Resolving to not Resolve

There is a saying that the one trait you fall in love with someone for is likely the trait that will drive you the most crazy during your life. In this journey of seeking to fall in love with who God made me I am finding this out firsthand!

I suppose it is the same with everyone.... that drive for success and attention to detail can morph into destructive perfectionism, or the carefree adventure seeker can become a nomadic person who never buckles down and actually accomplishes anything lasting. I suspect that you all have a trait about yourself that is both an asset and a liability.

I am a big-ideas person! I love to take a small idea and develop a wide-ranging plan. I can see the pre, during, and post event or situation details that shoud not be overlooked. In my head I immediately start solving the potential roadblocks that could develop and the resources needed to overcome. I can see how a grassroots idea can become a multi-faceted national movement.

I can hear you thinking.........and this is bad... why???

Well, when this skill set is turned inward... it can create havoc.

In past years I have resolved to change my ENTIRE ife... Diet, Excercise, Devotions, Friendships, Housekeeping, Finances-you name it. I can come up with a great plan to spend less time in front of the TV and more time "taming" my flesh. Plans are made-sometime they even include stickers!- and off I go gung ho to see my life turn around.

And then I get out of bed a little late on January 2nd. Too late to take that early morning walk that I have promised myself I will take! But I am OK.... then that afternoon at work, the Chocolate Croissants call out to me at the cafe line. Suddenly with the flash of my credit card that I have resolved not to use, I buy the croissant I have resolved not to eat, and spend money that I have resolved not to spend, I am even further in an excercise deficit- remember, I skipped my morning walk! The croissant is flakey and I get chocolate on my shirt, now I have laundry piling up...... and I have once again, broken a promise to myself, God, and now my devotional time becomes what it too often does.... a time of repenting again and complaining again.

It becomes literally a domino effect. Because I tend to make sweeping multi-faceted plans, a failure in one area results in a catastrophic failure in every area and my whole plan is shot.

I realize that this is a completely overblown response, but I realize it is how I am wired.

This year, the hardest resolution that I will make is to NOT make resolutions. I want to look at this year as a marathon, not a sprint.

My deepest desire this year is to have God be my provider and guide. To stop overthinking everything and just be a Child of the King- but I am not making it my resolution!

Happy New Year

Christmas

I am so excited about this Christmas!!!

I have had to remind myself everyday that is actually is Christmas. The weather here has been..... ODD. I am not complaining. I truly don't mind not slogging through the snow, or having to scrape off my car... again! But it is easy to forget. Despite the trimmings and the shopping .... and the cleaning.

I am hosting Christmas this year. Everyone is coming to me. I have been thinking about this for a couple of months now, and I am excited about the prospect- and a little nervous.
Last month I was sick for a couple of weeks, and so I fell behind in the cleaning department. Also, I have been in my house for almost a year, so there are some things that in all the busyness have been forgotten.... ceiling fan blades, spiderwebs in the occasional corner... normal stuff. There are cupboards whose contents don't make any sense but I haven't needed them for anything else, so I have left stuff where it got shoved during the first few months of unpacking.

With the one year anniversary of my move coming up, I am also finally feeling "settled" in-until recently, I still had a couple of boxes that I would move around as I needed the space they were occupying! I am starting to think a lot about paint colours, and I feel like I "know the place" now. And as I see what I want to change with paint and pillows and perhaps a hammer, I also am beginning to see the flaws.

I suppose it is that way with everything. In the newness of any situation, you don't see the details, and that is good, however the challenge becomes staying content when those flaws start to appear.

I have had to fight the urge to take on major projects in the last month or so, projects that would never be ready for Christmas, but which would make ME look like such a domestic DIVA at Christmas. In keeping with the spirit of this year I have decided to just bite off what I can chew!

I will admit that I have done more cleaning that would be normal, and done a lot of rearranging to make room and to 'clean' my spirit and get ready for the new year.

It got me thinking today, we know that Christmas is coming, we count down the days, deep clean our homes and our spirits- I know you behave in December just in case Santa is peeking!
A new dress, new sparkly earrings, perhaps a pair of strappy sandals, new napkins, special table cloth, new recipes, all to make this special time more beautiful- and so we should!

I wonder, though, what would have happened if the world had known the exact date of Jesus' birth.

Likely the Jewish leaders would have made sure to have the nicest hotel room available - perhaps have a royal physician standing by for the birth. As Jesus grew up he likely would have attended all of the best schools.

If the world had known at the time who He was likely we would have never met the woman at the well, He wouldn't have needed to cross the lake to the other side to get a moment's rest from the crowds, and might never have calmed the waves. He certainly wouldn't have been "allowed" to choose 12 ordinary young men to walk with Him everywhere. Zacheas likely wouldn't have needed to be in a tree because he had the money to buy the front row seats that likely would have been on sale- and so no life changing public calling.

So much of Jesus ministry could not have taken place had "the church" accepted Him as messiah earlier... in fact, they wouldn't have had cause to put Him to death! One of the most amazing things that I have come to appreciate about God is His ability to take us as we are.

So this Christmas season stop for a moment and everytime you see a "flaw" let it remind you that God knows every flaw, and that if we were too "clean" He would have no reason to stick around and guide us day to day!

The Big 40!!!

I just realized that this will be my 40th post! There is a lot of Biblical significance to the number 40. As you know it rained for 40 days and 40 nights in Noah's days, the Isrealites wandered in the wilderness for 40 before reaching the promised land.

This time in my life has been both stormy and like the wilderness. While I would never equate my life with an entire generation dying in the desert after being rescued from slavery, I can see some parallels. This has been a growing time, and a time of frustration while I learn to rely on God and sometimes I forget what He has done even just yesterday to provide for me and take me one step closer for the promised land!!

How easy it is to forget from one day to the next the miraculous things that God does day by day. One of the benefits of Blogging is that it forced me to document those all to easily forgotten moments that occur throughout the day.

It is my desire to always see the God and the good in every situation.

There seems to be a common thread to all of the 40's in the Bible. Coming out of each situation there was a promise from God for massive change and growth and progress, but always carried with it the command of God to not forget to say thank you.

Noah built an altar to the Lord, and the Isrealites built a temple as a lasting reminder that God was in their presence. I will build around myself a lifestyle of thankfulness, and for those times that I forget, a wall of people who will remind me!

This is a milestone, a marked moment in my life. I am believing for a turning point, a reaping of what has been sown over the last years. I can almost see over the horizon........ just one more moment......... just wait, I'll tell you when I see it!!

Events in Contrast

Tonight I had the amazing opportunity to attend a celebration for the best Pastor in the World! Pastor Barry is an amazing man with an amazing Legacy of service, wisdom and laughter. He has been all over the world and touched so many lives. We are truly blessed to follow Christ under his leadership. It is because of his pastoring and vision that I have been accepted and had opportunities that I never thought I would have ever experienced.

Tonight we gathered to celebrate his birthday with some of the most amazing people; Leaders in business, ministry, service, all with 3 things in common: Christ, The Life Centre and Pastor Barry... in that order of priority! We heard messages of congratulations from all over the world, names you would recognize and some that you wouldn't. All spoke of the value of the legacy that is Pastor's life!! We were family in that room all a piece of the tapestry of The Life Centre.

No one outside of the church walls would understand what it meant.

When I compare this event to the one last week where I met our Prime Minister and rubbed shoulders with the "Glitterati" of our fair city, business leaders and policitans local celebrities and "known" faces. The food was on par, the beauty of each event enough to take your breath away. But there was a major difference.

In the air at the Breakfast was the smell of "agenda" and a frenetic need to see and be seen. There was nothing familliar, or famillial about the breakfast.

With all of the influence and money in that room there was nothing that would impact in eternity. Even the gifts and the donations that were given will fall to the wayside when motives of the heart are weighed in. No amount of money could buy the influence that Pastor Barry carries in his humility.

As I sat in the family atmosphere, looking at all the faces and knowing so many stories and seeing so much of what God has done in so many lives, I realized that if I had the opportunity to choose the quiet, steady rise to influence of ministry or the glittering influence that is so surface.... well I guess that is an easy answer.

Goodbye fame and hello legacy.

THAT, I suppose is the best gift I can give to my favourite Pastor!!!

Happy Birthday Pastor Barry!

Photgraphic Proof

As promised, here is the picture....

That is me on the Right

Rubbing Shoulders

I just had the most amazing experience!!
As a thank you for some volunteer work that I did this year I was invited to a major fundraising even for the Ottawa Food Bank. It was a fancy affair, many dignitaries were there and lots of "known" people serving the buffet. I went with some work colleagues who had all contributed throughout the year.

At one point it was announced that the Prime Minister was in the building and we decided that we were going to go and meet him and try to get a picture. As we went over there was the usual security contingent and as we tried to jockey to get close, a woman with a walkie-talkie asked what we were doing. I told her what we wanted, her response was "I don't think that's gonna happen" as if somehow we were not good enough!! Well that just made us more resolved to make it happen!

