!) so I was able to get my house key. As I was driving home, I put it in the armrest of my car, thinking "this is a good place for a spare key!"
And this where my "little sister" comes in. She called me all googly about the date that she had just been on and wanted to come over to tell me all about it! So of course she came over. We chatted and hung out, then she left........ and then the "fun" began.
She had parked in one of my neighbour's parking spots and someone had blocked her in. She called me from the car to try and help her out, so I grabbed my coat and went out.
As we were trying to figure the best way out, my neighbour pulled in. Now I have lived in my house for 5 months and just 2 weeks ago met my neighbour. As he pulled in I asked if he knew where the car's owner lived. It turns out that his girlfriend was in the spot next to Amanda's, she moved her car and Amanda got out just fine. All was well, we waived bye and I went to the house but the front door was locked!!!! I couldn't believe it, on the way out of the house I had turned the doorknob and locked the door!
Attempts to rouse my overworked, exhausted roommate when unanswered, then it hit me! The key in the car! The new aquiantance with a phone! And the best part.... CAA membership- God is good!!
So I borrowed the neighbours phone, made the call to CAA, and got a tour of my nieghbour's house. And while I waited for the tow truck, I prayed for all of my neighbours.
What a night!!
Who would have thought that a forgotten errand, mistaken appointment, blocked-in car, and a locked door all after a date I wasn't on, could have made me smile and know that God is truly looking out for me.
Why is it that I can see the faithfulness of God in these things, but somehow miss Him in the big events, and timeline of my life.
I have a good friend, actually more like a sister, who has a new boy in her life! Actually let me back up!
This evening I got my dates mixed up and when to the church for a meeting that I thought was tonite. After confirming that the meeting is actually tomorrow, I left. As I walked out of the church I saw the wife of my contractor who had left my house key in her office (at the church!) so I was able to get my house key. As I was driving home, I put it in the armrest of my car, thinking "this is a good place for a spare key!"
And this where my "little sister" comes in. She called me all googly about the date that she had just been on and wanted to come over to tell me all about it! So of course she came over. We chatted and hung out, then she left........ and then the "fun" began.
She had parked in one of my neighbour's parking spots and someone had blocked her in. She called me from the car to try and help her out, so I grabbed my coat and went out.
As we were trying to figure the best way out, my neighbour pulled in. Now I have lived in my house for 5 months and just 2 weeks ago met my neighbour. As he pulled in I asked if he knew where the car's owner lived. It turns out that his girlfriend was in the spot next to Amanda's, she moved her car and Amanda got out just fine. All was well, we waived bye and I went to the house but the front door was locked!!!! I couldn't believe it, on the way out of the house I had turned the doorknob and locked the door!
Attempts to rouse my overworked, exhausted roommate when unanswered, then it hit me! The key in the car! The new aquiantance with a phone! And the best part.... CAA membership- God is good!!
So I borrowed the neighbours phone, made the call to CAA, and got a tour of my nieghbour's house. And while I waited for the tow truck, I prayed for all of my neighbours.
What a night!!
Who would have thought that a forgotten errand, mistaken appointment, blocked-in car, and a locked door all after a date I wasn't on, could have made me smile and know that God is truly looking out for me.
Why is it that I can see the faithfulness of God in these things, but somehow miss Him in the big events, and timeline of my life.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
The Many faces, which is your favourite?
God has many different faces. God the provider, God the healer etc.
Graeham Cooke calls God "the kindest person [he] ever met"
You have heard a lot about me.... what is YOUR favourite face of God?
Graeham Cooke calls God "the kindest person [he] ever met"
You have heard a lot about me.... what is YOUR favourite face of God?
Monday, October 16, 2006
When's the Wedding?
Today we travel back in time. I came across something I wrote a couple of years ago. It is interesting that while the circumstance is not recent, the experience is the same! Enjoy!
I recently attended the happy occasion of a Bridal shower for a friend. I will admit that at this stage in my life another wedding shower would not have been my Saturday Night of choice. I say that for a number of reasons. Not the least of which that it was not a wedding shower in MY honour! (As a side note, I am keeping a list of all the people I buy wedding/ shower gifts for and I am going to invite them to my wedding! At this rate, I will be able to furnish my home, the cottage and buy the BMW that I have always wanted!) It is not that I am not happy for the bride; in fact, I love to see people find the one that they are meant to spend the rest of their lives with. Mostly, I don’t enjoy bridal showers for 2 reasons. I am not a big fan of big parties and the second is because I can guarantee that without exception, as I am reaching over the vegetable dip to get to the brownies, a wonderful God-fearing, kind, loving woman will turn to me and ask “so Laura, when do we all get to throw a party like this for you?” Now, depending on the weather, phase of the moon – and time of the month- I have differing answers ranging from: a tightlipped fake smile that hide the tears brimming in my eyes to something witty about when God finished keeping me all to himself! Occasionally, on a bad day I might say something like “Oh I guess when I have taken care of all the sin in my life!” Over the years, I have forced myself to extend grace to all of those women, I know that they love me and they know that getting married is a deep desire of my heart; it doesn’t make the comments hurt less.
Even while I am defending my single hood and trying to get people to look past it to who I am. The arguments that I make ring a little hollow because I would give my right arm to be married. I realize that since I am right handed that would be a problem, however, if I give up my LEFT hand, where would I put the diamond??
As a single person, some of my loneliest moments are not what you would think. Friday night alone with a movie has sadly become one of the routines that I look forward to. I am no longer lonely in those moments. The loneliest moments always catch me off guard. Just today, I had a situation with my car. It wouldn’t start. This was not a problem-I have been there before. I called CAA and had them tow my car to the dealership. Through this all, I was fine until I was standing there, needing to make a decision about 2 courses of action. Neither way would have been the “ideal” and I realized standing right there that I didn’t know what to do. Worse than that, I needed someone who I trusted to help me.
I did what most single girls do when there is a car question, I called my dad-but there was no answer. I hung up feeling more alone than I have felt in a long time. I scrolled through my cell phone’s list of numbers blinking back tears and trying not to look like “a girl”. I finally got in touch with one of my “guys” and we figured out what needed to be done. I was reminded of one of the reasons I so much want to get married. You realize that no matter how content in life, we always need people.
A note about “my guys”: I am privileged to have around me a few great Men who I call on occasionally. The most important one is, of course my father, car problems, house repair, moving van driving I call on him. In medical emergencies, car accidents, heavy lifting or car shopping no one is better than my big brother. Then I have the best friend’s husband who is good for a bear hug, guy advice, flirtation interpretation, or a living example of what it means to be a man of God. And of course, there is the “safe date”: This is the great guy that you often think “If only…” but you know that a relationship would never work. I highly recommend one with a decent job and who looks good dressed up and in a ball cap. This is the kind of guy that you can meet for coffee dressed in track pants and a ball cap, or who will spring for a GREAT evening for your birthday!
It seems that I am most lonely when I am out of my comfort zone and I need advice, assistance, or help from a trusted source. When it would be helpful to have someone there who knows the history of the situation and with whose decision-making skills I am already familiar and comfortable. Sometimes, I just want to be the one who gets to be taken care of, who gets to do the leaning. As one who stands almost 6 feet tall, and who has always carried myself with strength and confidence, I often find that people around me rely and lean on me-which I love, it makes me feel needed But many times there is no one for me to lean on. Through all of this, the easy church answer is that all that we need is in JESUS. My answer to that is Yes….BUT.
Many times, I have wondered about my faith. After all that God has brought me through, how can I still be in need of anything? So many times singles beat themselves up for even wanting to get married. I can’t count the number of times that I have been told or made to feel, that the reason that I am not married is because I still have not put my whole faith and hope in Jesus, and that I look for things and people outside of Him.
To be perfectly honest, I don’t have the answer to that one. I know that in the deepest parts of me, I want Jesus to be everything to me. I feel like my relationship can go deeper, and there are those whom God has sustained who don’t need anything else. I also know that God made me who I am. In His infinite wisdom and love, He fashioned me into who I am. He wired me to love children and to desire to share my life with another. These are all things that He has created. I also know that He has a plan and a purpose for my life and that every day in written in His book.
Nothing that I do is a surprise to God. Nothing that you do catches Him off guard. He knows that we all have bad days and good. My biggest prayer over the last 10+ years, is this: God if it is not in your plan for me to marry, PLEASE take the desire away so that I can devote my life to serving you.
I continue to wait for God’s perfect timing. I heard Terry Bone say: “God is never late, but he doesn’t take too many opportunities to be early!”
I recently attended the happy occasion of a Bridal shower for a friend. I will admit that at this stage in my life another wedding shower would not have been my Saturday Night of choice. I say that for a number of reasons. Not the least of which that it was not a wedding shower in MY honour! (As a side note, I am keeping a list of all the people I buy wedding/ shower gifts for and I am going to invite them to my wedding! At this rate, I will be able to furnish my home, the cottage and buy the BMW that I have always wanted!) It is not that I am not happy for the bride; in fact, I love to see people find the one that they are meant to spend the rest of their lives with. Mostly, I don’t enjoy bridal showers for 2 reasons. I am not a big fan of big parties and the second is because I can guarantee that without exception, as I am reaching over the vegetable dip to get to the brownies, a wonderful God-fearing, kind, loving woman will turn to me and ask “so Laura, when do we all get to throw a party like this for you?” Now, depending on the weather, phase of the moon – and time of the month- I have differing answers ranging from: a tightlipped fake smile that hide the tears brimming in my eyes to something witty about when God finished keeping me all to himself! Occasionally, on a bad day I might say something like “Oh I guess when I have taken care of all the sin in my life!” Over the years, I have forced myself to extend grace to all of those women, I know that they love me and they know that getting married is a deep desire of my heart; it doesn’t make the comments hurt less.
