Today I Chased the Sunset

I chased the sunset today in an attempt to capture the vastness of its beauty
As I traversed the hills and conquered corners

I am forced to complete my journey knowing that the sunrise cannot be caught
But rather that it steps beyond my reach

It is like the dreams of my heart

I chase the dreams each day in an attempt to see the vastness of the Glory of God
I traverse and persevere hoping each corner will hold

I hope that it holds the key

What is it that I seek? This uncapturable dream?
I seek the joy of a day after another day after

Each day after contains the knowing, the knowing that cannot be achieved

We cannot see the depth or the height or
Or can we?

We can understand that the earth is the Lord’s and all that is in it
We can grasp the love that He holds for us

I cannot understand the magnitude of the thoughts He has for me
I choose to shut out the conflict of a life unfulfilled.
But when I shut out the conflict, I shut out the One who says “Peace”

“Be at Peace in who I created you to be
Celebrate the joy, feel the hurt but know Me

Hear Me, my heart beats with yours
I have made you, every corner stuffed with memories
Every wide-eyed moment of thanks, it was all my idea”

So I stand waiting, with empty hands, and an open heart
Looking for the first glimpses of light

I know that with the sunrise, it begins again another race, another chance to
Chase the sunset


I wrote this today, as I was driving West it felt like I was chasing the sunset. If I had set out to chase the sunset, my journey would have been a failure. How often I find myself merely chasing sunsets and forget just to pause and acknowledge its majesty.

Friends and Fun Times

I have some really great friends, I have family, and then there are those people who are more than friends, but who don't share the same blood, but they might as well be family.

Amanda is one of those people. I refer to her as my "little sister". More than that though I think of her as my little sister. Her joys are my joys, her pains are my pains and when she breaks up with someone.... I get to tell her that he wasn't good enough for her anyway!!! :-)

Last night was her 25th birthday!!

We got a chance to celebrate her in her new apartment, and I got to meet all the people that are important to her.

I love how God brings people together and creates a bond.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE SISTER

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's day!!!!

Today it is my prayer that each of you has someone who will tell you that you are the most important person in thier life. It is so much fun to watch others get all excited!!

Interestingly, this Valentine's day has not been a problem. In other years I have been miserable that I didn't have someone to lavish me with gifts. I have not had a Valentine since I was about 16- it just happens that way!

Today it occurred to me that I look at Valentine's Day like a holiday for a religion that I don't practice. I know it sounds odd but follow me here. During the Holidays occasionally I hear a "happy Hannukah", I am not saddened that I don't celebrate, nor am I offended that they included me in their good wishes, rather, I love to see people who are excited and waiting for a good thing to come.

I would be lying to you if I told you that I never want to be lavished with love on Valentine's day, or that at some point it would be great to have absurdly expensive flowers delivered to my desk making everyone jealous. For now though, I am happy to celebrate others' love!

Just feeling this way is a complete breakthrough, and an amazing testimony to God's healing and working in my life - that and I got an email from my Daddy saying he was thinking about me today!

Win Win Win... and I didn't have to play the game!!!

Many times, we have an idea that we pray about and get the 'go ahead' from God. We begin to form and idea in our minds and follow the course that based on that idea. Often we assume that the orignial idea is God's answer and that the end result will look a certain way.. sometimes that is right. More often though, the original idea is the catalyst for a thought process that leads us to God's perfect will.

So often though we are SO committed to the original idea that there is no room for God to lead us in another way. It is in the waiting and leaving space for God to move that we find the true leading.

Here is a perfect example:

As you know I have been looking for a great Vacation.

There were 4 Main needs that I had for a vacation.... Beyond these 3 I truly didn't care.

1) Relaxation
2) Safety
3) Warmth
4) Value for money

In my mind, this meant a last minute cruise. These are safe, predictible, and WARM and relaxing. As you know though I don't have a passport. During the long wait, I was both adamant about doing what was needed to follow through on God's prompting and tempted to take the closed doors as meaning that I wasn't really supposed to go!

EXCEPT!!

