Tears and Fears

I began to ponder today what my life would be like if I didn't allow myself to be limited by my fears and what I feel like other people would think of me.

I was watching Survivor and thinking that I would do pretty well in the bush. I have no issues with living a simple life, camping and not worrying about all the details that city life distracts us with. I am strong and resourceful and I am not really "afraid" of anything. Then that little voice inside of me started to talk to me about all my insecurities. My evil twin who lives in my mind- you have one too, I know you do- started to break down my "reality" . It began to list my limitations in that area: I don't like seafood, I am too out of shape for the challenges, I am not good with strategy and frankly no one wants to see me in a bathing suit!!

It is frustrating to know that the fears and the insecurities that I have are robbing me of the very life that I want. There are events that I decline to go to because of stupid reasons. And it is happening more and more.

I had a conversation with a VERY close friend. One who knows almost everything about me. We were talking about boys, and one in particular. She was talking about the things he liked to do and how he was looking for an outdoorsy woman who "can wake board and use an outhouse", and was speaking as if that explained why she didn't think of me for him. In her mind I didn't fit those criteria!!!

It shocked me to think that my very closest friend doesn't think of me in that way, when in fact, my fondest memories as a child are being at camp where there were outhouses, and canoeing and trees and "outdoors"!!! And more than that, I have camped by myself in a tent with just a fire for warmth and cooking!!! It made me wonder..... have I accurately presented the real me to the people around me???

This is not about camping or Survivor or even about boys (I know-shocking!) nor is it about my friend. This is about dropping all the facades and getting "messy" with who I am! It seems that despite my best efforts to be 'real' I have marketed a pretty slick package to present to the world, and now I have to reap the results of being pigeonholed. I want to scream, I am more than the plus size almost 6' woman with the heels and the purses!

This is a complex idea, and even as I write I realize that there are about 14 different ways that this could go. Do I write about my fears, do I devle into the reasons why I have the insecurities that I have, do I write a manifesto on who I really am, do I encourage you to look beyond what you know about those around you and learn something surprising?? Or perhaps I can take a cue from Lori (see favourite blogs) and do a series!

For now I will leave you with one thought. It comes from Oprah's show today where High School kids were Challenged to share with one another and esentially "see" each other for the first time. One question that was asked resonanted with me, I think it is at the core of who we are as children of God who just want to be known.

Here it is: "If you really knew me, you would know that....." and it was in sharing what goes into the blanks that drew people together.

This is my answer. If you really knew me, you would know that I have always felt like I don't belong. Not because of anything that I lack, but because of the diversity of my interests and the scope of my personality, and anytime they try to categorize me, it never seems to fit.