Even while I am defending my single hood and trying to get people to look past it to who I am. The arguments that I make ring a little hollow because I would give my right arm to be married. I realize that since I am right handed that would be a problem, however, if I give up my LEFT hand, where would I put the diamond??
As a single person, some of my loneliest moments are not what you would think. Friday night alone with a movie has sadly become one of the routines that I look forward to. I am no longer lonely in those moments. The loneliest moments always catch me off guard. Just today, I had a situation with my car. It wouldn’t start. This was not a problem-I have been there before. I called CAA and had them tow my car to the dealership. Through this all, I was fine until I was standing there, needing to make a decision about 2 courses of action. Neither way would have been the “ideal” and I realized standing right there that I didn’t know what to do. Worse than that, I needed someone who I trusted to help me.
I did what most single girls do when there is a car question, I called my dad-but there was no answer. I hung up feeling more alone than I have felt in a long time. I scrolled through my cell phone’s list of numbers blinking back tears and trying not to look like “a girl”. I finally got in touch with one of my “guys” and we figured out what needed to be done. I was reminded of one of the reasons I so much want to get married. You realize that no matter how content in life, we always need people.
A note about “my guys”: I am privileged to have around me a few great Men who I call on occasionally. The most important one is, of course my father, car problems, house repair, moving van driving I call on him. In medical emergencies, car accidents, heavy lifting or car shopping no one is better than my big brother. Then I have the best friend’s husband who is good for a bear hug, guy advice, flirtation interpretation, or a living example of what it means to be a man of God. And of course, there is the “safe date”: This is the great guy that you often think “If only…” but you know that a relationship would never work. I highly recommend one with a decent job and who looks good dressed up and in a ball cap. This is the kind of guy that you can meet for coffee dressed in track pants and a ball cap, or who will spring for a GREAT evening for your birthday!
It seems that I am most lonely when I am out of my comfort zone and I need advice, assistance, or help from a trusted source. When it would be helpful to have someone there who knows the history of the situation and with whose decision-making skills I am already familiar and comfortable. Sometimes, I just want to be the one who gets to be taken care of, who gets to do the leaning. As one who stands almost 6 feet tall, and who has always carried myself with strength and confidence, I often find that people around me rely and lean on me-which I love, it makes me feel needed But many times there is no one for me to lean on. Through all of this, the easy church answer is that all that we need is in JESUS. My answer to that is Yes….BUT.
Many times, I have wondered about my faith. After all that God has brought me through, how can I still be in need of anything? So many times singles beat themselves up for even wanting to get married. I can’t count the number of times that I have been told or made to feel, that the reason that I am not married is because I still have not put my whole faith and hope in Jesus, and that I look for things and people outside of Him.
To be perfectly honest, I don’t have the answer to that one. I know that in the deepest parts of me, I want Jesus to be everything to me. I feel like my relationship can go deeper, and there are those whom God has sustained who don’t need anything else. I also know that God made me who I am. In His infinite wisdom and love, He fashioned me into who I am. He wired me to love children and to desire to share my life with another. These are all things that He has created. I also know that He has a plan and a purpose for my life and that every day in written in His book.
Nothing that I do is a surprise to God. Nothing that you do catches Him off guard. He knows that we all have bad days and good. My biggest prayer over the last 10+ years, is this: God if it is not in your plan for me to marry, PLEASE take the desire away so that I can devote my life to serving you.
I continue to wait for God’s perfect timing. I heard Terry Bone say: “God is never late, but he doesn’t take too many opportunities to be early!”
Sunday, October 15, 2006
When a vacation saved my sanity!
I would love to say that I went on vacation to some remote and exotic spot and found my sanity and came home with tanlines, digital pictures and maybe some stories to tell, but I have not been away in quite a while. No the vacation that I refer to is someone else's.
As a homeowner I have had to deal with all sorts of creatures: squirrels who like the cotton on the inside of my BBQ cover, a spider who live in my kitchen window - I have named her Charlotte - and the unknown animals whose droppings appear in the oddest places; but nothing could have prepared me for the biggest annoyance to anyone's life. The saddest part of this whole story is that I brought some of them with me when I moved in!
These horrid creatures that I refer to are the "shoulds". Let me tell you all about them. By day, the are adorable and cuddly and have the shape of good plans and intentions. When you think about the shoulds during the day you can be comforted and optimistic. I speak of course of those good things to do that rise us above the level of just existing. Things like: I should make cookies for my neigbour. I should clean out the guest room closet. I should research furnaces before mine dies so that I don't have to make a hasty decision before the snow flies.
The shoulds are not things that you have to do like get up and go to work, pay your bills, or shower. Shoulds are all those things that you think separate you from all those poeple who have it all together. I have a theory that Martha Stewart is the Queen of the Shoulds she brought them into our lives and they have taken over. It is all that pressure to do the things that we think will make us better people. During the day.... no problem, we make our lists and our plans and we feel all warm and fuzzy that we have the ambition to think of it!
The problem happens in the dark. There is a genetic mutation in the Shoulds, that causes them to turn evil and mean when the sun goes down. They become these ugly, hissing beings that crawl into bed with you and whisper things in your ears. Things like "you should have washed the floor today" or "that thank you note you meant to write, is too late now, you should have done it sooner" and they lie to you and ask "who will ever love someone who lives in a messy house" or "How will God ever trust you with more? You bought lunch when you should have packed it."
My house seemed to be the epicentre of the global infestation of the shoulds, and the problem seemed only to get worse the more I tried to ignore it. The shoulds were torturing me, clinging to my clothes and dragging me into their sick little reality. the house, the car, the hair, the weight, the job, the shallow relationship with God...... there seemed to be no end to the ways that I was failing dramatically..... to hear it from their perpective, you would think that I was no better than a reprobate sinner, who cheated little old ladies out of their life savings. The evidence around me didn't support the argument, but I believed the lies anyway.
The whole purpose of the Shoulds is to keep you off your "game", to sabotage what success you DO have by focussing on what you missed. Kind of like a parent whose first response to a grade of 98% asks "What happened to the other 2%?". I think as women we do this to ourselves so much. As single women it carries the weight of negating our "qualification" to ever find love and happiness- so it is a double whammy!
As I said, I was mired in the Shoulds to the point that I couldn't even see the good things that had nothing to do with my performance, it was just all bad. And then during one particular phone call with Nicolle (amazing friend by the way), she suggested that I not be so hard on myself and that I could let a few things slide. All of those shoulds that don't matter and have nothing to do with financial obligation or safety. Since I was already good at justifying my way out of housework etc, I figured that I had the basic skill to accomplish this particular mission, just let it go. So off I went with a new sense of purpose getting rid of the shoulds.
Day 1: "I should clean the kitchen" said the should on duty.
"I don't FEEL like it" I replied
"What if someone sees the mess, what will they think of you?"
Here's where it gets good.
I said "I DON'T CARE! What are they going to do? Stop being my friend because there are some dishes in the sink?"
And then.... Silence.....
I had rendered the should silent!
Day 2: "I should vacccuum"
"No, I don't want to" I replied, and paused
This time though, when I paused, I thought of all my favourite people, and I tried to imagine them coming into my house with an unvaccuumed floor, and what their response would be. Amazingly enough, I couldn't think of one important person who would stop being my friend because I hadn't vaccuumed!!!!
The should had no response... he just turned and walked away
Day 3: I was at work, and it was almost lunchtime. I had started having co-workers over for lunch, they would bring thier lunches and we would eat together- but normally I would do a mental check of the state of my house before inviting them over. On this day, the house was a mess-I had been ignoring the shoulds. I took a big risk and invited them over.
Guess WHAT! No one mocked me, or ran screaming from my house, and they all thanked me for my hospitality!!
When I got home that evening, the shoulds were all lined up at the door, suitcases in hand, and announced that they simply couldn't work under these circumstances and that they would be leaving for vacation, and that I was on my own.
And so I was free from the shoulds, for a time.
So there was peace.
After a time, the shoulds returned. But an interesting thing had happened while they were away. A colony of want tos moved in! They applied for permanent residency. The shoulds were a little upset, but then they realized that when the work together with the want tos, more gets done, I am happier and we all sleep better at night.
And somewhere, the Queen of the Shoulds abdicated her throne and is enjoying life immensly!!!
As a homeowner I have had to deal with all sorts of creatures: squirrels who like the cotton on the inside of my BBQ cover, a spider who live in my kitchen window - I have named her Charlotte - and the unknown animals whose droppings appear in the oddest places; but nothing could have prepared me for the biggest annoyance to anyone's life. The saddest part of this whole story is that I brought some of them with me when I moved in!
These horrid creatures that I refer to are the "shoulds". Let me tell you all about them. By day, the are adorable and cuddly and have the shape of good plans and intentions. When you think about the shoulds during the day you can be comforted and optimistic. I speak of course of those good things to do that rise us above the level of just existing. Things like: I should make cookies for my neigbour. I should clean out the guest room closet. I should research furnaces before mine dies so that I don't have to make a hasty decision before the snow flies.