Except that the enemy is STUPID and doesn't realize this isn't my first time around this mountain!!

There was a peace in my heart about going on this trip and I knew that I needed it even more than I wanted it!

I searched so may different options and brainstormed, always keeping in mind the objectives I had set for the vacation. I finally found the PERFECT spot. There is a resort in the Muskokas, along the water that offers amazing scenery. I know, I know it is not warm...or is it??? I booked a Villa with a Fireplace, a Jacuzzi, and livingroom. The resort has a beautiful spa... and the piece de resistance... DOG SLEDDING. I am going to spend 3 night sleeping, walking, reading and just being.

This option is completely safe, has warmth from the fireplace, the beauty of nature, and more than that..... a great deal. There is a kitchenette, so I will take food and save money. With the benefit of the good deal, I will be able to make repairs to my car that will take me through the rest of the year!

So it is a win, win, win, and I didn't even need to wait for the government to send me my passport! I will have it though for the Next time I want to travel.

The answer to my prayers were much different than I originally pictured, but in His amazing way He gave me above and beyond all I could have asked or imagined!

So remember, the end result doesn't always look the way you thought, but it will ALWAYS exceed your expectations!!!

There is a saying that in our 20's we are learning, in our 30's we acquire, ... I don't recall the other ones, until we get to the 50's & 60's, that is when, the saying goes, we begin to think about our legacy.





In the midst of this acquisition period of my life, I am constantly struck by legacies and the impact of an amazing life lived.
Sport is particularly good about celebrating legacies. Many times when I am in sitting in a sports arena I think of what those players think of as they step onto a the ice or field for the first time. I think about the little boys that became the men who get to live their dreams.
On Friday, I was at the Ottawa 67's game when they celebrated the coach's 2000th game. There were video tributes, and some of the Alumni from the first team that he coached. The picture you see above is the coach, Don Cherry, Ron MacLean, and some other dignitaries, and the captains from the 2 teams participating in the Ceremonial Puck Drop.
During all of the video tributes, the recurring message had very little to do with Hockey, and everything to do with molding young kids into quality adults. There was a passing mention of those who had gone on to play in the NHL, and extended coverage about alumni who had become pillars of the Ottawa community.
If we are to believe the media and the general population you would think that no one is concerned about anything but the best for them. I wonder what would happen if we raised our children to think of their legacy. I suppose we would have to TREAT them as if they carried a legacy. But in their lives.. What would that mean?
Perhaps sales of the Girls Gone Wild video series would drop off because there were no girls willing to flash for a t-shirt and dubious fame. Perhaps young men would look after their sisters and treat their girlfriends better. Perhaps they wouldn't do stupid things that teenagers do.
How would YOUR life be different? What would you pursue in order to define your legacy?
For me, I want the story of my life to be centered around a generosity that was defined by how I shared the gospel.

Lists

OK I have been tagged ( actually I was tagged awhile ago but I didn't get to this until now).

In the spirit of "get to know you" I will make 4 lists and answer some questions

Things I love
Things I hate
Things I want
7 interesting firsts about me

7 Things I love:
I love the laughter of children
I love the sound of running water
I love getting flowers (even from myself)
I love overhearing people saying nice things about me
I LOVE to give gifts
I love spending time just hanging out with my friends

7 Things I hate
I hate injustice
I hate inefficiency
I hate the lies of the enemy
I hate it when people see only my exterior and miss the true me
I hate it when I see only people's exterior and miss the true them
I hate falseness
I hate office politics when rules are unspoken or shifty.

7 Things I want
I want a puppy
I want a husband
I want kids
I want a professional writing gig
I want a vacation
I want my home to be full of love
I want new depths of intimacy with God

7 Firsts
The FIRST time God miraculously moved in my life I was only moments old
My First best friend's name was (and is) Heather, she lived down the street, and now lives in England, we are still in touch
My First time skydiiving was amazing
My first car was bought from my Grandmother who won it at a bank.
My first movie in a Theatre was E.T.
My first dog was a Golden Retriever named Ginger
I bought my First house last year.

