Ok here's the story behind the emotion. A year and a half ago, God rocked my world and gave me success in weight loss for the first time in 100 years (or so it felt like!) , I was totally happy with the success of it all. I felt great, stronger, like for the first time I could accomplish a goal. In doing so God broke off a number of lids in my life regarding what I could accomplish.
Over time, I have slipped back into my old eating ways. Thankfully, I have not gained a whole lot back, but I do FEEL yucky like the old days. I have suddenly found myself thinking in the way I used to think, and dealing with those feelings in old ways.
There is a cycle that follows those who don't eat well and then gain weight. There is a sense of hopelessness to the whole situation, as day after day after day, you promise yourself that today I will stick to the 'holy' plan, only to succumb right after breakfast! For too many years, I lived beating myself up about the food I was putting into my mouth, and I thought that I had gotten a major breakthrough, that I was free!!!! Except like a lot of battles, merely gaining the ground is not enough, you have to fight to keep it!
All the way through my weight loss, I knew that I knew that God had done a big work in me just to be able to make the better choices and stick to them. It was all God. But I think over time, as I ate whatever I wanted to, and found that I didn't gain that much, I started to make a fatal mistake. I started to take credit for the weight loss, and for the changes in my life style. They became a source of pride (not in a good way!), and part of my identity. As time went on, I felt this accomplishment slipping away at the same rate as my jeans got a little tighter, and I suddenly felt myself being who I used to be. And I panicked every time I made a plan to get back on track and failed. I began to wonder why God had removed his grace from this area of my life.
In dealing with these feelings, I began to chat with a friend who has struggled with smoking on and off for years, and she has resolved and tried to quit more times than I can count. At one point she was doing quite well, and then something happened and she was back to it. She too felt like God had withdrawn the grace for the victory.
I began to think. What if there are moments in our lives where God does a great work, but requires of us that we continue to rely on Him to continue to see the victory in that area? What if occasionally He re-draws the line of our dependence on Him?
I think of the kids in my life and the times when they are doing something new, they are so determined to do it on their own and depending on what it is, I will stand by and watch, occasionally offering my help. Frequently what happens is help is needed but not for the WHOLE task, just for the next step. So I assist when asked, then take my hands off to allow for the learning to continue, until the next hurdle. I have noticed as they grow and get stronger, I find I stand just a little further away from them, because it helps me to see the big picture of what they are trying to accomplish, and they don't need me with my hand on their back like they did when they were toddlers.
Occasionally, they get to a point where they are stuck or don't know what to do next, an offer of help often is responded to with "no thanks, I can do it" followed by a long pause, then "umm... auntie Laura, could you help me?" With a smile, I always step in, but I need to wait to be asked. It makes sense that God responds similarly to us. I don't suppose that it is fair then, to wonder where His grace has gone, when we choose not to utilize it!
Is there an area of your life that needs God's help?
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