The shoulds are not things that you have to do like get up and go to work, pay your bills, or shower. Shoulds are all those things that you think separate you from all those poeple who have it all together. I have a theory that Martha Stewart is the Queen of the Shoulds she brought them into our lives and they have taken over. It is all that pressure to do the things that we think will make us better people. During the day.... no problem, we make our lists and our plans and we feel all warm and fuzzy that we have the ambition to think of it!
The problem happens in the dark. There is a genetic mutation in the Shoulds, that causes them to turn evil and mean when the sun goes down. They become these ugly, hissing beings that crawl into bed with you and whisper things in your ears. Things like "you should have washed the floor today" or "that thank you note you meant to write, is too late now, you should have done it sooner" and they lie to you and ask "who will ever love someone who lives in a messy house" or "How will God ever trust you with more? You bought lunch when you should have packed it."
My house seemed to be the epicentre of the global infestation of the shoulds, and the problem seemed only to get worse the more I tried to ignore it. The shoulds were torturing me, clinging to my clothes and dragging me into their sick little reality. the house, the car, the hair, the weight, the job, the shallow relationship with God...... there seemed to be no end to the ways that I was failing dramatically..... to hear it from their perpective, you would think that I was no better than a reprobate sinner, who cheated little old ladies out of their life savings. The evidence around me didn't support the argument, but I believed the lies anyway.
The whole purpose of the Shoulds is to keep you off your "game", to sabotage what success you DO have by focussing on what you missed. Kind of like a parent whose first response to a grade of 98% asks "What happened to the other 2%?". I think as women we do this to ourselves so much. As single women it carries the weight of negating our "qualification" to ever find love and happiness- so it is a double whammy!
As I said, I was mired in the Shoulds to the point that I couldn't even see the good things that had nothing to do with my performance, it was just all bad. And then during one particular phone call with Nicolle (amazing friend by the way), she suggested that I not be so hard on myself and that I could let a few things slide. All of those shoulds that don't matter and have nothing to do with financial obligation or safety. Since I was already good at justifying my way out of housework etc, I figured that I had the basic skill to accomplish this particular mission, just let it go. So off I went with a new sense of purpose getting rid of the shoulds.
Day 1: "I should clean the kitchen" said the should on duty.
"I don't FEEL like it" I replied
"What if someone sees the mess, what will they think of you?"
Here's where it gets good.
I said "I DON'T CARE! What are they going to do? Stop being my friend because there are some dishes in the sink?"
And then.... Silence.....
I had rendered the should silent!
Day 2: "I should vacccuum"
"No, I don't want to" I replied, and paused
This time though, when I paused, I thought of all my favourite people, and I tried to imagine them coming into my house with an unvaccuumed floor, and what their response would be. Amazingly enough, I couldn't think of one important person who would stop being my friend because I hadn't vaccuumed!!!!
The should had no response... he just turned and walked away
Day 3: I was at work, and it was almost lunchtime. I had started having co-workers over for lunch, they would bring thier lunches and we would eat together- but normally I would do a mental check of the state of my house before inviting them over. On this day, the house was a mess-I had been ignoring the shoulds. I took a big risk and invited them over.
Guess WHAT! No one mocked me, or ran screaming from my house, and they all thanked me for my hospitality!!
When I got home that evening, the shoulds were all lined up at the door, suitcases in hand, and announced that they simply couldn't work under these circumstances and that they would be leaving for vacation, and that I was on my own.
And so I was free from the shoulds, for a time.
So there was peace.
After a time, the shoulds returned. But an interesting thing had happened while they were away. A colony of want tos moved in! They applied for permanent residency. The shoulds were a little upset, but then they realized that when the work together with the want tos, more gets done, I am happier and we all sleep better at night.
And somewhere, the Queen of the Shoulds abdicated her throne and is enjoying life immensly!!!
Saturday, October 14, 2006
I'm Stupid..... and God's OK with that!!!
Let me explain! Tonight I was at a LifeGroup and we were talking about the challenges in our lives, and how we learn the lessons that God ask us to learn. I was talking about how long it takes for me to learn some of these lessons.
I am so grateful that God is OK with the many times that it takes for me to learn a lesson sometimes. How many times He has to watch me squirm and twist my way through another difficult lesson that I should have learned the first time!
Thank you Lord that you are OK with me and how long it sometimes takes for me to learn some of those lessons!!!
I am so grateful that God is OK with the many times that it takes for me to learn a lesson sometimes. How many times He has to watch me squirm and twist my way through another difficult lesson that I should have learned the first time!
Thank you Lord that you are OK with me and how long it sometimes takes for me to learn some of those lessons!!!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
A Surprising Entry
Top reasons I like being single:
1) I get the remote all to myself
2) Crying watching Oprah- and keeping my dignity
3) The mirrors and the drivers seat are always right where I need them to be
4) That last :piece of cake/pie, dish of ice cream, cookie, bit of mac & cheese, chocolate bar that I have been looking forward to is never eaten!
5) Things are where I last put them
6) No judgemental looks when reaching for another helping
7) No need to hide YET ANOTHER box of shoes!
8) If I want that expensive yet beautiful tea-set, I am the only one who needs to suffer through a week of no name pasta to compensate!
9) Ordering pizza doesn't require a UN negotiator (sausage? No sausage!)
10) Figuring out something I didn't know before, and might not have learned if there was someone else around to do it for me.
11) Still having the best things of my life ahead of me!
12) Finding out that when you need someone, people are happy to help
13) A quiet house after a long loud day at work
14) Surprising myself by learning something new
15) Having a cool roommate who introduces me to people that I wouldn't have met otherwise, and remind me what it was like to be 20
16) Having the time to help out a friend with babysitting
17) Not having to check-in
18) Getting to build my own gate- and brag about it!
19) No devastating surprises
20) Being able to leave last night's dishes in the sink!
1) I get the remote all to myself
2) Crying watching Oprah- and keeping my dignity
3) The mirrors and the drivers seat are always right where I need them to be
4) That last :piece of cake/pie, dish of ice cream, cookie, bit of mac & cheese, chocolate bar that I have been looking forward to is never eaten!
5) Things are where I last put them
6) No judgemental looks when reaching for another helping
7) No need to hide YET ANOTHER box of shoes!
8) If I want that expensive yet beautiful tea-set, I am the only one who needs to suffer through a week of no name pasta to compensate!
9) Ordering pizza doesn't require a UN negotiator (sausage? No sausage!)
10) Figuring out something I didn't know before, and might not have learned if there was someone else around to do it for me.
11) Still having the best things of my life ahead of me!
12) Finding out that when you need someone, people are happy to help
13) A quiet house after a long loud day at work
14) Surprising myself by learning something new
15) Having a cool roommate who introduces me to people that I wouldn't have met otherwise, and remind me what it was like to be 20
16) Having the time to help out a friend with babysitting
17) Not having to check-in
18) Getting to build my own gate- and brag about it!
19) No devastating surprises
20) Being able to leave last night's dishes in the sink!
Burke's Epiphany
Today was uneventful, I stayed home because I wasn't feeling well, and so I had a great opportunity to rest. Sometimes it is nice to be at home when you weren't "scheduled" to be. It means that you really have nothing planned and you just get to "be". All the chores are done, all the projects that NEED to be addressed, have been. And so I rested!
I had a surprise call from a friend who came at the last minute and we had a "track pants on the couch night" and watched Grey's Anatomy. Lots of drama, good-looking doctors in scrubs, and sparky dialogue, interspersed with comments from the couch about what was going to happen next- I am always right by the way!
One of the story lines is about a renowned surgeon who is recovering from a gunshot wound inflicted last season. He is trying to work his way back into the operating room, but is having difficulty with his hand. He knows that he is having problems, but everyone around him-including his girlfriend, who works for him- thinks to highly of him that they don't takethe time to really look at him and assess his level of ability. At one point he asks again if they really think that he is ready to go back, and gets a distracted response. He seems about to tell the doctor about his problem when his adoring girlfriend-and fan/employee- walks in. There is this look on his face that desperatly wants someone to really see him in his place of weakness. Then his girlfriend says "he is fine, he is perfect". Away this doctor walks sad that know one was seeing his need but too afraid to say anything.
There is a lot of talk on Grey's Anatomy about how surgeons wrap their identity up in what they DO at the expense of knowing who they are. Knowing that this is a theme, and having had moments in my life where I didn't know who I was outside of what I did, I could feel the character's dilemma. If he admits that he can and should no longer be a operating he loses his identity, his place in this world, and he thinks the woman he loves.
In a beautiful moment she goes after him and when he admits the situation, she is quick to reassure him that her feelings haven't changed and that she will back him up.
It got me thinking...... how do we expect the best out of ourselves and those around us, while allowing them the room to be vulnerable, weak, and occasionally human??
I pray that God will open my eyes to opportunities to SEE the people around me who are looking for someone to give them permission to admit a weakness, or insecurity. When we do that for one another, we take away the power that the enemy has to blow little things out of proportion. As we all know, exposing fears and uncertainty neutralizes the threat that they carry. When the 'secrets' in our lives are exposed, they no longer have control over us.
This week, I am going to look a second time at people and really SEE them....