Here are the questions:
1. What’s the most fun work you’ve ever done, and why? (Two sentences max)
Selling Cars, I got to interact with people everyday, drive cool cars, and participate in peoples' mjor life decision

2. Name one thing you did in the past that you no longer do but wish you did? (One sentence max)
Run, I used to run around everywhere, as a kid, I loved to be in motion

3. Name one thing you’ve always wanted to do but keep putting it off? (One sentence max)
Get married- It just never fits in the schedule!!! :-)
I am kidding..... Go back to school and get a degree

4. What two things would you most like to learn or be better at, and why? (Two sentences max)
I would like to be better at keeping in touch with people, and be better at accomplishing my goals

5. If you could take a class/workshop/apprentice from anyone in the world living or dead, who would it, be and what would you hope to learn? (Two more sentences, max)
I would love to take all the great leaders, and put them in room and just watch them work. I think that there is a lot to learn from the way great leaders approach things, no matter whether you agree with their course of action.

6. What three words might your best friends or family use to describe you?
Generous, Loyal, funny

7. Now list two more words you wish they described you as…
Thin and Married

8. What are your top three passions? (can be current or past, work, hobbies, or causes– three sentences max)
God- that one's obvious
Family- I am passionate about seeing the people I love in right relationship with one another and with God
Communicating-I work everyday at communicating. I love communcation whether it is written, spoken formal informal it doesn't matter. When communication is effective it can change the course of history

9. Write–and answer–one more question that YOU would ask someone (with answer in three sentences max)

What did you want to be when you grew up, and why?

I wanted to be a Jet pilot. Probably because my father and brother were into planes. I also knew that it was a male-dominated profession and I wanted to blaze a trail for women.

Updates and Fresh Starts

I cannot believe that it is February 1st already!
This has been quite the year so far, and it is only just begun.

This post will tie up some loose ends that I realized I have left hanging over the last few weeks.

1) Health related: I have been to the doctor, I have a very MINOR thyroid issue that we will be keeping an eye on. It is almost a non-issue that is how minor it is. I am sleeping better since getting the medication- even though I know it has not really had a chance to work as of yet. I suppose just having some resolution reduces the stress- Isn't that ironic!

2) Passport: I have not yet hear back regarding my passport. I have not decided where I am going to go yet. I am having a good time imagining all the fun things that I could do without a passport. I will have to use some creativity to get somewhere warn.

I have a testimony also.

I heard from my Aunt today. She lives in BC and I wish that we spent more time communicating. She has always been a great support and has always believed that I can do anything. She is a woman of diverse interests and talking to her, I always learn something new. I mentioned the article that I wrote for lifecentre.org and she took the time to read it! Although she doesn't attend church I appreciate so much that she was able to set that aside and encourage me in that!! It is so great to have people around who will speak a kind word no matter what.

God is good in His provision and I am looking forward to deeper and deeper things.

A long Wait

I arrived at the passport office today at 7:00AM! The office opened at 7:30 and it was a cold Monday morning. I thought that this would be a perfect time to go and take care of my passport. I headed down there with as much information as I could. I had some expectations about what I could and couldn't get done and the timeframes.

Recently, the US changed their rules about flying and you now need a passport, therefor there is a backlog.

As I came around the corner I was faced with a lineup....... a HUGE lineup.

When they opened the doors at 7:30 there were about 250 people in line in FRONT of me!!!! I couldn't believe it.

We did what any Canadian would do... banded together comrades in arms who had braved the cold to be in this place, laughed chatted, read our books and held in our frustration. I had a book (hardcover is a bad choice), a Magazine, my laptop and an empty bladder! I had prayed and given this time to God.

I am not a fan of lineups at the best of times, but this was nightmarish! Finally, at about 10:30 (that's right folks- 3.5 hours) I got IN THE DOOR. Then you go and wait.

This was a VERY trying time for me. There are a few things I don't like: wrong information, lineups, changes in a plan for really important stuff, and not being able to influence or find a creative way to get things done- I have learned that there is almost always another way!

I had done a lot of research on the website about requirements and options and expediting things along. My travel agent had told me not to book anything until I had my passport- which totally makes sense.