I turned to get a better position, and out of the corner of my eye I realized that one of the men in my group was standing posed with the Prime Minister!!! I stepped in behind them and got in the picture. Mr Harper was very patient as someone in our group tried to take a picture with a disposable camera! Once, twice three times he tried as we were there, suddenly, an official man with a beautiful camera stepped in and took an OFFICIAL Parliamentary photo!

Before walking away, Mr. Harper stopped, looked me in the eye, asked my name and said "it was nice to meet you Laura".

As soon as I have a copy of the photo, I will post it here!

There is a lesson to be learned here! Seizing an opportunity that is presented can often net a bigger success than you were willing to settle for.

Isn't that just like GOD? I went to the event hoping to see some famous faces, perhaps flirted with a Hockey player or two. I would have been excited to grab a grainy, out of focus, picture as the Prime Minister walked past, and yet here we were POSED for an official photo!

I have been constantly reminded lately through circumstances and situations, that our God is not the God of just enough. He is the God of the ABUNDANT blessings that we cannot even imagine. If we are humble and not presumptuous, He will take what we ask and multiply it!

For you, meeting the PM might not be a big deal, but there is something else that you are wanting. It is good to believe God for enough, but maybe just maybe He has an unforgettable moment in store!

Life Questions

Have you ever had a moment when someone asks you something that hits at the core of your being? That place that remains covered because you are afraid of what COULD be inside? Kind of like that Tupperware container in the back of your fridge!

Well, I had 2 moments like that this week! How good is God that He goes digging when He knows you are ready? Like waiting for a sliver to work its way out so that the pain is bearable. However, like a sliver it can also be uncomfortable for a time.

The first question was posted on Lori's Blog and accompanied by an amazing peom by Leah. The question was "What does God see when He looks at you?"

For some reason when I started to think about the fact that God knows everything about me, I started to panic. For as long as I can remember there was something I felt like I needed to hide about myself. As a family we did a lot of hiding. We hid our discontentment, we hid our dysfunction, and we hid our dislike for one another, because families don't show that stuff to outsiders. A few years ago, I realized that I had carried that into my adult life. There was so much about myself that I felt I needed to keep hidden, things like my insecurities, my fears and my failures. The thing that I feared the most was that someone would find out that I wasn't who I wanted people to think that I was and that they would get to know me and not like what they saw.

I suppose that fear was somewhat logical, in that I knew all about me and I didn't like myself, so why would someone else who has no obligation?

A few years ago that changed dramatically, and has been changing ever since. As God often does when we are finally ready, he allowed circumstances in my life which resulted in me not being able to hide anymore. I was like the Wizard of Oz "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain"... keep believing the charade!! I didn't think that I could survive, and I held my proverbial breath as the world was exposed to the real me; the fearful, insecure, desperate to be loved little girl.

While all this was happening, I was ready to be all alone and unloved after the dust settled. I was prepared to go on with only God and to rebuild from the ground up.

As is often the case, my fear proved to be stronger in it's potential than in the reality. In walking out my challenges, I found a support system that I didn't know existed. And in my transparancey and vulnerability people came to stand beside me, attracted by the authenticity of my life.

In being real for the first time, I think that it created an open door for people to enter and be at rest. No one wants to be in the presence of someone who has it all figured out, but they can connect to the hurt and the pain. In the last five years, I have developed the best friendships I have ever known, I have grown in my family relationships and through the realistic view of myself God has brought me through amazing times of growth. If you had told me then where I would be in my life, I never would have believed you!!

There is still a part of me that wants to hide the imperfection especially from God, all I want is for Him to be proud of me.

I know that He is proud of me. When He looks at me I know that he smiles at my antics, weeps at the lies I believe about myself, and most of all he is excited about what is coming next in my life. I think of God as a parent with a gift that they are excited to give their child. I almost cannot wait for Christmas because I know how much people will love the gifts I give them!!

I know that God sees my generous, giving heart, and the strength of Character. He sees my deep desire to be a woman of integrity and kindness. I think that he sees me for all that I can be. When he looks at me He sees someone who can change the world!

Most of all when He looks at me, He sees His own handprint from the moulding and shaping.

Imperfection vs. Perception

As Christians we often feel the weight of the higher standards that God holds us to. You all know what I mean! Turning the other cheek, making the first move when asking for forgiveness.

If I unintentionally hurt someone's feelings, I feel so bad FOR DAYS.
If I underachieve at work, guilt and questions come to mind about what witness I am leaving with those around me.

I know that God is not that way, that He is slow to anger and he calls us higher for our own good.

There are a couple of natural examples of what I mean. I am looking to adopt a dog. Thousands of people who work full time have perfectly happy and healthy dogs, however EVERY time I talk to the Shelters about my life, I am not a good match for the dog because I work full time and live in a townhouse. Are you kidding me???? These are dogs whose owners have abandoned, abused, neglected them and I am not a good option for a dog owner????

I am also looking to "adopt" a husband! :-) I have often had conversations with people about a specific man I am interested in, and almost without execption eventually it comes to "you are probably physically not what he is looking for" meaning those extra pounds of fellowship and comfort sitting around my hips and waist make me unsuitable!

Now let's get real... although handsome in their own right, NONE of these men that I have been interested in would even be a LONG SHOT to appear on the cover of GQ magazine. WHO are THEY??? It is so frustrating that with all of the other great things about me- things I have worked hard to develop in my life, THIS one item that we are all supposed to be looking beyond, is the ONE reason that disqualifies me somehow. I hear others around me who are mean to their men, or disrespectful and I wonder why do they get to be imperfect and still get married but I can't?

At work it is the same thing. I will be qualified for a job in every area but one small detail, a detail that would be no issue to learn, but somehow THAT is what makes the difference, even though I know that the person who got the job has an issue with integrity.

I am so tired of feeling like any dog or man would have made a concession to be in my life. (I am actually not equating the two of them, I am just dealing with the 2 issues at the same time!) I am frustrated with coming up just a little short it seems all the time- mostly I am frustrated because it seems like the standards for me are higher than for everyone around me.

It is difficult to remember in those moments that God is sovereign and that He has a plan and a purpose, that there is a great dog, man, job for me!! I know that especially with the man, that God is crafting one especially for me and is crafting me for that special one. I know that when the moment is right, God will cause our hearts to be captured with one another and it truly won't matter what either of us looks like!!!

And life gets a little messy!

Leaving Space for God

Today we had an absolutly AMAZING talk at church! Check out lifecentre.org for the download. It was the begining of my favourite season of the whole year- Christmas!

As is his usual style Pastor Jay looked beyond what would be a good and regular sermon about Christmas, and delved deeper. We started by looking at Joseph and the choice that he had to make regarding what his response to Mary's news would be.

What I took from today's talk is making space for God.

If you weren't there, essentially Joseph had, quite nobley, decided that he was going to divorce Mary quietly to protect her as much as he could. Following the decision God spoke to him and the rest- as they say- is history!

I have often experienced frustration and confusion when seeking the Lord for His guidance in life's circumstances. The teaching we hear most of the time is "wait on God for the answers" so it becomes this process of expecting God to speak in OUR timing. There have been situations where a deadline has been looming, I feel as though I haven't heard from God and so I have to pull the trigger and make the decision and "hope for the best". It never has felt like a good or a GOD way to live. The people in the Bible didn't lock themselves in a room waiting for the step by step of how He wanted them to change the world. They simply walked in humility and with ears open to the redirection of God.

I have always believed that God has equipped us with brains and creativity for a reason, and that when we use our giftings in PARTNERSHIP with God's direction that we will ALWAYS find the path to His will.

So I have often had to take a step without "feeling" God's presence but always with the conviction of His directing love and purpose- and MOST importantly, with those open ears to discern if something is not where God wants me to go. I used to think that I was getting lucky with some of my choices and for all the rest that it was up to God to "redeem" them for His good purpose..... you know that scripture"ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord". I always kind of figured that God was getting quite the workout with me running all over the place making decisions that He was going to have to figure out how to "work out for good", but I see with some perspective that distance- and age- bring that God was there all along.

This idea of leaving space for God in between the decision and the action..... it really jives with what I believe about the Character of God and His desire to see us grow and mature, but to always allow His input.

It is nice to know that the further along I am in my walk, the more I realize I am on the right track!

Christmas Time is here

I am one of those obnoxious people who is just waiting for Christmas- counting down the days.
My shopping is almost all done, and my cards are stamped and waiting for a reasonable date to send them out. It is not that I am overly organized, I am just excited about Christmas. I love the music, the family, the gifts (giving more than getting!) and mostly I enjoy the anticipation.

Christmas is not always happy for those around us. So many people have no place to be; by choice or by circumstance. For a time in my life every Christmas was stressful and bittersweet. Mainly it marked the passing of another year as a single person. The only gift my heart desired couldn't be wrapped in paper or tied with ribbon. I allowed what I didn't have to rob me of the experiece I did have, sitting right there in front of me.

It wasn't until I took my eyes off my own situation and looked around that I realized there were those whose lives I could touch quite easily in the Christmas season. Like we recently learned it is the "Upside Down" way of God. If you give you will recieve.