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Authentic Influence
Recently I overheard co-workers discussing housework and guests. It was one of those strange conversations that can only happen with people that you spend 8+ hours a day with. They were talking about having guests and being a guest and how different people keep their homes. Not being a huge fan of housework, my ears perked up to hear unguarded responses.
You see I always was that person who before you arrived, had just spent 8 hours scrubbing, tidying, rearranging and making sure that every cupboard and room was spotless. For my whole life I had this idea that if people could see the "real" me that they would run screaming from the room. This was completely logical in that I didn't like me most of the time and if I could have I would have left too!
By "real" me I mean the not put together, bumbling, lost person that I frequently feel like. It was this “real” person who became like a skeleton in my closet I was desperate to keep hidden. I was certain that the bad things in my life outweighed the good.
And so began the construction. Walls went up around my heart to protect it from pain, mazes leading to my feelings meant that people gave up long before they reached the centre, and of course the all important smoke screen, distract and evade. Dress nicely, smile, and act as if everything is fine. It works. People stay far away. They know when they are not wanted.
But then there were circumstances in my life that couldn’t be avoided, and that stone wall, that façade began to crumble. There were days that I didn’t know what I was going to do. I felt like the Wizard of Oz desperately holding onto the fantasy “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain”. I was certain that my life as I knew it was over. That when people found out that I wasn’t the pulled together, well adjusted person that they knew, that I would be alone. At least before, there were lots of people around me, even if they didn’t KNOW the real me.
As the dust settled and I stood feeling completely exposed to the world. My shame right there for all to see, my failures and my insecurities laid bare. To my amazement, as I opened my eyes, I realized that I had not been abandoned; in fact, people I didn’t even know were standing, arms wide open, waiting, and smiling. They were smiling because finally I realized what they all already knew. They all had seen through my blustering and posturing, they dodged my hurtful comments when they knew I was just protecting myself, and most of all they had prayed.
I began the slow process of authenticity, of finding opportunities to be real. Opportunities to share my thoughts, disappointments and weaknesses. Much to my surprise, instead of keeping people away, authenticity has drawn people toward me. In being real, people are real with me, and I love it. I am so honoured when people share their challenges, because I know how hard it is to be vulnerable. I love it when a friendship moves to the place of track pants on the couch-girls you know what I mean. For me, having someone in my home who is totally relaxed, feet up, and real, it is an honour!!
At the end of the conversation my co-workers were having, my friend Brock said something so profound, it struck me and I have thought of it often. He said that when he goes to someone’s home and it is messy-like how every home is during the day when we are living there! - he said that is when he knows that someone is truly a friend because they are not worried about what he thinks, they just are who they are!! How amazing is that
It stopped me in my tracks. I chewed on this idea for a long time.
Then I put it to the test. I would invite people over spontaneously, apologize ONCE for the house being a bit messy, and then just let it go. You know….. not one person has left upset, not one person has stopped being my friend, and in fact, my home is filled more often with people than ever before!!!! Amazing isn’t it. Could it be that no one really cares what my house looks like??? That they just keep coming around because they like me? And, gasp, that they feel comfortable in my home???
Maybe I’m onto something here! * grins *
You see I always was that person who before you arrived, had just spent 8 hours scrubbing, tidying, rearranging and making sure that every cupboard and room was spotless. For my whole life I had this idea that if people could see the "real" me that they would run screaming from the room. This was completely logical in that I didn't like me most of the time and if I could have I would have left too!
By "real" me I mean the not put together, bumbling, lost person that I frequently feel like. It was this “real” person who became like a skeleton in my closet I was desperate to keep hidden. I was certain that the bad things in my life outweighed the good.
And so began the construction. Walls went up around my heart to protect it from pain, mazes leading to my feelings meant that people gave up long before they reached the centre, and of course the all important smoke screen, distract and evade. Dress nicely, smile, and act as if everything is fine. It works. People stay far away. They know when they are not wanted.
But then there were circumstances in my life that couldn’t be avoided, and that stone wall, that façade began to crumble. There were days that I didn’t know what I was going to do. I felt like the Wizard of Oz desperately holding onto the fantasy “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain”. I was certain that my life as I knew it was over. That when people found out that I wasn’t the pulled together, well adjusted person that they knew, that I would be alone. At least before, there were lots of people around me, even if they didn’t KNOW the real me.
As the dust settled and I stood feeling completely exposed to the world. My shame right there for all to see, my failures and my insecurities laid bare. To my amazement, as I opened my eyes, I realized that I had not been abandoned; in fact, people I didn’t even know were standing, arms wide open, waiting, and smiling. They were smiling because finally I realized what they all already knew. They all had seen through my blustering and posturing, they dodged my hurtful comments when they knew I was just protecting myself, and most of all they had prayed.
I began the slow process of authenticity, of finding opportunities to be real. Opportunities to share my thoughts, disappointments and weaknesses. Much to my surprise, instead of keeping people away, authenticity has drawn people toward me. In being real, people are real with me, and I love it. I am so honoured when people share their challenges, because I know how hard it is to be vulnerable. I love it when a friendship moves to the place of track pants on the couch-girls you know what I mean. For me, having someone in my home who is totally relaxed, feet up, and real, it is an honour!!
At the end of the conversation my co-workers were having, my friend Brock said something so profound, it struck me and I have thought of it often. He said that when he goes to someone’s home and it is messy-like how every home is during the day when we are living there! - he said that is when he knows that someone is truly a friend because they are not worried about what he thinks, they just are who they are!! How amazing is that
It stopped me in my tracks. I chewed on this idea for a long time.
Then I put it to the test. I would invite people over spontaneously, apologize ONCE for the house being a bit messy, and then just let it go. You know….. not one person has left upset, not one person has stopped being my friend, and in fact, my home is filled more often with people than ever before!!!! Amazing isn’t it. Could it be that no one really cares what my house looks like??? That they just keep coming around because they like me? And, gasp, that they feel comfortable in my home???
Maybe I’m onto something here! * grins *
When Placemats are profound
One of the things that I like most about God is that He is flexible in how He approaches us. For example: I am stubborn and hard-headed - I KNOW total shocker! - and yet God seems to find a way to get through to me as long as I am listening. Sometimes though, I stop listening. I think that I am listening and praying but what I really am doing is pouting and whining. And lately I have been doing a lot more than usual!
I been wrestling with God about a lot of different things ( see previous posts) , one of the main things I have been wrestling with is the fact that I am not seeing hopes and dreams fulfilled. A prime example of this is my state of singleness. It is no secret that I would like to be married. So often I have looked at my life and said "what more do I need to do?" And there are no answers. My heart says that He has the timing, my mind asks when. My heart says "He knows the desires of my heart" ; my mind says "am I good enough, or has God forgotten me?" I had begun to list to God all the ways that I felt He had failed me. I remembered all the prayers that seemed to go unanswered.
In the middle of all this there was a party for my birthday!! An amazing woman named Nel passed me a card that said a gift was in the construction phase and that I would be recieving it soon. What a blessing! Someone was making something FOR me!
Time passed, and the curiosity built, and others who also knew her would see my gift in process and drop little remarks to me about how beautiful and amazing it all was. I didn't ask, I didn't push, and each time Nel mentioned the gift, I would smile and say that anticipation increases the enjoyment! It would cross my mind occasionally as I tried to imagine what it was that was being delayed by "technical dificulties"!
And then it happened! Nel approached me and said that the day was coming soon, it would be 10 days! All the waiting would be over! 10 days later....... nothing........ another week went by ..... nothing. Each time knew I would be seeing her my hopes raised a little.
Meanwhile in completely unrelated events, I kept whining. I kept harrassing God and whoever else would listen that I was tired of waiting to see the deepest desires of my heart fulfilled. I didn't have any strength left to continue waiting. It felt like God had never met any of my needs and that I was not welcome at the table of His abundant life. To top everything else off, I remembered the gift. Not asked for, not specified, I didn't even know what was coming my way, but all of a sudden, this gift became the "smoking gun" in my case proving that I had been wronged by God. It felt as though even the insignificant things were not even worth His time for me.
Often in the past God has used everyday moments to illustrate to me profound truths. I suppose in the same way that Jesus talked about seed to farmers and fish to fishermen. I like that God knows me well enough to speak to me in that way. In this case though, I spoke to Him with an everyday parable about my disappointment!
As I walked in to church on Thanksgiving Sunday I saw Nel's husband. He said I should make sure and find his wife! With a smile I went and found her. Inside the beautiful wrapping were STUNNING embroidered placemats for my new home, so beautiful it took my breath away!! I was taken aback at how extraordinary they were, each one so obviously invested in with time and energy. I was blown away that someone would spend all that time crafting something just for me.
And then it happened! Right there within about 1 minute of seeing them for the first time, I heard it. That quiet, smiling- not gloating, - voice of Holy Spirit, saying, "amazing, more than you could have imagined, made with Laura in mind, beyond the scope of your imagination to even dream up much less hope for something so beautiful! What does that sound like??" And of course I knew. God had used those Placemats to remind me that He has all the details worked out for my life and He has the timing!!
Even though they are different than I would have thought I wanted for my kitchen, these placemats are the perfect colour. They are of a design that I don't think I would have liked in concept but LOVE now that I see it. There is a set of 8 with two different designs-if you know me well, you know that is PERFECT for the way I like to decorate!