Here's what happened: first I had to call work and take 1/2 day emergency time-because I was this far I wasn't going to give up now!

As i get into the office and I am standing at the pre-screeners, she asks when I am planning to travel, when I told her she asked if I had proof I was travelling at that time. When I told her "No" she said that given the fact that I didn't have a ticket bought there would be no way to guarantee I would get my passport on time.

My response "WHO BUYS A TICKET FOR A FLIGHT THEY NEED A PASSPORT FOR WHEN THERE IS A BACKLOG AND NO GUARANTEES THAT THEY WILL HAVE A PASSPORT????" (I didn't yell- I just wanted to make my point in print!!!)

So I go and wait, and wait, and wait some more.

When I am finally served the officer at the wicket tells me a LONGER time frame than the pre-screener and we go through the same conversation.

At this point I am thinking "If I had known that, I would have spent the last 5 HOURS finding a trip and would have bought it online while I was waiting!!!!!!"

I tell her I want to pay the extra and expedite the passport- she says that they are not offering that anymore. I tell her I want to not have it mailed but go and pick it up (as I had seen 500 people do) , she said that they don't do that anymore!!!!!

The director decided last week that they couldn't handle the volume!!!

There was no sympathy, no empathy no NOTHING!!!!
She gave me a 1-800 # to track the status of my application. That would be great except I stood in line with a lady who had just stood in line BECAUSE SHE HAD CALLED 50 times last week and couldn't get through, but couldn't bear the thought of leaving her 6 year old son behind when they travelled to Disney THIS SATURDAY!!!!


So based on USELESS information, I have a USELESS ph# to track a passport that I might or might not get before I need it, but if I do happen to get it, there might not be space on the trip I want to take.

SUPER!!!!

Here's the kicker....... the ONLY reason I am even in need of a passport is because I am exhausted and STRESSED out!!!! This isn't helping.

So I have submitted my application and all I can do is wait-not my best quality :-)

As the day has gone by, I am beginning to wind down from the emotion... I am beginning to see how God is using this extreme SANDBLASTING moment to refine me... I am not gonna lie to you... it hurts and I hate it!

So now I reset my expectations, put on my thinking cap and come up with a contingency plan.

What is God going to do in this? He can-and will cause good to come out of this.

I was struck again at how often we do what we think is the "right" thing, and we step out in faith and perseverance. Occasionally though, things are not waht we expect. And honestly, if this is the worst I have to deal with this week, month, or year... really.

The scripture came to mind this evening.. "when you have done all that you can, stand"

The beginning of a Journey....

As you know, I feel I have been 'released' by God to take a vacation....
I thought that this was going to be a very fun & SIMPLE excercise.

I WAS WRONG!!!

The challenge is this: I don't have a passport- yet. With the new Fly rules into the US, you cannot cruise or fly without a passposrt. Everything that I am being told is that there is "no way" I will be able to get a passport in time.

I have done everything that I know to do to speed up the process. I entered it all online, but when I went to print it, the government's print server DIDN'T work!! It was jammed up with all of the procrastinators who waited to the last minute even though they knew they were travelling and needed a passport.

So with a 'short cut' taken away from me, I am here, at 6:24 AM having switched a shift to NOON, I am on my way downtown to present myself, my supporting documents and my Credit Card to attempt to get a passport.

I am working really hard to leave all of the details in God's hands. I have thought in my fatigue this weekend, that if it is this hard... maybe it isn't of God. However, I am learning that sometimes the things most worth having are working the hardest for (thanks Nic).

I will pursue this as long as it makes sense to do so, and then I will need to look at other options.

Off I go.... check out the timestamp Lori.... I think I beat you to the punch this morning :-)

A change in VOICE

I have been finding that my VOICE is changing. By that I don't mean physically, I have not revisted puberty- thank you Jesus! Rather, I mean that the way I want to communicate through this Blog has changed.