This year I am taking it to a higher level. I have decided to host my family, in their many and varied configurations-seriously I think Middle East peace talks have fewer logistical issues- and just simply give back in all the ways that I have been blessed in the past.

By opening up my home to my family, I get an opportunity to give, and I am finding that this is the first year that my Christmas list of gifts to buy far exceeds my own requests!

This year Christmas is a time for reflection about how full and amazing this year was, and how different my life is compared to this time last year. Who would have believed it???

As you set out on your Christmas shopping this year, wrapping gifts, and cleaning for the endless parade of people who will enjoy and appreciate, just think of how blessed you are to have the ability to do all of those things!

Good News

As a follow up to my previous post: When the Reaction is not the Response, I recieved my test results and all is well!!

God is good, our healthcare system is frustrating, I am relieved!

Full House, Happy House

Last night I had the amazing privilege of being someone's "soft place to fall". A good friend was having difficulty with a couple of situations and chose to entrust me with her questions and concerns. After chatting for a long while, she did something that blessed me more than I can say..... she asked if I minded if she crashed on my couch!!

It has always been my heart to have a home where people feel safe, loved, and completely at ease. That she even asked was indication that I have been successful in that area. We got her all settled on the couch, and arranged the morning bathroom logistics with the roommates. This morning though, there was a different feel to the house. As I got up and got ready, the house felt full of people, not full like tripping all over each other, but just warm full, like you feel after a great dinner with fantastic people. It felt like all was well with the world!! I imagine that is what moms feel when their adult kids are back for a visit.

I am so grateful that inspite of my singleness, that God allows me to flex my maternal muscles and feel the fulfillment that comes from investing in others. It has reminded me that so often we limit God in how we think that He will accomplish what He wants to accomplish in our lives.

There is a deep desire at the core of my being to be a wife and mother, that has never changed. I spent a long time feeling like I was being shortchanged by God. I felt like He was being cruel for making me this way, with the desire for kids and a husband, yet without the husband, no kids, no legacy, no fulfillment, no using my core giftings. In my mind, this meant that I was condemned to an unfulfilled life. I am sure that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way. Felt like their dreams and life's passion hinges on an event or position or situation that they have no input into changing.

But think of that... we ARE talking about God here. He is not cruel, not capricious, nor is He a puppeteer who seeks to mess with our heads and hearts. A good friend asked me a hard but good question, he asked me if perhaps my desire for kids and a husband was actually a desire to invest in and love people. He suggested that perhaps this picture that I had created in my mind about what the fulfillment of my dreams would look like was just my finite mind trying to find a way to paint a picture. He dared to suggest that if I never got married or had kids that I COULD still fulfill the deepest longings of my heart to see my life have impact.

My soul struggled to admit that what he was saying was true as my mind tried desperately to find a loophole in this suggestion that would still guarantee me a wedding!!! It took a moment to quiet the shouting voice in my head that was hanging onto my good dream to realize that perhaps he was right, that God has a Best dream for me.

From that time to today, I have sought to intentionally fulfill the calling of God on my life... to invest and make a difference in people's lives. It is amazing that the more loveI give and the more I invest in others, the more I have to give- AND I get to see my dreams fulfilled in the process.

Does this mean I will never get married? I HOPE NOT!!! I HOPE THAT it comes soon, but I no longer am left to wait with my dreams on hold.

THIS is the abundant life Jesus talks about when He says " I have come to give you Life, and Life more abundantly..... "

If there are dreams in your life that feel conditional on external forces that you have no control of, I encourage you.... take a step back and find the deeper calling, maybe you will be surprised that the answer to your prayers is closer than you thought.

When the reaction is not the response!

They say that anger is a secondary emotion. No one really is angry because they are angry. People get angry as a bi-product of another emotion.

Have you ever gotten angry at someone who cut you off? Been mad at your spouse for making you worried because they were late and didn't call? Lashed out at a friend because they embarrassed you?

Over the last few weeks, I have been sick with bronchitis and laryngitis. I have spent many hours waiting in doctor's offices because I am the unfortunate client of a poorly run medical clinic... don't even get me started.

Today required another trip to the same clinic for the results of a bloodtest. My doctor told me if all was well, there would be no phone call. Sure enough there was a phone call. Immediately I ran through all of the possibilities of what that could mean. As is often the case, what is unknown is far scarier than the reality. I began to think of some of the worst-case scenarios I have known: the friend who went to the doctor thinking he had the flu and ended up fighting for his life following chemotherapy, or my grandmother who after an extended period was still having problems with nosebleeds, passed away 7 months later from Cancer.

Since my "clinic" doesn't book appointments- you REALLY don't want to get me started - I spent 1 hour waiting for the possibility of a 5 minute conversation with a doctor to tell me what the problem was, but I had to leave because I had go to work.

Once again frustrated and without answers I got MAD. When I got back to my car I slammed the door and vented my frustration. The level of my anger higher than the situation merited, however, as I drove "assertively" back to work, I wondered why my response was so strong. It didn't make any sense.

I took a deep breath and realized that if I was really honest with myself, that I would admit to being scared more than anything else.

It was another lesson for me as God expands my understanding of who I am in Him.

Sorry to leave you hanging, but I still haven't recieved the results!

I need your Help

I want to get the word out about a project I am working on.

I support of our troops, I wanted to make a difference. I have created a way for us all to say Thank you to the troops.

Send an email to tenthousandthanks@yahoo.ca , you see the vision and the passion and the purpose. PLEASE tell everyone you know, and take a moment to write a Thank You note. This will only come to fruition of everyone makes a small contribution.

In Rememberence

This is typical of images we see all over the news at this time of year. Rememberance day is one of those days that makes me look back, but then I suppose that is the point!

I am always fascinated by the faces of those who have been at war. Because of the age of many veterans, I try and figure out what they have seen in thier lives. When they were born it was likely the great depression, not everyone had a phone or even electricity. Newfoundland wasn't part of the country yet, the flag was different. None of the major events that have shaped our world had occurred yet. These men and women remember a time before Air Travel, before TV, before you went to the store to buy your milk. They recall a day when almost everyone went to church, as kids they would have sung God save the King and prayed the Lord's Prayer. Children were safe to play in the streets while mothers gathered for tea on someone's porch.

I think of all of the advances around them and I often wonder if we are better off. Better off with our iPods, and our Space Travel. Better off with the opportunity to have 'friends' arond the world while we ignore the people in our own homes.

We have so much because brave men an women throughout our history.

Last week, I was waiting in Line for lunch, and in front of me were two men in Uniform. They were a part of our forces. As I stood there, everything within me wanted to just tap them on the shoulder and say "Thank You". I felt a little silly, and I also had to swallow hard to keep the tears at bay. I wish I could tell you that I did it, but I didn't and they walked away not knowing how I felt.

This is my THANK YOU card to all of those who have and are serving. We DO thank you, appreciate you, and we know that everyday you make sacrifices. Even when you are not overseas or in danger, you carry the weight of the defense of our nation on your shoulders. Whatever we might say about our agreement or disagreement with the politics of where you fight, know that we support YOU the people.

Thank YOU!!!

Indulge me

Somethings you might be surprised to know about me:
1) I have changed the oil in my car
2) I can make cherries jubilee
3) I love action flicks
4) I can back up a tractor and trailor- even if I've only done it with a lawn tractor
5) I always wanted to be a fighter pilot
6) My grandfather is one of my heroes
7) I speak very rudimentary Japanese
8) I jumped out of a plane
9) I am shy when I meet people for the first time
10) I have pitched a tent and made a fire by myself in the rain- and danced a "man make fire dance"
11) A piece of my heart beats for Africa- I have always wanted to go there
12) I used to be a competitive swimmer and I was a lifeguard
13) I once sang a solo in a school play
14) I have a diploma in Hotel and restaurant management
15) Hearing sirens always makes tear up
16) Sitting by the water is the only time I ever feel completely myself

Tears and Fears

I began to ponder today what my life would be like if I didn't allow myself to be limited by my fears and what I feel like other people would think of me.

I was watching Survivor and thinking that I would do pretty well in the bush. I have no issues with living a simple life, camping and not worrying about all the details that city life distracts us with. I am strong and resourceful and I am not really "afraid" of anything. Then that little voice inside of me started to talk to me about all my insecurities. My evil twin who lives in my mind- you have one too, I know you do- started to break down my "reality" . It began to list my limitations in that area: I don't like seafood, I am too out of shape for the challenges, I am not good with strategy and frankly no one wants to see me in a bathing suit!!

It is frustrating to know that the fears and the insecurities that I have are robbing me of the very life that I want. There are events that I decline to go to because of stupid reasons. And it is happening more and more.

I had a conversation with a VERY close friend. One who knows almost everything about me. We were talking about boys, and one in particular. She was talking about the things he liked to do and how he was looking for an outdoorsy woman who "can wake board and use an outhouse", and was speaking as if that explained why she didn't think of me for him. In her mind I didn't fit those criteria!!!