To top it all off, later that day I remembered some cloth napkins that I had bought a year ago on vacation. I like to have a full set of whatever I am buying, so I bought 8. What I didn't think of though is a table cloth or placemats. I try to use the napkins wherever I can to add a little colour, but on Saturday I said to myself, "I really wish that I had SOMETHING to go with these napkins. I should keep my eyes open for a table cloth or something" Guess what goes with my placemats!
So I am reminded that there is nothing that is out of God's hands and keeping. That if He has taken interest in even the smallest details of my life, then surely the multi-layered perfect fit approach to answering my prayers will translate to the bigger things - like those hopes and dreams...... and a husband!!
Just in time, God has rescued me from myself and provided a much needed injection of strength to run this race in His timing.
For that I say to Him "Thank You".... and I'm sorry for all that other stuff I said!
I been wrestling with God about a lot of different things ( see previous posts) , one of the main things I have been wrestling with is the fact that I am not seeing hopes and dreams fulfilled. A prime example of this is my state of singleness. It is no secret that I would like to be married. So often I have looked at my life and said "what more do I need to do?" And there are no answers. My heart says that He has the timing, my mind asks when. My heart says "He knows the desires of my heart" ; my mind says "am I good enough, or has God forgotten me?" I had begun to list to God all the ways that I felt He had failed me. I remembered all the prayers that seemed to go unanswered.
In the middle of all this there was a party for my birthday!! An amazing woman named Nel passed me a card that said a gift was in the construction phase and that I would be recieving it soon. What a blessing! Someone was making something FOR me!
Time passed, and the curiosity built, and others who also knew her would see my gift in process and drop little remarks to me about how beautiful and amazing it all was. I didn't ask, I didn't push, and each time Nel mentioned the gift, I would smile and say that anticipation increases the enjoyment! It would cross my mind occasionally as I tried to imagine what it was that was being delayed by "technical dificulties"!
And then it happened! Nel approached me and said that the day was coming soon, it would be 10 days! All the waiting would be over! 10 days later....... nothing........ another week went by ..... nothing. Each time knew I would be seeing her my hopes raised a little.
Meanwhile in completely unrelated events, I kept whining. I kept harrassing God and whoever else would listen that I was tired of waiting to see the deepest desires of my heart fulfilled. I didn't have any strength left to continue waiting. It felt like God had never met any of my needs and that I was not welcome at the table of His abundant life. To top everything else off, I remembered the gift. Not asked for, not specified, I didn't even know what was coming my way, but all of a sudden, this gift became the "smoking gun" in my case proving that I had been wronged by God. It felt as though even the insignificant things were not even worth His time for me.
Often in the past God has used everyday moments to illustrate to me profound truths. I suppose in the same way that Jesus talked about seed to farmers and fish to fishermen. I like that God knows me well enough to speak to me in that way. In this case though, I spoke to Him with an everyday parable about my disappointment!
As I walked in to church on Thanksgiving Sunday I saw Nel's husband. He said I should make sure and find his wife! With a smile I went and found her. Inside the beautiful wrapping were STUNNING embroidered placemats for my new home, so beautiful it took my breath away!! I was taken aback at how extraordinary they were, each one so obviously invested in with time and energy. I was blown away that someone would spend all that time crafting something just for me.
And then it happened! Right there within about 1 minute of seeing them for the first time, I heard it. That quiet, smiling- not gloating, - voice of Holy Spirit, saying, "amazing, more than you could have imagined, made with Laura in mind, beyond the scope of your imagination to even dream up much less hope for something so beautiful! What does that sound like??" And of course I knew. God had used those Placemats to remind me that He has all the details worked out for my life and He has the timing!!
Even though they are different than I would have thought I wanted for my kitchen, these placemats are the perfect colour. They are of a design that I don't think I would have liked in concept but LOVE now that I see it. There is a set of 8 with two different designs-if you know me well, you know that is PERFECT for the way I like to decorate!
To top it all off, later that day I remembered some cloth napkins that I had bought a year ago on vacation. I like to have a full set of whatever I am buying, so I bought 8. What I didn't think of though is a table cloth or placemats. I try to use the napkins wherever I can to add a little colour, but on Saturday I said to myself, "I really wish that I had SOMETHING to go with these napkins. I should keep my eyes open for a table cloth or something" Guess what goes with my placemats!
So I am reminded that there is nothing that is out of God's hands and keeping. That if He has taken interest in even the smallest details of my life, then surely the multi-layered perfect fit approach to answering my prayers will translate to the bigger things - like those hopes and dreams...... and a husband!!
Just in time, God has rescued me from myself and provided a much needed injection of strength to run this race in His timing.
For that I say to Him "Thank You".... and I'm sorry for all that other stuff I said!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
A BIG shout-out
For those of you who are frequent readers-lori!- over the next few days you might notice some changes.
My FAVOURITE techie-chick Amanda is tweaking the look and "feel" of the interface.
Please bear with me. You might want to check back often just to see the changes :-)
For those who don't know Amanda, she is AMAZING!!!!!!!
Check out her website at www.logikal.ca TOTALLY talented!
My FAVOURITE techie-chick Amanda is tweaking the look and "feel" of the interface.
Please bear with me. You might want to check back often just to see the changes :-)
For those who don't know Amanda, she is AMAZING!!!!!!!
Check out her website at www.logikal.ca TOTALLY talented!
Monday, October 09, 2006
Angelic Escort!
Before anything else happens, I need to tell you about a GREAT blog I found
http://threebeautifulthings.blogspot.com/ I love it!
Go there later!
What a difference a day makes!
In the midst of a hard time, God has once again proven His faithfulness!
All day long there were life lessons all around me. Moment by moment, God was not so subtley reminding me that He alone is sovereign and more importantly that He is invested in my well-being. Family, friends, kids, gifts, time and food, there was no mistaking His presence.
I will try and get to them all, but for now, I need to tell you about the end of today!
My story starts in the country. My father and step-mother live on a beautiful lake far away from the sights and sounds -and lights- of the city. There are no streetlights, and it is dark, the kind of dark that you only experience when camping.
Having had a amazing dinner and lots of laughs, it was later than I expected to leave. The drive home is about 45 minutes. Not being a nervous or timid driver, I knew I would be OK even though I was a little tired. I had a plan for staying awake! I took with me: some pop for the sugar, a bottle of water (providing just enough fluids to make me uncomfortable enough to stay awake), and the totally necessary MP3 player with my 259 favourite songs. So I was all set!! My father walked me to the car with his flashlight and off I went with "drive carefully and watch out for animals" echoing in my ears.
Here's where it gets interesting. The first 15 mintues is along dark, twisty narrow country roads with very few houses and the woods on both sides- I should mention that since hearing a certain scary campfire story, the woods at night gives me mild panic attacks! Along this road there are no street lights , and my father just moved there, it is not a trip that I have taking a lot. Oh and I forgot my cell phone at home! As I pulled away from the house, I took a deep breath and ventured into the darkness
I turned up the radio, opened the Coke and focused on the long grass beside the road willing all the cute little woodland creatures away from my tires! All was going well when..... silence........ that 3/4 full MP3 battery died! I thought I had an extra battery in my purse, so I pulled over and put on my 4-ways.
At that moment I was feeling about as vulnerable as I ever have. Here I was surrounded by darkness, in unfamilliar territory, knowing that an essential part of my plan had failed.
Being a tall woman (5'10") it is not very often that I feel physically vulnerable. In fact most of the time I am with smaller people and it feels like they look to me for strength. I have on occasion even placed myself between a smaller friend and a bigger man who might be an annoyance or pest. But there I sat, in my car in the dark, woods all around feeling completly ALONE. If I had been in the middle of the desert, ocean or deep space, I couldn't have felt more isolated!
I wasn't stopped for more than 30 seconds when I saw headlights in my rearview mirror. a HUGE white Excursion came alongside my car paused, determined I wasn't needing help, and then continued.
With the MP3 battery changed, I started up again. This time the lights of the truck were ahead of me. Those glowing red lights changed my whole perpective! To know that this massive truck was ahead meant that the threat of animals jumping in front of my car was lessened, I could see more of the road, and I knew that if needed help was close. What a difference it made! To be lead by a stronger and bigger vehicle! Then a crazy thought popped into my head- now don't laugh- I wondered if they were angels! I knew that even if they weren't angels, they were still sent from God.
We continued out to the main highway. Now even though this is a highway, it is still in the middle of nowhere, no lights and about 20 minutes from the nearest town. My angel truck was travelling in the same direction.
As soon and I turned onto the highway I noticed that there was another truck behind me. So here we were 3 vehicles, in the country travelling close enough to be a caravan. As I drove I realized that I felt EVEN SAFER with a car behind me than I had with the car ahead!! Again as a single girl, sometimes I forget what it feels like when someone has your back!
Along we drove, me in the middle and 2 trucks full of angels ahead and behind!!! In the space of about 6 minutes I had gone from scared, nervous, white-knuckled driver alone on the planet, to relaxed, escorted royalty!! What a feeling!!!
As we neared town with the comforting glow of streetlights and Tim Hortons, the truck a head of me turned off. But that was OK since I had driven the next stretch of road many times. The truck behind me stayed right with me. When I passed a car, it would pass. When I slowed it would slow, even though he had many opportunities to pass me, he didn't budge. It felt as though I had a bodyguard, and knowing I was protected, gave me the courage to lead the pack!!
