Life Questions

Have you ever had a moment when someone asks you something that hits at the core of your being? That place that remains covered because you are afraid of what COULD be inside? Kind of like that Tupperware container in the back of your fridge!

Well, I had 2 moments like that this week! How good is God that He goes digging when He knows you are ready? Like waiting for a sliver to work its way out so that the pain is bearable. However, like a sliver it can also be uncomfortable for a time.

The first question was posted on Lori's Blog and accompanied by an amazing peom by Leah. The question was "What does God see when He looks at you?"

For some reason when I started to think about the fact that God knows everything about me, I started to panic. For as long as I can remember there was something I felt like I needed to hide about myself. As a family we did a lot of hiding. We hid our discontentment, we hid our dysfunction, and we hid our dislike for one another, because families don't show that stuff to outsiders. A few years ago, I realized that I had carried that into my adult life. There was so much about myself that I felt I needed to keep hidden, things like my insecurities, my fears and my failures. The thing that I feared the most was that someone would find out that I wasn't who I wanted people to think that I was and that they would get to know me and not like what they saw.

I suppose that fear was somewhat logical, in that I knew all about me and I didn't like myself, so why would someone else who has no obligation?

A few years ago that changed dramatically, and has been changing ever since. As God often does when we are finally ready, he allowed circumstances in my life which resulted in me not being able to hide anymore. I was like the Wizard of Oz "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain"... keep believing the charade!! I didn't think that I could survive, and I held my proverbial breath as the world was exposed to the real me; the fearful, insecure, desperate to be loved little girl.

While all this was happening, I was ready to be all alone and unloved after the dust settled. I was prepared to go on with only God and to rebuild from the ground up.

As is often the case, my fear proved to be stronger in it's potential than in the reality. In walking out my challenges, I found a support system that I didn't know existed. And in my transparancey and vulnerability people came to stand beside me, attracted by the authenticity of my life.

In being real for the first time, I think that it created an open door for people to enter and be at rest. No one wants to be in the presence of someone who has it all figured out, but they can connect to the hurt and the pain. In the last five years, I have developed the best friendships I have ever known, I have grown in my family relationships and through the realistic view of myself God has brought me through amazing times of growth. If you had told me then where I would be in my life, I never would have believed you!!

There is still a part of me that wants to hide the imperfection especially from God, all I want is for Him to be proud of me.

I know that He is proud of me. When He looks at me I know that he smiles at my antics, weeps at the lies I believe about myself, and most of all he is excited about what is coming next in my life. I think of God as a parent with a gift that they are excited to give their child. I almost cannot wait for Christmas because I know how much people will love the gifts I give them!!

I know that God sees my generous, giving heart, and the strength of Character. He sees my deep desire to be a woman of integrity and kindness. I think that he sees me for all that I can be. When he looks at me He sees someone who can change the world!

Most of all when He looks at me, He sees His own handprint from the moulding and shaping.