It shocked me to think that my very closest friend doesn't think of me in that way, when in fact, my fondest memories as a child are being at camp where there were outhouses, and canoeing and trees and "outdoors"!!! And more than that, I have camped by myself in a tent with just a fire for warmth and cooking!!! It made me wonder..... have I accurately presented the real me to the people around me???

This is not about camping or Survivor or even about boys (I know-shocking!) nor is it about my friend. This is about dropping all the facades and getting "messy" with who I am! It seems that despite my best efforts to be 'real' I have marketed a pretty slick package to present to the world, and now I have to reap the results of being pigeonholed. I want to scream, I am more than the plus size almost 6' woman with the heels and the purses!

This is a complex idea, and even as I write I realize that there are about 14 different ways that this could go. Do I write about my fears, do I devle into the reasons why I have the insecurities that I have, do I write a manifesto on who I really am, do I encourage you to look beyond what you know about those around you and learn something surprising?? Or perhaps I can take a cue from Lori (see favourite blogs) and do a series!

For now I will leave you with one thought. It comes from Oprah's show today where High School kids were Challenged to share with one another and esentially "see" each other for the first time. One question that was asked resonanted with me, I think it is at the core of who we are as children of God who just want to be known.

Here it is: "If you really knew me, you would know that....." and it was in sharing what goes into the blanks that drew people together.

This is my answer. If you really knew me, you would know that I have always felt like I don't belong. Not because of anything that I lack, but because of the diversity of my interests and the scope of my personality, and anytime they try to categorize me, it never seems to fit.

Irreplaceable

I recently read a book called "Captivating" (John & Staci Eldridge). It is an amazing book about the heart of a woman. Pick it up- you won't be sorry!

Anyway, in the book they talk about the things that women need in their lives. One thing we need in our lives is to be "an irreplaceable part of a grand adventure". Doesn't that just get your heart beating?? I love the idea of an adventure, and then to the an IRREPLACEABLE part of that adventure...... wow! For me, that is the key... the irreplaceable part.

When you are single there are many adventures. Every new guy you meet could be "the One", friends are finding their ways and by proxy we experience these adventures with them by being in their weddings, attending showers, gettting pictures of thier kids in the mail. Amazing fun stuff like that. My life has been so full of adventures. I have Great friends, family that I love and just enough drama to keep my friends entertained at parties!

Even with all that though, something is always missing. I always have to say goodbye at the end of the night. I leave friend's homes full of joy but empty-handed, after each event, I get into my cold car and drive home. I never get to take those adventures home with me. These are not my adventures, I am just walking alongside- or am I??

If you have been reading this since the beginning you will know that I had a really bad few months rom May-Oct. You can go back and read some of the first entries to really get an idea. But to summarize, I was a little mad at God. I felt as though I had nothing solid in my life to rejoice in. I had no grand adventure, no men, no big events to look forward to, and to top it off, I didn't like going to work everyday. I felt justified in being mad at God because I felt as though I had done everything that He had asked me to, there was nothing in the way of His plan for my life. There were no obvious obstacles. I was completely free to follow whatever course He wanted my life to take- I was waiting for the beginning of MY grand adventure - but there was silence.

So I felt like He had left me in the desert to whither away. I often thought to myself, if this is going to be the way my life is going to be day-in, day-out I don't want it. I don't want to live until I am 90 if this is how it is going to be.

Gradually though, God has been wooing me, taking care of me, and I am seeing the results everyday. Now I have different lenses to see the world through!

As I thought more and more about Adventures, I realized that my whole assumption might be wrong. So often we thing of God's will for our lives -or the Grand Adventure- as being one path that spans a lifetime. Those of us who didn't pop out of the womb knowing that we wanted to be Doctors or Lawyers or Garbagemen often question when. When will MY grand adventure begin. Especially single women, we wait for that man to enter our lives so that the adventure can begin.

I have realize though, that adventures are not long-term. Anyone who has ever watched Dora the Explorer know you can have a really cool adventure in 30 minutes and still have room for commericals! Adventures vary in lenght. I have begun to realize that even with goal setting and long-term plans that there are still seasons and stages and so doesn't it make sense that our lives would be made up of many Adventures?? Long, medium and short term??

As I thought of that, I took a moment to let the paradym shift in my mind and then tackled the question from a different angle. Instead of asking "when does my adventure start?" I made the assumption that my presence in people's lives had the same irreplaceable part as they had in my life.

I realized that adventure is all around me and that I hold an irreplaceable part in many adventures.. I am the ONLY daughter my parents will ever have- irreplaceable. I am the best Auntie Laura Mac & Sam will ever know. There are other Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents but I am the only Auntie Laura. I met Mac within an hour of her birth- irreplaceable.
I am the first person my new roommate met when she came to Ottawa-irreplaceable.

And of course.... I am God's creation and design He made me Irreplaceable.

More reasons to like being single

1) Late nights with the girls
2) Last minute plans
3) Using the china- just because
4) Being able to spoil the kids in your life
5) Being able to "give back" those same kids
6) Crushes
7) Shopping without guilt
8) All the messages on the machine ARE for me!
9) Getting a glimpse of how people think of you when they set you up with someone
10) A completely CLEAN and Tidy house!!

Beauty and the Ladies

Life is happy! I totally just got blessed with amazing free stuff. I hosted a candle party and got so much from it! It is another example of the mulitplication of God!!!

Where else, but in God's kingdom, do we get to spend "girl time" together, looking at beauty that has nothing to do with appearance, enjoy each other's company, eat good food, and then walk away with MORE than when we arrived?

MORE: friendships
MORE: information
MORE: appreciation for God
MORE: refreshed

This is the fuel of my life. People, beautiful things, happy home, and shopping for FREE stuff.

I always thought of the song "Oh, for a thousand tongues to sing" as meaning that I would need a thousand tongues to sing for a thousand years and still not be able to itemize the goodness and majesty of God. Again we are back at repayment for favours and "services".

But with all that God has done in and FOR me this past few weeks, I realize that the goodness and the greatness of God is so vast and I am soooooo grateful for all that He is doing, that even if there were a thousand tongues for a thousand years, it wouldn't BEGIN to itemize what he has done much less RESPOND and begin to shed light on how it makes me love Him more!!

There are so many instances of His caring and concern for the condition of my heart and for the provision of my life, that it would literally take hours and hours and hours to explain it all!
After so long feeling as though the heavens were brass, I am overwhelmed by the almost constant embrace of God in His provision for me. It has truly been a situation where He has even to provide the love that I then give back to Him- "because He FIRST loved me"!

Many of the situations have to do with money and big potential expenses-car repairs, appliances not working, furnaces that needed coaxing to come alive after the summer. As well as finding the right roommate to being ill and not knowing if my time off would be paid or not!

It has been since Thanksgiving, that all of this has taken place, and to go back and read where I was even the day before Thanksgiving, so much is different, but NOTHING has changed. I haven't started fasting, I haven't been praying 20 hours a day. I have changed NOTHING except my attitude of gratitude.

Through it all there has been an abiding peace. I have felt the needs and the stress, but I have not felt the weight of being ALONE in the struggle. It is only looking back that I can even identify what I felt, and that is CARED FOR.

I have felt for the first time maybe ever, that God will always CARE for me. There is a difference between being loved and being cared for. It is that sense of priority. It is what I recall as a kid feeling when I knew that when the rubber hit the road, it wasn't MY problem to solve.

As they say "the penny dropped" and all of those scriptures about God being our ALL; seeking first the kingdom and ALL these things will be added; suddenly I am beginning to understand what that could mean to my life.

And 1000 tongues, singing for 1000 years couldn't BEGIN to describe MY GOD!!

God's use of Irony

This evening I was at The Gathering! It was amazing., and while I was there, God reminded me that He moves in mysterious ways-and uses irony!

Just to bring you up to speed, I have laryngitis, I have lost my voice. All that comes out is an odd barking sound, imagine a broken fog horn mixed with a walrus, and you have a likeness of what my voice is like. Many people have been mocking me in my illness-which is a whole other story.

We were worshipping at Scotiabank Place. Because of my voice, I was not singing but just mouthing the words or just clapping. Then one of my FAVOURITE songs. I threw caution-and my doctor's advice- to the wind and croaked out the chorus.

I sang:
"I Love you Lord, and I lift my voice, to worship you, Oh my soul, rejoice" and then I started to smile as I realized what was coming next in the song

"take joy my King, in what you hear, let it be a sweet, sweet sound, in your ear!"

Normally, I have an OK singing voice. Normally I would be able to say that perhaps my voice would be a sweet sound in God's ear, but tonight! Not so much, remember the broken fog horn? The Walrus? Not so sweet a sound, but on I sang, with the knowlege that it actually didn't matter what I sounded like, that God responds to our heart.

A few moments later a new song- another favourite. This time Chris Tomlin.

The song goes: How great is our God, sing with me!

Again I am croaking out the words in a voice deep enough to get a Richter reading (for eathequakes), but I know that God is loving it!