Were there angels in those trucks? I don't know. What I DO know though, is that God is concerned enough about me that if I needed them, He is ABLE and more importantly WILLING to protect and lead me out of any situation!! By the way... if He is willing to do it for me He is DEFINATLY willing to do it for you too!
http://threebeautifulthings.blogspot.com/ I love it!
Go there later!
What a difference a day makes!
In the midst of a hard time, God has once again proven His faithfulness!
All day long there were life lessons all around me. Moment by moment, God was not so subtley reminding me that He alone is sovereign and more importantly that He is invested in my well-being. Family, friends, kids, gifts, time and food, there was no mistaking His presence.
I will try and get to them all, but for now, I need to tell you about the end of today!
My story starts in the country. My father and step-mother live on a beautiful lake far away from the sights and sounds -and lights- of the city. There are no streetlights, and it is dark, the kind of dark that you only experience when camping.
Having had a amazing dinner and lots of laughs, it was later than I expected to leave. The drive home is about 45 minutes. Not being a nervous or timid driver, I knew I would be OK even though I was a little tired. I had a plan for staying awake! I took with me: some pop for the sugar, a bottle of water (providing just enough fluids to make me uncomfortable enough to stay awake), and the totally necessary MP3 player with my 259 favourite songs. So I was all set!! My father walked me to the car with his flashlight and off I went with "drive carefully and watch out for animals" echoing in my ears.
Here's where it gets interesting. The first 15 mintues is along dark, twisty narrow country roads with very few houses and the woods on both sides- I should mention that since hearing a certain scary campfire story, the woods at night gives me mild panic attacks! Along this road there are no street lights , and my father just moved there, it is not a trip that I have taking a lot. Oh and I forgot my cell phone at home! As I pulled away from the house, I took a deep breath and ventured into the darkness
I turned up the radio, opened the Coke and focused on the long grass beside the road willing all the cute little woodland creatures away from my tires! All was going well when..... silence........ that 3/4 full MP3 battery died! I thought I had an extra battery in my purse, so I pulled over and put on my 4-ways.
At that moment I was feeling about as vulnerable as I ever have. Here I was surrounded by darkness, in unfamilliar territory, knowing that an essential part of my plan had failed.
Being a tall woman (5'10") it is not very often that I feel physically vulnerable. In fact most of the time I am with smaller people and it feels like they look to me for strength. I have on occasion even placed myself between a smaller friend and a bigger man who might be an annoyance or pest. But there I sat, in my car in the dark, woods all around feeling completly ALONE. If I had been in the middle of the desert, ocean or deep space, I couldn't have felt more isolated!
I wasn't stopped for more than 30 seconds when I saw headlights in my rearview mirror. a HUGE white Excursion came alongside my car paused, determined I wasn't needing help, and then continued.
With the MP3 battery changed, I started up again. This time the lights of the truck were ahead of me. Those glowing red lights changed my whole perpective! To know that this massive truck was ahead meant that the threat of animals jumping in front of my car was lessened, I could see more of the road, and I knew that if needed help was close. What a difference it made! To be lead by a stronger and bigger vehicle! Then a crazy thought popped into my head- now don't laugh- I wondered if they were angels! I knew that even if they weren't angels, they were still sent from God.
We continued out to the main highway. Now even though this is a highway, it is still in the middle of nowhere, no lights and about 20 minutes from the nearest town. My angel truck was travelling in the same direction.
As soon and I turned onto the highway I noticed that there was another truck behind me. So here we were 3 vehicles, in the country travelling close enough to be a caravan. As I drove I realized that I felt EVEN SAFER with a car behind me than I had with the car ahead!! Again as a single girl, sometimes I forget what it feels like when someone has your back!
Along we drove, me in the middle and 2 trucks full of angels ahead and behind!!! In the space of about 6 minutes I had gone from scared, nervous, white-knuckled driver alone on the planet, to relaxed, escorted royalty!! What a feeling!!!
As we neared town with the comforting glow of streetlights and Tim Hortons, the truck a head of me turned off. But that was OK since I had driven the next stretch of road many times. The truck behind me stayed right with me. When I passed a car, it would pass. When I slowed it would slow, even though he had many opportunities to pass me, he didn't budge. It felt as though I had a bodyguard, and knowing I was protected, gave me the courage to lead the pack!!
Were there angels in those trucks? I don't know. What I DO know though, is that God is concerned enough about me that if I needed them, He is ABLE and more importantly WILLING to protect and lead me out of any situation!! By the way... if He is willing to do it for me He is DEFINATLY willing to do it for you too!
Saturday, October 07, 2006
With Thanksgiving!
Today I was cleaning and baking in preparation for Thanksgiving, and listening to Casting Crowns, there is amazing song called Stained Glass Masquarade.
It speaks about leaving behind all the masks that we wear!
I love it check it out.
It speaks about leaving behind all the masks that we wear!
I love it check it out.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Thank you...... but
This is my favourite time of year, the leaves are changing, the sun sits low in the sky, the warm and cozy sweaters come out of their hiding places and it is Thanksgiving!! What a glorious season to see the majesty and beauty of God!
I was thinking this morning about what I am thankful for, and even though I am so blessed, sometimes being thankful is difficult.
My relationship with God is going through a metamorphisis and I don't always know which way is up! My emotions are all over the place and I am learning things about myself, my God and His world that I didn't know before. But what I am learning most is that feeling the hard stuff sucks! I don't like it, I am so used to putting on a happy face and "funning" my way through the tough times that this feeling stuff is confusing and scary and I HATE IT! Yet I know that this is a process, and that part of the process is "processing" the feelings. What was I saying??? Oh right!!! Thankfulness!
Through this process my friend Nicolle gave me some good, spritual, "I love you so I have to say this" advice. While the words she said were painful to hear, it was more like surgery pain than injury pain, and our friendship is strong enough that I was able to stand and listen and actually HEAR what she had to say. Her message wasthis: I need to find gratitude for God. That despite the frustrations etc, to remember to be grateful.
The word gratitude is one that has come to be popular in recent years. When Nicolle mentioned it I immediately thought of Oprah and her gratitude journal, and the popular slogan "have an attitude of gratitude". There is a sense of choice and intentionality to gratitude, like it is something that can and should be practised. As I meditated on the word gratitude and what it did to my heart I realized that in my life there is a cost associated with gratitude.
Here's why: as kids, if we didn't behave well, or if our response to a request for assistance with housework was slow, my mother would chide us for being "ungrateful". Now, let's not kid ourselves, I was very likely a very ungratful child- most of us were! I had an overworked, underappreciated mother who just did her very best to make the most of challenges that I am sure she didn't want or anticipate when she signed on as "wife and mother". When the word gratitude was used, it was in a context that something was owing. I felt as though through my mere existence, I asked for something I didn't derserve or earn and that the debt was reduced only slightly by my "gratitude" credits.
So as I focussed on being grateful, I started to feel that indebtedness, that weight, that sense of obligation that said "you have so much, who are you to expect more" - which brings us back to the core question that I have been wrestling with for about 6 months.
It is that idea of being grateful for salvation and yet acknowleging that God promises more than just a "get out of hell free card". We are adopted sons and daughters, promised good things. God can provide since He "owns the cattle on a thousand hillsides" and He earnestly wants to "give us the desires of our hearts" and yet.......
Here I am single, when I want to be married with kids
Working in a job that doesn't fulfill me
Frustrated that I cannot do more for God
Desperate to make an impact for the kingdom, but living in what seems to be the shadows of disappointment and unfulfillment.
These are my desperate desires all for God's glory-they are not even selfish dreams. And it seems like the heavens are brass, closed to me.
So today, where I am right now, it feels as though gratitude means that I accept that those dreams are more than I deserve or are entitled to through the Blood of Christ; that if I am truly grateful, I must accept my place and plight, and just shut up and stop whining!
On so many levels (intellectually, and doctrinally) I know that it is not the truth, but it is how I feel. So here I sit. I know the wonderful ways that God has blessed me, I know that He does have a plan and a purpose for me. This will work itself out because I serve an amazing Father who isn't insecure in the light of my questions, and He is patient with me as I learn more about Him and myself in this process.
What is keeping me on this road is the knowledge that at the end of this, is light and hope, and most importantly, a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him. For now though all I can muster is:
THANK YOU!
I was thinking this morning about what I am thankful for, and even though I am so blessed, sometimes being thankful is difficult.
My relationship with God is going through a metamorphisis and I don't always know which way is up! My emotions are all over the place and I am learning things about myself, my God and His world that I didn't know before. But what I am learning most is that feeling the hard stuff sucks! I don't like it, I am so used to putting on a happy face and "funning" my way through the tough times that this feeling stuff is confusing and scary and I HATE IT! Yet I know that this is a process, and that part of the process is "processing" the feelings. What was I saying??? Oh right!!! Thankfulness!
Through this process my friend Nicolle gave me some good, spritual, "I love you so I have to say this" advice. While the words she said were painful to hear, it was more like surgery pain than injury pain, and our friendship is strong enough that I was able to stand and listen and actually HEAR what she had to say. Her message wasthis: I need to find gratitude for God. That despite the frustrations etc, to remember to be grateful.
