Thank you...... but

This is my favourite time of year, the leaves are changing, the sun sits low in the sky, the warm and cozy sweaters come out of their hiding places and it is Thanksgiving!! What a glorious season to see the majesty and beauty of God!

I was thinking this morning about what I am thankful for, and even though I am so blessed, sometimes being thankful is difficult.

My relationship with God is going through a metamorphisis and I don't always know which way is up! My emotions are all over the place and I am learning things about myself, my God and His world that I didn't know before. But what I am learning most is that feeling the hard stuff sucks! I don't like it, I am so used to putting on a happy face and "funning" my way through the tough times that this feeling stuff is confusing and scary and I HATE IT! Yet I know that this is a process, and that part of the process is "processing" the feelings. What was I saying??? Oh right!!! Thankfulness!

Through this process my friend Nicolle gave me some good, spritual, "I love you so I have to say this" advice. While the words she said were painful to hear, it was more like surgery pain than injury pain, and our friendship is strong enough that I was able to stand and listen and actually HEAR what she had to say. Her message wasthis: I need to find gratitude for God. That despite the frustrations etc, to remember to be grateful.

The word gratitude is one that has come to be popular in recent years. When Nicolle mentioned it I immediately thought of Oprah and her gratitude journal, and the popular slogan "have an attitude of gratitude". There is a sense of choice and intentionality to gratitude, like it is something that can and should be practised. As I meditated on the word gratitude and what it did to my heart I realized that in my life there is a cost associated with gratitude.

Here's why: as kids, if we didn't behave well, or if our response to a request for assistance with housework was slow, my mother would chide us for being "ungrateful". Now, let's not kid ourselves, I was very likely a very ungratful child- most of us were! I had an overworked, underappreciated mother who just did her very best to make the most of challenges that I am sure she didn't want or anticipate when she signed on as "wife and mother". When the word gratitude was used, it was in a context that something was owing. I felt as though through my mere existence, I asked for something I didn't derserve or earn and that the debt was reduced only slightly by my "gratitude" credits.

So as I focussed on being grateful, I started to feel that indebtedness, that weight, that sense of obligation that said "you have so much, who are you to expect more" - which brings us back to the core question that I have been wrestling with for about 6 months.

It is that idea of being grateful for salvation and yet acknowleging that God promises more than just a "get out of hell free card". We are adopted sons and daughters, promised good things. God can provide since He "owns the cattle on a thousand hillsides" and He earnestly wants to "give us the desires of our hearts" and yet.......

Here I am single, when I want to be married with kids
Working in a job that doesn't fulfill me
Frustrated that I cannot do more for God
Desperate to make an impact for the kingdom, but living in what seems to be the shadows of disappointment and unfulfillment.

These are my desperate desires all for God's glory-they are not even selfish dreams. And it seems like the heavens are brass, closed to me.

So today, where I am right now, it feels as though gratitude means that I accept that those dreams are more than I deserve or are entitled to through the Blood of Christ; that if I am truly grateful, I must accept my place and plight, and just shut up and stop whining!

On so many levels (intellectually, and doctrinally) I know that it is not the truth, but it is how I feel. So here I sit. I know the wonderful ways that God has blessed me, I know that He does have a plan and a purpose for me. This will work itself out because I serve an amazing Father who isn't insecure in the light of my questions, and He is patient with me as I learn more about Him and myself in this process.

What is keeping me on this road is the knowledge that at the end of this, is light and hope, and most importantly, a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him. For now though all I can muster is:

THANK YOU!