I realized that this is kind of how I sometimes live my life. I know what I do well, and what I don't do so well, and it is easy to belt out the lyrics of a song since I have a decent voice, but something that I am not as good at-say dancing, I will hold back on, because I don't want people to see my inadequacy.

It comes back to this blog and my Messy Life. I am not going to be shy to croak out my life, if you wanna croak along with me....... go for it!

Isn't God ironic?

Because You asked Tracy!

It has been a while since I have posted. I have realized that I have much more to say when I am dealing with something difficult! I am not sure why. I suppose it is like they say: If you have a good experience, you will tell one person, if you have a bad experience, you will tell 12!

Life has been pretty good, except I have been sick. I lost my voice and have had to take the whole week off work! Even when I had my tonsils out, and my wisdom teeth out I have NEVER been sick this long in one stretch.

Don't get me wrong, if you are going to "have" to take the whole week off work, you might as well do it when you are feeling OK than when you are feeling really horrid! Not to say I don't feel sick, it is more run down. I have a doctor's note that has me off work until Tuesday, even so, I might have to take unpaid leave from work! I am praying for favour, I see the doctor again on Friday so you can pray please!

In the meantime though, in His timing and perfect provision, I got a phone call on Friday from a girl looking for a room. We chatted a little bit- God is good, and she arrived this morning from the east coast and will be living with me, paying rent! How cool is God. I have been waiting and praying for just the right roommates since March. One amazing roommate moved in in July,m and here we are. Although I have occasionally reminded God of my need, I have felt at peace. I didn't work hard to find a rommate, I just called the church and left word! Anytime I thought of putting an ad in the paper or posting online, there was a check in my Spirit, I just KNEW that God had it all worked out. And now here we are-a house full of Christian girls all making our way in the world!!

It is so great to have a place where, with 3 days notice, I can pull together a FURNISHED room where there wasn't furnishings before!

God is SO good!

I must remember to write down the good stuff. It is especially important. It seems like all that I was going through last month was in order to highlight the good that was to come.

Stop and Smell the flowers!

There is a subject that I feel like I need to touch on here, the Lord has been working on it.

It is not major or "bad", however it is "deep" in terms of the depth that it reaches into the foundation of who I am. I had a great conversation that was the "jumping off" point for this subject and I am ruminating-I love that word, it is slow and purposeful- on all the areas that it touches in my life. So stay tuned, it is about relationships: why some work and others don't and how that relates to how I feel about internet dating.

In the meantime, I encourage you to surf through the archives. If I may venture a couple of suggestions: like the chef telling you about their favourites. The postings that I "like" the most are "Journeys", "when a vacation saved my sanity" and "when placemats are profound".

Thanks for coming back !

Wrong appointments, and new neighbours

So the strangest things can happen without you knowing. I was thinking all day about what to write about, and I had nothing until a phone call came.

I have a good friend, actually more like a sister, who has a new boy in her life! Actually let me back up!

This evening I got my dates mixed up and when to the church for a meeting that I thought was tonite. After confirming that the meeting is actually tomorrow, I left. As I walked out of the church I saw the wife of my contractor who had left my house key in her office (at the church!) so I was able to get my house key. As I was driving home, I put it in the armrest of my car, thinking "this is a good place for a spare key!"

And this where my "little sister" comes in. She called me all googly about the date that she had just been on and wanted to come over to tell me all about it! So of course she came over. We chatted and hung out, then she left........ and then the "fun" began.

She had parked in one of my neighbour's parking spots and someone had blocked her in. She called me from the car to try and help her out, so I grabbed my coat and went out.

As we were trying to figure the best way out, my neighbour pulled in. Now I have lived in my house for 5 months and just 2 weeks ago met my neighbour. As he pulled in I asked if he knew where the car's owner lived. It turns out that his girlfriend was in the spot next to Amanda's, she moved her car and Amanda got out just fine. All was well, we waived bye and I went to the house but the front door was locked!!!! I couldn't believe it, on the way out of the house I had turned the doorknob and locked the door!

Attempts to rouse my overworked, exhausted roommate when unanswered, then it hit me! The key in the car! The new aquiantance with a phone! And the best part.... CAA membership- God is good!!

So I borrowed the neighbours phone, made the call to CAA, and got a tour of my nieghbour's house. And while I waited for the tow truck, I prayed for all of my neighbours.

What a night!!

Who would have thought that a forgotten errand, mistaken appointment, blocked-in car, and a locked door all after a date I wasn't on, could have made me smile and know that God is truly looking out for me.

Why is it that I can see the faithfulness of God in these things, but somehow miss Him in the big events, and timeline of my life.

The Many faces, which is your favourite?

God has many different faces. God the provider, God the healer etc.

Graeham Cooke calls God "the kindest person [he] ever met"

You have heard a lot about me.... what is YOUR favourite face of God?

When's the Wedding?

Today we travel back in time. I came across something I wrote a couple of years ago. It is interesting that while the circumstance is not recent, the experience is the same! Enjoy!

I recently attended the happy occasion of a Bridal shower for a friend. I will admit that at this stage in my life another wedding shower would not have been my Saturday Night of choice. I say that for a number of reasons. Not the least of which that it was not a wedding shower in MY honour! (As a side note, I am keeping a list of all the people I buy wedding/ shower gifts for and I am going to invite them to my wedding! At this rate, I will be able to furnish my home, the cottage and buy the BMW that I have always wanted!) It is not that I am not happy for the bride; in fact, I love to see people find the one that they are meant to spend the rest of their lives with. Mostly, I don’t enjoy bridal showers for 2 reasons. I am not a big fan of big parties and the second is because I can guarantee that without exception, as I am reaching over the vegetable dip to get to the brownies, a wonderful God-fearing, kind, loving woman will turn to me and ask “so Laura, when do we all get to throw a party like this for you?” Now, depending on the weather, phase of the moon – and time of the month- I have differing answers ranging from: a tightlipped fake smile that hide the tears brimming in my eyes to something witty about when God finished keeping me all to himself! Occasionally, on a bad day I might say something like “Oh I guess when I have taken care of all the sin in my life!” Over the years, I have forced myself to extend grace to all of those women, I know that they love me and they know that getting married is a deep desire of my heart; it doesn’t make the comments hurt less.

Even while I am defending my single hood and trying to get people to look past it to who I am. The arguments that I make ring a little hollow because I would give my right arm to be married. I realize that since I am right handed that would be a problem, however, if I give up my LEFT hand, where would I put the diamond??

As a single person, some of my loneliest moments are not what you would think. Friday night alone with a movie has sadly become one of the routines that I look forward to. I am no longer lonely in those moments. The loneliest moments always catch me off guard. Just today, I had a situation with my car. It wouldn’t start. This was not a problem-I have been there before. I called CAA and had them tow my car to the dealership. Through this all, I was fine until I was standing there, needing to make a decision about 2 courses of action. Neither way would have been the “ideal” and I realized standing right there that I didn’t know what to do. Worse than that, I needed someone who I trusted to help me.

I did what most single girls do when there is a car question, I called my dad-but there was no answer. I hung up feeling more alone than I have felt in a long time. I scrolled through my cell phone’s list of numbers blinking back tears and trying not to look like “a girl”. I finally got in touch with one of my “guys” and we figured out what needed to be done. I was reminded of one of the reasons I so much want to get married. You realize that no matter how content in life, we always need people.

A note about “my guys”: I am privileged to have around me a few great Men who I call on occasionally. The most important one is, of course my father, car problems, house repair, moving van driving I call on him. In medical emergencies, car accidents, heavy lifting or car shopping no one is better than my big brother. Then I have the best friend’s husband who is good for a bear hug, guy advice, flirtation interpretation, or a living example of what it means to be a man of God. And of course, there is the “safe date”: This is the great guy that you often think “If only…” but you know that a relationship would never work. I highly recommend one with a decent job and who looks good dressed up and in a ball cap. This is the kind of guy that you can meet for coffee dressed in track pants and a ball cap, or who will spring for a GREAT evening for your birthday!

It seems that I am most lonely when I am out of my comfort zone and I need advice, assistance, or help from a trusted source. When it would be helpful to have someone there who knows the history of the situation and with whose decision-making skills I am already familiar and comfortable. Sometimes, I just want to be the one who gets to be taken care of, who gets to do the leaning. As one who stands almost 6 feet tall, and who has always carried myself with strength and confidence, I often find that people around me rely and lean on me-which I love, it makes me feel needed But many times there is no one for me to lean on. Through all of this, the easy church answer is that all that we need is in JESUS. My answer to that is Yes….BUT.

Many times, I have wondered about my faith. After all that God has brought me through, how can I still be in need of anything? So many times singles beat themselves up for even wanting to get married. I can’t count the number of times that I have been told or made to feel, that the reason that I am not married is because I still have not put my whole faith and hope in Jesus, and that I look for things and people outside of Him.