The word gratitude is one that has come to be popular in recent years. When Nicolle mentioned it I immediately thought of Oprah and her gratitude journal, and the popular slogan "have an attitude of gratitude". There is a sense of choice and intentionality to gratitude, like it is something that can and should be practised. As I meditated on the word gratitude and what it did to my heart I realized that in my life there is a cost associated with gratitude.
Here's why: as kids, if we didn't behave well, or if our response to a request for assistance with housework was slow, my mother would chide us for being "ungrateful". Now, let's not kid ourselves, I was very likely a very ungratful child- most of us were! I had an overworked, underappreciated mother who just did her very best to make the most of challenges that I am sure she didn't want or anticipate when she signed on as "wife and mother". When the word gratitude was used, it was in a context that something was owing. I felt as though through my mere existence, I asked for something I didn't derserve or earn and that the debt was reduced only slightly by my "gratitude" credits.
So as I focussed on being grateful, I started to feel that indebtedness, that weight, that sense of obligation that said "you have so much, who are you to expect more" - which brings us back to the core question that I have been wrestling with for about 6 months.
It is that idea of being grateful for salvation and yet acknowleging that God promises more than just a "get out of hell free card". We are adopted sons and daughters, promised good things. God can provide since He "owns the cattle on a thousand hillsides" and He earnestly wants to "give us the desires of our hearts" and yet.......
Here I am single, when I want to be married with kids
Working in a job that doesn't fulfill me
Frustrated that I cannot do more for God
Desperate to make an impact for the kingdom, but living in what seems to be the shadows of disappointment and unfulfillment.
These are my desperate desires all for God's glory-they are not even selfish dreams. And it seems like the heavens are brass, closed to me.
So today, where I am right now, it feels as though gratitude means that I accept that those dreams are more than I deserve or are entitled to through the Blood of Christ; that if I am truly grateful, I must accept my place and plight, and just shut up and stop whining!
On so many levels (intellectually, and doctrinally) I know that it is not the truth, but it is how I feel. So here I sit. I know the wonderful ways that God has blessed me, I know that He does have a plan and a purpose for me. This will work itself out because I serve an amazing Father who isn't insecure in the light of my questions, and He is patient with me as I learn more about Him and myself in this process.
What is keeping me on this road is the knowledge that at the end of this, is light and hope, and most importantly, a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him. For now though all I can muster is:
THANK YOU!
Thursday, October 05, 2006
What keeps me going!
I sat down to write about something completely different! But this is what came out!
It was a dificult day today, I just am dealing with some stuff, it is part of that journey I alluded to in "Journeys". Ultimately it comes down to a trust in God's oversight and leading in my life.
When things don't make a lot of sense I have found that I need to remind myself of the goodness of God. I think it is the same with anyone, catch me most times, and ask me how God is good to me, and the list is so long you might be late for something! However there are THOSE moments, when despite all logical evidence to the contrary it absolutely feels like God has forgotten about me, that there is almost nothing to brag on God about! Now keep in mind I didn't say that God HAD forgotten about me, just that it FEELS like it!
I have to sometimes physically stop and intentionally acknowledge the way that I FEEL is different than the reality. Almost an excercise in convincing me of what I already know. Many of you may have had moments like this in dealing with your kids! Does this sound familliar? "I love these kids and I cannot leave them here at the shopping mall regardless of how many times they have asked for ice cream! I Love them". Or at work :"This is a good job, it pays the bills, you, Laura, cannot quit, the next phone call will be better". We do this in a lot of areas, and I am having to literally train myself to be grateful and to remember that God really is good, and what I am feeling in the moment is truly just that -a MOMENT!
There is a song that I have come to LOVE. It reminds me to breathe - sometimes I forget!!
the song is called CLOSER:
The sun should be halfway to China by now // The big lazy moon, well it's barely off of the ground // I'm on top of the world but my world is upside down // And all I have is you // Come closer, closer than ever// So close to me // Come closer, closer than ever // when I have you I have all I need // They all expect me to have some great words to say // I'm searching for answers // but I'm finding none today // There is no reason , you know, there is no Rhyme // All I have is you // All I need is all I have // All I have is all I need // All I need is all I have // All I have is all I need is // All I have is all I need is you // You are all I have and everything I need //
Warren Barfield is an amazing artist whose album I "stumbled" across in a Christian bookstore.
(See www.warrenbarfield.com)
It was a dificult day today, I just am dealing with some stuff, it is part of that journey I alluded to in "Journeys". Ultimately it comes down to a trust in God's oversight and leading in my life.
When things don't make a lot of sense I have found that I need to remind myself of the goodness of God. I think it is the same with anyone, catch me most times, and ask me how God is good to me, and the list is so long you might be late for something! However there are THOSE moments, when despite all logical evidence to the contrary it absolutely feels like God has forgotten about me, that there is almost nothing to brag on God about! Now keep in mind I didn't say that God HAD forgotten about me, just that it FEELS like it!
I have to sometimes physically stop and intentionally acknowledge the way that I FEEL is different than the reality. Almost an excercise in convincing me of what I already know. Many of you may have had moments like this in dealing with your kids! Does this sound familliar? "I love these kids and I cannot leave them here at the shopping mall regardless of how many times they have asked for ice cream! I Love them". Or at work :"This is a good job, it pays the bills, you, Laura, cannot quit, the next phone call will be better". We do this in a lot of areas, and I am having to literally train myself to be grateful and to remember that God really is good, and what I am feeling in the moment is truly just that -a MOMENT!
There is a song that I have come to LOVE. It reminds me to breathe - sometimes I forget!!
the song is called CLOSER:
The sun should be halfway to China by now // The big lazy moon, well it's barely off of the ground // I'm on top of the world but my world is upside down // And all I have is you // Come closer, closer than ever// So close to me // Come closer, closer than ever // when I have you I have all I need // They all expect me to have some great words to say // I'm searching for answers // but I'm finding none today // There is no reason , you know, there is no Rhyme // All I have is you // All I need is all I have // All I have is all I need // All I need is all I have // All I have is all I need is // All I have is all I need is you // You are all I have and everything I need //
Warren Barfield is an amazing artist whose album I "stumbled" across in a Christian bookstore.
(See www.warrenbarfield.com)
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
What else do I need to know??
As a single woman and first-time homeowner the question "what else do I need to know?" has become my most valuable asset. Anytime I am dealing with a subject I am not familliar with , when I realize that I don't know what I don't know, that is the question that I ask. It is my hope that in asking this question that the person who knows more than I do will give me the information that I need.
Life is complex, we need to have knowledge about natural-gas delivery & billing options, and have a master's degree in deciphering shady cellphone bills!It feels like the whole world is a minefield requiring expertise in more areas than any one person could ever master! It's a "buyer beware"- the customer ISN'T always right- world that can be so intimidating to navigate that the natural response is to take a "head in the sand" approach. Sometimes I think that I am going to lose my mind if I have to deal with one more automated voice system!!!
There are occasions where I also want to scream at God and ask :
What else do I need to know??
Will another friend miscarry a child? Will one of my parents die suddenly? Will someone I love? Will I ever see the fulfillment on my most earnest hopes and dreams? As we both know, it never is quite that Simple! There will always be trajedy, pain, "surprises" and cell phone bills. Would it really be better to know? Would I really want to know if I am to stay single forever? Would I really like to know the road ahead?
I have been so moved this week by the events of the Amish School shooting. If they had asked of God one week ago, "what else do I need to know?" -would they have wanted the answer? Would their faith have sustained them?
It is tragic and horrific and I don't know how anyone can survive the attack of young girls - the next generation of mothers and wives. In all of the responses that I have seen they are seeking the comfort in the presence of one another. They are leaning on God and the strength of their faith. There is a peace that surrounds members of the Amish Community, you can see from all the pictures, even before this happened that there is a sense of Belonging, one that goes beyond just the clothes.
One of the biggest challenges as a Christian Single tends to be the feeling of being alone in a crowd. Not knowing sometimes where to turn to get accurate and reliable advice. I almost envy them their quiet lives, living in simplicity and FAITH. Not sharing core values with those I spend all day with means that even the WAY I make decisions is different than everyone around me! So I work to remind myself that GOD is enough!
I often question God and complain that I don't know what is to come. Perhaps though, the kindest thing God can do for us is to NOT answer that question!
Life is complex, we need to have knowledge about natural-gas delivery & billing options, and have a master's degree in deciphering shady cellphone bills!It feels like the whole world is a minefield requiring expertise in more areas than any one person could ever master! It's a "buyer beware"- the customer ISN'T always right- world that can be so intimidating to navigate that the natural response is to take a "head in the sand" approach. Sometimes I think that I am going to lose my mind if I have to deal with one more automated voice system!!!
There are occasions where I also want to scream at God and ask :
What else do I need to know??
Will another friend miscarry a child? Will one of my parents die suddenly? Will someone I love? Will I ever see the fulfillment on my most earnest hopes and dreams? As we both know, it never is quite that Simple! There will always be trajedy, pain, "surprises" and cell phone bills. Would it really be better to know? Would I really want to know if I am to stay single forever? Would I really like to know the road ahead?
I have been so moved this week by the events of the Amish School shooting. If they had asked of God one week ago, "what else do I need to know?" -would they have wanted the answer? Would their faith have sustained them?
It is tragic and horrific and I don't know how anyone can survive the attack of young girls - the next generation of mothers and wives. In all of the responses that I have seen they are seeking the comfort in the presence of one another. They are leaning on God and the strength of their faith. There is a peace that surrounds members of the Amish Community, you can see from all the pictures, even before this happened that there is a sense of Belonging, one that goes beyond just the clothes.
One of the biggest challenges as a Christian Single tends to be the feeling of being alone in a crowd. Not knowing sometimes where to turn to get accurate and reliable advice. I almost envy them their quiet lives, living in simplicity and FAITH. Not sharing core values with those I spend all day with means that even the WAY I make decisions is different than everyone around me! So I work to remind myself that GOD is enough!
I often question God and complain that I don't know what is to come. Perhaps though, the kindest thing God can do for us is to NOT answer that question!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
The Gift must pale in comparison to the giver…
What is it about gifts? They carry so much impact. We beg for them from God, we hope for them on our birthdays and expect them at Christmastime.
Gifts are a huge part of our lives, they are a delicate thing- and are dependant on so many factors. We think that the gift is what is wrapped in beautiful paper and accompanied by a card-which of course has to be read first- when in fact the actual gift is the heart behind the thought.
The saying that “it’s the thought that counts” should actually read “ it is the heart behind the thought that counts”. It is our desire to be KNOWN. When someone knows you well enough to give you a great-thoughtful gift, it reinforces the value of you as a person and signifies the return on an investment that you have made in someone’s life.
A few years ago, a friend of mine was tight financially, and sought to give the most amazing gifts she could hand-make or buy at the dollar store. Having come from a family where the price of the gift was almost more important than the gift itself, it took me a while to understand the full extent of the significance of these dollar store gifts that I was receiving. However, knowing the tight financial spot that this dear friend was in, I would put on a happy face and say my thank-yous in the way that we all have learned from very young having had to deal with grandparent’s gifts that were just a little out of touch! But then one day, out of the blue, this friend mentioned that she was compiling a list of all the things she would buy me if she could. Knowing what a generous and kind-hearted person she is, this piqued my interest. Curious, I asked “Oh yeah, what would you buy me if you could?” She thought for a moment…. Then listed off about 10 things that while not expensive or extravagant, were proof that my friend had taken the time to hear my heart and to take note of the details of my life. In that moment, she gave me the best gift one friend could give another….. to be known.
After 25 years of wishing for tenderness and getting shiny gifts, of hoping for my father’s time and attention, and getting the latest gadget, after too many Christmases and birthdays full of hopes destroyed, I realized that it didn’t matter what was in the box. THIS was what I had been hoping for!! That year, what I wanted more than anything from this friend, was another list of “If I had a million dollars” gifts.
It has been a life lesson to know that the heart behind the gift is much more important than the gift itself. A gift is a poor substitute for relationship.
It MUST be the same way in our lives with God. I know that He loves to give good gifts to his children, and we are so blessed by Him.
Kids are so much smarter than we are! Every parent around me-and there are many- has at one time or another bemoaned the fact that their child is much more interested in the box the gift came in than the gift itself. It doesn’t matter that the gift that was inside was the last on the shelf and you had to kick an old lady to get it! They just want to play in the box.
It breaks my heart though to think I would allow a gift from God to distract me from His love and heart. I want so much to be the type of person who can receive the gifts of God and thank Him and then set aside that gift and take the time to gaze into His eyes, to lean against His shoulder and draw life from the place of being Known by Him.
Oh GOD, that your gifts would always pale in comparison to who you are and that my heart and my eyes would not be dazzled and distracted by the trappings and glitter. Capture my heart with the truth of who you are that you know me and you know what I want and need even more than I do.
Gifts are a huge part of our lives, they are a delicate thing- and are dependant on so many factors. We think that the gift is what is wrapped in beautiful paper and accompanied by a card-which of course has to be read first- when in fact the actual gift is the heart behind the thought.
The saying that “it’s the thought that counts” should actually read “ it is the heart behind the thought that counts”. It is our desire to be KNOWN. When someone knows you well enough to give you a great-thoughtful gift, it reinforces the value of you as a person and signifies the return on an investment that you have made in someone’s life.
A few years ago, a friend of mine was tight financially, and sought to give the most amazing gifts she could hand-make or buy at the dollar store. Having come from a family where the price of the gift was almost more important than the gift itself, it took me a while to understand the full extent of the significance of these dollar store gifts that I was receiving. However, knowing the tight financial spot that this dear friend was in, I would put on a happy face and say my thank-yous in the way that we all have learned from very young having had to deal with grandparent’s gifts that were just a little out of touch! But then one day, out of the blue, this friend mentioned that she was compiling a list of all the things she would buy me if she could. Knowing what a generous and kind-hearted person she is, this piqued my interest. Curious, I asked “Oh yeah, what would you buy me if you could?” She thought for a moment…. Then listed off about 10 things that while not expensive or extravagant, were proof that my friend had taken the time to hear my heart and to take note of the details of my life. In that moment, she gave me the best gift one friend could give another….. to be known.
After 25 years of wishing for tenderness and getting shiny gifts, of hoping for my father’s time and attention, and getting the latest gadget, after too many Christmases and birthdays full of hopes destroyed, I realized that it didn’t matter what was in the box. THIS was what I had been hoping for!! That year, what I wanted more than anything from this friend, was another list of “If I had a million dollars” gifts.
It has been a life lesson to know that the heart behind the gift is much more important than the gift itself. A gift is a poor substitute for relationship.
It MUST be the same way in our lives with God. I know that He loves to give good gifts to his children, and we are so blessed by Him.
Kids are so much smarter than we are! Every parent around me-and there are many- has at one time or another bemoaned the fact that their child is much more interested in the box the gift came in than the gift itself. It doesn’t matter that the gift that was inside was the last on the shelf and you had to kick an old lady to get it! They just want to play in the box.
It breaks my heart though to think I would allow a gift from God to distract me from His love and heart. I want so much to be the type of person who can receive the gifts of God and thank Him and then set aside that gift and take the time to gaze into His eyes, to lean against His shoulder and draw life from the place of being Known by Him.
Oh GOD, that your gifts would always pale in comparison to who you are and that my heart and my eyes would not be dazzled and distracted by the trappings and glitter. Capture my heart with the truth of who you are that you know me and you know what I want and need even more than I do.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Journeys
It is funny that we refer to our day to day walk with God as a journey. It almost seems a little mundane for what a relationship with God is alll about. Or is it?
Often we set out on a course towards a specific destination, then when we get lost or misdirected the word "journey" gets pulled out. "What is more important, the journey, or the destination?" we ask each other and ourselves as a mechanism for not losing our cool in a frustrating situation. A "journey" happens when things take longer than anticipated, or don't quite work out the way we thought it would.
Dictionary.com defines JOURNEY as:
a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time
and
passage or progress from one stage to another
Isn't that EXACTLY what a lfe with Christ is all about?
Depending on where our journey has taken us, we can grit our teeth and talk about the "journey" and intend it the first way, or we smile and rejoice in the progress we are making.
Recently, I have been on the "Grit-my-teeth-usually-taking-a-rather-long-time-hijacked agenda" type of journey recently. One that requires an intentional decision to mark my progress.
Just the fact that I can sit back and even identify that this is part of the journey, I think is evidence of progress!
I recently earned the "coolest aunt ever" award when I fished a go-cart out of a dumpster, cleaned it up, gave it new paint job, replaced the steering wheel, and presented it to my 3 year-old Nephew! As I presented it to him, I let his father know that I still had some leftover paint so that if they wanted to they could touch it up when there were scratches and dents. The dad's response was amazing, and showed me that he treasure
d his son. He said "No WAY! Now that there is a fresh coat of paint on it, every new scratch has a story! Who would want to cover that up??"
Admit it.. you wanna hear THIS story!
Often we set out on a course towards a specific destination, then when we get lost or misdirected the word "journey" gets pulled out. "What is more important, the journey, or the destination?" we ask each other and ourselves as a mechanism for not losing our cool in a frustrating situation. A "journey" happens when things take longer than anticipated, or don't quite work out the way we thought it would.
Dictionary.com defines JOURNEY as:
a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time
and
passage or progress from one stage to another
Isn't that EXACTLY what a lfe with Christ is all about?
Depending on where our journey has taken us, we can grit our teeth and talk about the "journey" and intend it the first way, or we smile and rejoice in the progress we are making.
Recently, I have been on the "Grit-my-teeth-usually-taking-a-rather-long-time-hijacked agenda" type of journey recently. One that requires an intentional decision to mark my progress.
Just the fact that I can sit back and even identify that this is part of the journey, I think is evidence of progress!
I recently earned the "coolest aunt ever" award when I fished a go-cart out of a dumpster, cleaned it up, gave it new paint job, replaced the steering wheel, and presented it to my 3 year-old Nephew! As I presented it to him, I let his father know that I still had some leftover paint so that if they wanted to they could touch it up when there were scratches and dents. The dad's response was amazing, and showed me that he treasure
d his son. He said "No WAY! Now that there is a fresh coat of paint on it, every new scratch has a story! Who would want to cover that up??"
Admit it.. you wanna hear THIS story!
It made me think that so often I am desperate to cover my war wounds, to hide my flaws, when really I should take the opportunity to share those stories that are part of the journey. Whether that journey is "progress" or "taking longer than
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