To be perfectly honest, I don’t have the answer to that one. I know that in the deepest parts of me, I want Jesus to be everything to me. I feel like my relationship can go deeper, and there are those whom God has sustained who don’t need anything else. I also know that God made me who I am. In His infinite wisdom and love, He fashioned me into who I am. He wired me to love children and to desire to share my life with another. These are all things that He has created. I also know that He has a plan and a purpose for my life and that every day in written in His book.

Nothing that I do is a surprise to God. Nothing that you do catches Him off guard. He knows that we all have bad days and good. My biggest prayer over the last 10+ years, is this: God if it is not in your plan for me to marry, PLEASE take the desire away so that I can devote my life to serving you.

I continue to wait for God’s perfect timing. I heard Terry Bone say: “God is never late, but he doesn’t take too many opportunities to be early!”

When a vacation saved my sanity!

I would love to say that I went on vacation to some remote and exotic spot and found my sanity and came home with tanlines, digital pictures and maybe some stories to tell, but I have not been away in quite a while. No the vacation that I refer to is someone else's.

As a homeowner I have had to deal with all sorts of creatures: squirrels who like the cotton on the inside of my BBQ cover, a spider who live in my kitchen window - I have named her Charlotte - and the unknown animals whose droppings appear in the oddest places; but nothing could have prepared me for the biggest annoyance to anyone's life. The saddest part of this whole story is that I brought some of them with me when I moved in!

These horrid creatures that I refer to are the "shoulds". Let me tell you all about them. By day, the are adorable and cuddly and have the shape of good plans and intentions. When you think about the shoulds during the day you can be comforted and optimistic. I speak of course of those good things to do that rise us above the level of just existing. Things like: I should make cookies for my neigbour. I should clean out the guest room closet. I should research furnaces before mine dies so that I don't have to make a hasty decision before the snow flies.

The shoulds are not things that you have to do like get up and go to work, pay your bills, or shower. Shoulds are all those things that you think separate you from all those poeple who have it all together. I have a theory that Martha Stewart is the Queen of the Shoulds she brought them into our lives and they have taken over. It is all that pressure to do the things that we think will make us better people. During the day.... no problem, we make our lists and our plans and we feel all warm and fuzzy that we have the ambition to think of it!

The problem happens in the dark. There is a genetic mutation in the Shoulds, that causes them to turn evil and mean when the sun goes down. They become these ugly, hissing beings that crawl into bed with you and whisper things in your ears. Things like "you should have washed the floor today" or "that thank you note you meant to write, is too late now, you should have done it sooner" and they lie to you and ask "who will ever love someone who lives in a messy house" or "How will God ever trust you with more? You bought lunch when you should have packed it."

My house seemed to be the epicentre of the global infestation of the shoulds, and the problem seemed only to get worse the more I tried to ignore it. The shoulds were torturing me, clinging to my clothes and dragging me into their sick little reality. the house, the car, the hair, the weight, the job, the shallow relationship with God...... there seemed to be no end to the ways that I was failing dramatically..... to hear it from their perpective, you would think that I was no better than a reprobate sinner, who cheated little old ladies out of their life savings. The evidence around me didn't support the argument, but I believed the lies anyway.

The whole purpose of the Shoulds is to keep you off your "game", to sabotage what success you DO have by focussing on what you missed. Kind of like a parent whose first response to a grade of 98% asks "What happened to the other 2%?". I think as women we do this to ourselves so much. As single women it carries the weight of negating our "qualification" to ever find love and happiness- so it is a double whammy!

As I said, I was mired in the Shoulds to the point that I couldn't even see the good things that had nothing to do with my performance, it was just all bad. And then during one particular phone call with Nicolle (amazing friend by the way), she suggested that I not be so hard on myself and that I could let a few things slide. All of those shoulds that don't matter and have nothing to do with financial obligation or safety. Since I was already good at justifying my way out of housework etc, I figured that I had the basic skill to accomplish this particular mission, just let it go. So off I went with a new sense of purpose getting rid of the shoulds.

Day 1: "I should clean the kitchen" said the should on duty.
"I don't FEEL like it" I replied
"What if someone sees the mess, what will they think of you?"
Here's where it gets good.
I said "I DON'T CARE! What are they going to do? Stop being my friend because there are some dishes in the sink?"

And then.... Silence.....

I had rendered the should silent!

Day 2: "I should vacccuum"
"No, I don't want to" I replied, and paused

This time though, when I paused, I thought of all my favourite people, and I tried to imagine them coming into my house with an unvaccuumed floor, and what their response would be. Amazingly enough, I couldn't think of one important person who would stop being my friend because I hadn't vaccuumed!!!!

The should had no response... he just turned and walked away


Day 3: I was at work, and it was almost lunchtime. I had started having co-workers over for lunch, they would bring thier lunches and we would eat together- but normally I would do a mental check of the state of my house before inviting them over. On this day, the house was a mess-I had been ignoring the shoulds. I took a big risk and invited them over.
Guess WHAT! No one mocked me, or ran screaming from my house, and they all thanked me for my hospitality!!

When I got home that evening, the shoulds were all lined up at the door, suitcases in hand, and announced that they simply couldn't work under these circumstances and that they would be leaving for vacation, and that I was on my own.

And so I was free from the shoulds, for a time.

So there was peace.

After a time, the shoulds returned. But an interesting thing had happened while they were away. A colony of want tos moved in! They applied for permanent residency. The shoulds were a little upset, but then they realized that when the work together with the want tos, more gets done, I am happier and we all sleep better at night.

And somewhere, the Queen of the Shoulds abdicated her throne and is enjoying life immensly!!!

I'm Stupid..... and God's OK with that!!!

Let me explain! Tonight I was at a LifeGroup and we were talking about the challenges in our lives, and how we learn the lessons that God ask us to learn. I was talking about how long it takes for me to learn some of these lessons.

I am so grateful that God is OK with the many times that it takes for me to learn a lesson sometimes. How many times He has to watch me squirm and twist my way through another difficult lesson that I should have learned the first time!

Thank you Lord that you are OK with me and how long it sometimes takes for me to learn some of those lessons!!!

A Surprising Entry

Top reasons I like being single:

1) I get the remote all to myself
2) Crying watching Oprah- and keeping my dignity
3) The mirrors and the drivers seat are always right where I need them to be
4) That last :piece of cake/pie, dish of ice cream, cookie, bit of mac & cheese, chocolate bar that I have been looking forward to is never eaten!
5) Things are where I last put them
6) No judgemental looks when reaching for another helping
7) No need to hide YET ANOTHER box of shoes!
8) If I want that expensive yet beautiful tea-set, I am the only one who needs to suffer through a week of no name pasta to compensate!
9) Ordering pizza doesn't require a UN negotiator (sausage? No sausage!)
10) Figuring out something I didn't know before, and might not have learned if there was someone else around to do it for me.
11) Still having the best things of my life ahead of me!
12) Finding out that when you need someone, people are happy to help
13) A quiet house after a long loud day at work
14) Surprising myself by learning something new
15) Having a cool roommate who introduces me to people that I wouldn't have met otherwise, and remind me what it was like to be 20
16) Having the time to help out a friend with babysitting
17) Not having to check-in
18) Getting to build my own gate- and brag about it!
19) No devastating surprises
20) Being able to leave last night's dishes in the sink!

Burke's Epiphany

Today was uneventful, I stayed home because I wasn't feeling well, and so I had a great opportunity to rest. Sometimes it is nice to be at home when you weren't "scheduled" to be. It means that you really have nothing planned and you just get to "be". All the chores are done, all the projects that NEED to be addressed, have been. And so I rested!

I had a surprise call from a friend who came at the last minute and we had a "track pants on the couch night" and watched Grey's Anatomy. Lots of drama, good-looking doctors in scrubs, and sparky dialogue, interspersed with comments from the couch about what was going to happen next- I am always right by the way!

One of the story lines is about a renowned surgeon who is recovering from a gunshot wound inflicted last season. He is trying to work his way back into the operating room, but is having difficulty with his hand. He knows that he is having problems, but everyone around him-including his girlfriend, who works for him- thinks to highly of him that they don't takethe time to really look at him and assess his level of ability. At one point he asks again if they really think that he is ready to go back, and gets a distracted response. He seems about to tell the doctor about his problem when his adoring girlfriend-and fan/employee- walks in. There is this look on his face that desperatly wants someone to really see him in his place of weakness. Then his girlfriend says "he is fine, he is perfect". Away this doctor walks sad that know one was seeing his need but too afraid to say anything.

There is a lot of talk on Grey's Anatomy about how surgeons wrap their identity up in what they DO at the expense of knowing who they are. Knowing that this is a theme, and having had moments in my life where I didn't know who I was outside of what I did, I could feel the character's dilemma. If he admits that he can and should no longer be a operating he loses his identity, his place in this world, and he thinks the woman he loves.

In a beautiful moment she goes after him and when he admits the situation, she is quick to reassure him that her feelings haven't changed and that she will back him up.

It got me thinking...... how do we expect the best out of ourselves and those around us, while allowing them the room to be vulnerable, weak, and occasionally human??

I pray that God will open my eyes to opportunities to SEE the people around me who are looking for someone to give them permission to admit a weakness, or insecurity. When we do that for one another, we take away the power that the enemy has to blow little things out of proportion. As we all know, exposing fears and uncertainty neutralizes the threat that they carry. When the 'secrets' in our lives are exposed, they no longer have control over us.

This week, I am going to look a second time at people and really SEE them....

Authentic Influence

Recently I overheard co-workers discussing housework and guests. It was one of those strange conversations that can only happen with people that you spend 8+ hours a day with. They were talking about having guests and being a guest and how different people keep their homes. Not being a huge fan of housework, my ears perked up to hear unguarded responses.

You see I always was that person who before you arrived, had just spent 8 hours scrubbing, tidying, rearranging and making sure that every cupboard and room was spotless. For my whole life I had this idea that if people could see the "real" me that they would run screaming from the room. This was completely logical in that I didn't like me most of the time and if I could have I would have left too!

By "real" me I mean the not put together, bumbling, lost person that I frequently feel like. It was this “real” person who became like a skeleton in my closet I was desperate to keep hidden. I was certain that the bad things in my life outweighed the good.

And so began the construction. Walls went up around my heart to protect it from pain, mazes leading to my feelings meant that people gave up long before they reached the centre, and of course the all important smoke screen, distract and evade. Dress nicely, smile, and act as if everything is fine. It works. People stay far away. They know when they are not wanted.

But then there were circumstances in my life that couldn’t be avoided, and that stone wall, that façade began to crumble. There were days that I didn’t know what I was going to do. I felt like the Wizard of Oz desperately holding onto the fantasy “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain”. I was certain that my life as I knew it was over. That when people found out that I wasn’t the pulled together, well adjusted person that they knew, that I would be alone. At least before, there were lots of people around me, even if they didn’t KNOW the real me.

As the dust settled and I stood feeling completely exposed to the world. My shame right there for all to see, my failures and my insecurities laid bare. To my amazement, as I opened my eyes, I realized that I had not been abandoned; in fact, people I didn’t even know were standing, arms wide open, waiting, and smiling. They were smiling because finally I realized what they all already knew. They all had seen through my blustering and posturing, they dodged my hurtful comments when they knew I was just protecting myself, and most of all they had prayed.

I began the slow process of authenticity, of finding opportunities to be real. Opportunities to share my thoughts, disappointments and weaknesses. Much to my surprise, instead of keeping people away, authenticity has drawn people toward me. In being real, people are real with me, and I love it. I am so honoured when people share their challenges, because I know how hard it is to be vulnerable. I love it when a friendship moves to the place of track pants on the couch-girls you know what I mean. For me, having someone in my home who is totally relaxed, feet up, and real, it is an honour!!

At the end of the conversation my co-workers were having, my friend Brock said something so profound, it struck me and I have thought of it often. He said that when he goes to someone’s home and it is messy-like how every home is during the day when we are living there! - he said that is when he knows that someone is truly a friend because they are not worried about what he thinks, they just are who they are!! How amazing is that

It stopped me in my tracks. I chewed on this idea for a long time.

Then I put it to the test. I would invite people over spontaneously, apologize ONCE for the house being a bit messy, and then just let it go. You know….. not one person has left upset, not one person has stopped being my friend, and in fact, my home is filled more often with people than ever before!!!! Amazing isn’t it. Could it be that no one really cares what my house looks like??? That they just keep coming around because they like me? And, gasp, that they feel comfortable in my home???

Maybe I’m onto something here! * grins *

When Placemats are profound

One of the things that I like most about God is that He is flexible in how He approaches us. For example: I am stubborn and hard-headed - I KNOW total shocker! - and yet God seems to find a way to get through to me as long as I am listening. Sometimes though, I stop listening. I think that I am listening and praying but what I really am doing is pouting and whining. And lately I have been doing a lot more than usual!

I been wrestling with God about a lot of different things ( see previous posts) , one of the main things I have been wrestling with is the fact that I am not seeing hopes and dreams fulfilled. A prime example of this is my state of singleness. It is no secret that I would like to be married. So often I have looked at my life and said "what more do I need to do?" And there are no answers. My heart says that He has the timing, my mind asks when. My heart says "He knows the desires of my heart" ; my mind says "am I good enough, or has God forgotten me?" I had begun to list to God all the ways that I felt He had failed me. I remembered all the prayers that seemed to go unanswered.

In the middle of all this there was a party for my birthday!! An amazing woman named Nel passed me a card that said a gift was in the construction phase and that I would be recieving it soon. What a blessing! Someone was making something FOR me!

Time passed, and the curiosity built, and others who also knew her would see my gift in process and drop little remarks to me about how beautiful and amazing it all was. I didn't ask, I didn't push, and each time Nel mentioned the gift, I would smile and say that anticipation increases the enjoyment! It would cross my mind occasionally as I tried to imagine what it was that was being delayed by "technical dificulties"!

And then it happened! Nel approached me and said that the day was coming soon, it would be 10 days! All the waiting would be over! 10 days later....... nothing........ another week went by ..... nothing. Each time knew I would be seeing her my hopes raised a little.

Meanwhile in completely unrelated events, I kept whining. I kept harrassing God and whoever else would listen that I was tired of waiting to see the deepest desires of my heart fulfilled. I didn't have any strength left to continue waiting. It felt like God had never met any of my needs and that I was not welcome at the table of His abundant life. To top everything else off, I remembered the gift. Not asked for, not specified, I didn't even know what was coming my way, but all of a sudden, this gift became the "smoking gun" in my case proving that I had been wronged by God. It felt as though even the insignificant things were not even worth His time for me.

Often in the past God has used everyday moments to illustrate to me profound truths. I suppose in the same way that Jesus talked about seed to farmers and fish to fishermen. I like that God knows me well enough to speak to me in that way. In this case though, I spoke to Him with an everyday parable about my disappointment!

As I walked in to church on Thanksgiving Sunday I saw Nel's husband. He said I should make sure and find his wife! With a smile I went and found her. Inside the beautiful wrapping were STUNNING embroidered placemats for my new home, so beautiful it took my breath away!! I was taken aback at how extraordinary they were, each one so obviously invested in with time and energy. I was blown away that someone would spend all that time crafting something just for me.

And then it happened! Right there within about 1 minute of seeing them for the first time, I heard it. That quiet, smiling- not gloating, - voice of Holy Spirit, saying, "amazing, more than you could have imagined, made with Laura in mind, beyond the scope of your imagination to even dream up much less hope for something so beautiful! What does that sound like??" And of course I knew. God had used those Placemats to remind me that He has all the details worked out for my life and He has the timing!!

Even though they are different than I would have thought I wanted for my kitchen, these placemats are the perfect colour. They are of a design that I don't think I would have liked in concept but LOVE now that I see it. There is a set of 8 with two different designs-if you know me well, you know that is PERFECT for the way I like to decorate!

To top it all off, later that day I remembered some cloth napkins that I had bought a year ago on vacation. I like to have a full set of whatever I am buying, so I bought 8. What I didn't think of though is a table cloth or placemats. I try to use the napkins wherever I can to add a little colour, but on Saturday I said to myself, "I really wish that I had SOMETHING to go with these napkins. I should keep my eyes open for a table cloth or something" Guess what goes with my placemats!

So I am reminded that there is nothing that is out of God's hands and keeping. That if He has taken interest in even the smallest details of my life, then surely the multi-layered perfect fit approach to answering my prayers will translate to the bigger things - like those hopes and dreams...... and a husband!!

Just in time, God has rescued me from myself and provided a much needed injection of strength to run this race in His timing.

For that I say to Him "Thank You".... and I'm sorry for all that other stuff I said!

A BIG shout-out

For those of you who are frequent readers-lori!- over the next few days you might notice some changes.

My FAVOURITE techie-chick Amanda is tweaking the look and "feel" of the interface.
Please bear with me. You might want to check back often just to see the changes :-)

For those who don't know Amanda, she is AMAZING!!!!!!!

Check out her website at www.logikal.ca TOTALLY talented!

Angelic Escort!

Before anything else happens, I need to tell you about a GREAT blog I found
http://threebeautifulthings.blogspot.com/ I love it!

Go there later!

What a difference a day makes!
In the midst of a hard time, God has once again proven His faithfulness!
All day long there were life lessons all around me. Moment by moment, God was not so subtley reminding me that He alone is sovereign and more importantly that He is invested in my well-being. Family, friends, kids, gifts, time and food, there was no mistaking His presence.

I will try and get to them all, but for now, I need to tell you about the end of today!

My story starts in the country. My father and step-mother live on a beautiful lake far away from the sights and sounds -and lights- of the city. There are no streetlights, and it is dark, the kind of dark that you only experience when camping.

Having had a amazing dinner and lots of laughs, it was later than I expected to leave. The drive home is about 45 minutes. Not being a nervous or timid driver, I knew I would be OK even though I was a little tired. I had a plan for staying awake! I took with me: some pop for the sugar, a bottle of water (providing just enough fluids to make me uncomfortable enough to stay awake), and the totally necessary MP3 player with my 259 favourite songs. So I was all set!! My father walked me to the car with his flashlight and off I went with "drive carefully and watch out for animals" echoing in my ears.

Here's where it gets interesting. The first 15 mintues is along dark, twisty narrow country roads with very few houses and the woods on both sides- I should mention that since hearing a certain scary campfire story, the woods at night gives me mild panic attacks! Along this road there are no street lights , and my father just moved there, it is not a trip that I have taking a lot. Oh and I forgot my cell phone at home! As I pulled away from the house, I took a deep breath and ventured into the darkness

I turned up the radio, opened the Coke and focused on the long grass beside the road willing all the cute little woodland creatures away from my tires! All was going well when..... silence........ that 3/4 full MP3 battery died! I thought I had an extra battery in my purse, so I pulled over and put on my 4-ways.

At that moment I was feeling about as vulnerable as I ever have. Here I was surrounded by darkness, in unfamilliar territory, knowing that an essential part of my plan had failed.

Being a tall woman (5'10") it is not very often that I feel physically vulnerable. In fact most of the time I am with smaller people and it feels like they look to me for strength. I have on occasion even placed myself between a smaller friend and a bigger man who might be an annoyance or pest. But there I sat, in my car in the dark, woods all around feeling completly ALONE. If I had been in the middle of the desert, ocean or deep space, I couldn't have felt more isolated!

I wasn't stopped for more than 30 seconds when I saw headlights in my rearview mirror. a HUGE white Excursion came alongside my car paused, determined I wasn't needing help, and then continued.

With the MP3 battery changed, I started up again. This time the lights of the truck were ahead of me. Those glowing red lights changed my whole perpective! To know that this massive truck was ahead meant that the threat of animals jumping in front of my car was lessened, I could see more of the road, and I knew that if needed help was close. What a difference it made! To be lead by a stronger and bigger vehicle! Then a crazy thought popped into my head- now don't laugh- I wondered if they were angels! I knew that even if they weren't angels, they were still sent from God.

We continued out to the main highway. Now even though this is a highway, it is still in the middle of nowhere, no lights and about 20 minutes from the nearest town. My angel truck was travelling in the same direction.

As soon and I turned onto the highway I noticed that there was another truck behind me. So here we were 3 vehicles, in the country travelling close enough to be a caravan. As I drove I realized that I felt EVEN SAFER with a car behind me than I had with the car ahead!! Again as a single girl, sometimes I forget what it feels like when someone has your back!

Along we drove, me in the middle and 2 trucks full of angels ahead and behind!!! In the space of about 6 minutes I had gone from scared, nervous, white-knuckled driver alone on the planet, to relaxed, escorted royalty!! What a feeling!!!

As we neared town with the comforting glow of streetlights and Tim Hortons, the truck a head of me turned off. But that was OK since I had driven the next stretch of road many times. The truck behind me stayed right with me. When I passed a car, it would pass. When I slowed it would slow, even though he had many opportunities to pass me, he didn't budge. It felt as though I had a bodyguard, and knowing I was protected, gave me the courage to lead the pack!!

Were there angels in those trucks? I don't know. What I DO know though, is that God is concerned enough about me that if I needed them, He is ABLE and more importantly WILLING to protect and lead me out of any situation!! By the way... if He is willing to do it for me He is DEFINATLY willing to do it for you too!

With Thanksgiving!

Today I was cleaning and baking in preparation for Thanksgiving, and listening to Casting Crowns, there is amazing song called Stained Glass Masquarade.

It speaks about leaving behind all the masks that we wear!
I love it check it out.

Thank you...... but

This is my favourite time of year, the leaves are changing, the sun sits low in the sky, the warm and cozy sweaters come out of their hiding places and it is Thanksgiving!! What a glorious season to see the majesty and beauty of God!

I was thinking this morning about what I am thankful for, and even though I am so blessed, sometimes being thankful is difficult.

My relationship with God is going through a metamorphisis and I don't always know which way is up! My emotions are all over the place and I am learning things about myself, my God and His world that I didn't know before. But what I am learning most is that feeling the hard stuff sucks! I don't like it, I am so used to putting on a happy face and "funning" my way through the tough times that this feeling stuff is confusing and scary and I HATE IT! Yet I know that this is a process, and that part of the process is "processing" the feelings. What was I saying??? Oh right!!! Thankfulness!

Through this process my friend Nicolle gave me some good, spritual, "I love you so I have to say this" advice. While the words she said were painful to hear, it was more like surgery pain than injury pain, and our friendship is strong enough that I was able to stand and listen and actually HEAR what she had to say. Her message wasthis: I need to find gratitude for God. That despite the frustrations etc, to remember to be grateful.

The word gratitude is one that has come to be popular in recent years. When Nicolle mentioned it I immediately thought of Oprah and her gratitude journal, and the popular slogan "have an attitude of gratitude". There is a sense of choice and intentionality to gratitude, like it is something that can and should be practised. As I meditated on the word gratitude and what it did to my heart I realized that in my life there is a cost associated with gratitude.

Here's why: as kids, if we didn't behave well, or if our response to a request for assistance with housework was slow, my mother would chide us for being "ungrateful". Now, let's not kid ourselves, I was very likely a very ungratful child- most of us were! I had an overworked, underappreciated mother who just did her very best to make the most of challenges that I am sure she didn't want or anticipate when she signed on as "wife and mother". When the word gratitude was used, it was in a context that something was owing. I felt as though through my mere existence, I asked for something I didn't derserve or earn and that the debt was reduced only slightly by my "gratitude" credits.

So as I focussed on being grateful, I started to feel that indebtedness, that weight, that sense of obligation that said "you have so much, who are you to expect more" - which brings us back to the core question that I have been wrestling with for about 6 months.

It is that idea of being grateful for salvation and yet acknowleging that God promises more than just a "get out of hell free card". We are adopted sons and daughters, promised good things. God can provide since He "owns the cattle on a thousand hillsides" and He earnestly wants to "give us the desires of our hearts" and yet.......

Here I am single, when I want to be married with kids
Working in a job that doesn't fulfill me
Frustrated that I cannot do more for God
Desperate to make an impact for the kingdom, but living in what seems to be the shadows of disappointment and unfulfillment.

These are my desperate desires all for God's glory-they are not even selfish dreams. And it seems like the heavens are brass, closed to me.

So today, where I am right now, it feels as though gratitude means that I accept that those dreams are more than I deserve or are entitled to through the Blood of Christ; that if I am truly grateful, I must accept my place and plight, and just shut up and stop whining!

On so many levels (intellectually, and doctrinally) I know that it is not the truth, but it is how I feel. So here I sit. I know the wonderful ways that God has blessed me, I know that He does have a plan and a purpose for me. This will work itself out because I serve an amazing Father who isn't insecure in the light of my questions, and He is patient with me as I learn more about Him and myself in this process.

What is keeping me on this road is the knowledge that at the end of this, is light and hope, and most importantly, a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him. For now though all I can muster is:

THANK YOU!

What keeps me going!

I sat down to write about something completely different! But this is what came out!

It was a dificult day today, I just am dealing with some stuff, it is part of that journey I alluded to in "Journeys". Ultimately it comes down to a trust in God's oversight and leading in my life.
When things don't make a lot of sense I have found that I need to remind myself of the goodness of God. I think it is the same with anyone, catch me most times, and ask me how God is good to me, and the list is so long you might be late for something! However there are THOSE moments, when despite all logical evidence to the contrary it absolutely feels like God has forgotten about me, that there is almost nothing to brag on God about! Now keep in mind I didn't say that God HAD forgotten about me, just that it FEELS like it!

I have to sometimes physically stop and intentionally acknowledge the way that I FEEL is different than the reality. Almost an excercise in convincing me of what I already know. Many of you may have had moments like this in dealing with your kids! Does this sound familliar? "I love these kids and I cannot leave them here at the shopping mall regardless of how many times they have asked for ice cream! I Love them". Or at work :"This is a good job, it pays the bills, you, Laura, cannot quit, the next phone call will be better". We do this in a lot of areas, and I am having to literally train myself to be grateful and to remember that God really is good, and what I am feeling in the moment is truly just that -a MOMENT!

There is a song that I have come to LOVE. It reminds me to breathe - sometimes I forget!!

the song is called CLOSER:

The sun should be halfway to China by now // The big lazy moon, well it's barely off of the ground // I'm on top of the world but my world is upside down // And all I have is you // Come closer, closer than ever// So close to me // Come closer, closer than ever // when I have you I have all I need // They all expect me to have some great words to say // I'm searching for answers // but I'm finding none today // There is no reason , you know, there is no Rhyme // All I have is you // All I need is all I have // All I have is all I need // All I need is all I have // All I have is all I need is // All I have is all I need is you // You are all I have and everything I need //

Warren Barfield is an amazing artist whose album I "stumbled" across in a Christian bookstore.
(See www.warrenbarfield.com)