For a time, I was writing in the tone one might use in a diary. Soemtimes, I find that when I speak about situations in my life that have taught me something, the response is about the event not the lesson learned. I want to speak more to "you", and give more time for the lessons learned, and so occasionally it could sound like I am telling you what to do, or that I have it all together. Here is the *** DISCLAIMER*** I am under no delusion that I know everything, or that I have it all togehter.... I have learned some hard lessons and want to be able to share them.

I want this Blog to become a forum for discussion.. much like the post on Tithing, my view will differ from yours, or be completely off the mark (be careful I might test to see if you are paying attention!!) , I want to hear from you. I will try and do what others do for me... leave you with a thought provoking question.

So here is your call to action.... suit-up (thanks Barney!) and lets chat.

Amazing God!

I am so amazed when God meets an "over the top, too big to even ask for"... prayer request.
As anyone who has ever owned a home knows that there is ALWAYS something that needs doing, to be purchased, or paid off. It is a careful balance requiring timing and sometimes a little finesse! There is often little left for things like vacations, if unexpected money comes in, it usually is allocated before it has a chance to increase the balance on my account!

On my wish list for this year is to travel to somewhere warm and relaxing. It was an "if only" prayer, and not one likely to happen. I had been thinking a lot about a trip and how a true vacation would greatly improve my life. I have not been sleeping well and I have been living in a state of mild exhaustion. Just this morning I had decided that a vacation was enough of a good investment that I could take pull what I needed from my line of credit and work it out after my tax refund arrives. I felt really good about this, and there was a peace that comes when God is at work.

About halfway through the day we got word that the company had done so well compared to our goals that we are each getting a bonus. It is about double what I would need for a great vacation.

My immediate thought was all the "better" things that I could do with the money. However, I kept going back to the idea that I 'needed' to take this vacation. I called a couple of people close to me to find out about travel agents, I knew they were going to ask why and I was preparing myself for a pause as they thought of all the 'better' things I could do with the funds right now. Instead they both, without hesitation, said that it was a good idea!

So I make plans, and pray for the right price, the right place, the right activities and the 'right' to go (by that I mean that this will truly be the only use God has for the money).

I am so grateful to God!!!

It's that time of Year

We just got through Christmas, I had my birthday and it is Tax Season.
I thought this would be a great time to share what God has been doing in my life regarding Finances.

God is an amazing God and my provider. I believe that God uses something that is unique to each of us to teach us fundamentals. I love that God speaks to us in the language of our lives. When Jesus spoke to the fishermen, he used fishing parables, when He spoke to farmers He used farming parables, when God needs to get my attention it is usually through Finances.

I work in the Financial Industry, I grew up learning key financial principles and concepts from two of the most successful people I know. My mother taught me all about the different products, how they work, and how to use them succeessfully. My father modelled for us the principles of living on less than you make, and how the little things over a long time can add up to a lot.

He is the one who taught me how to think in a way that made me realize that the $1.00 Tea I bought at work each day, translates to 1 car payment per year.

With these 2 amazing people in my life, I felt pretty confident that I knew what I needed to do. But I forgot one MAJOR element.... GOD.

In my time of deepest need, God spoke to my heart and I realized that finances would be both a strength and a weakness. Sampson's hair gave him his strenghth, but it also became his downfall when his pride distracted him from his purpose.

I believe that for everyone there is a trait, ability or characteristic that can be like Sampson's hair in your life.

As I said, for me, it is finances. I have to keep short sin accounts with regards to money, I have to make sure that my motives are right and that I don't allow pride in my ability to and eagerness to give, get the best of me.

One of the practical ways that I keep the accounts short is by tithing on EVERYTHING that comes through my hands. I have had to get right into the details with this one.

A very specific example, is with my store and credit card points programs. I have become an absolute expert in milking the most out of all my points programs. I was adding it all up one day, and last year I "made" about $500.00 from points programs. I realized all of a sudden that this was a source of 'income' and that God expected ME to tithe on that amount.

I am not saying that you need to do that, but I needed to. Let's go back to the main point. You have something in your life that God uses to draw you in closer, have a deeper, more intimate walk with him..... you might think that you have done what God has asked, but perhaps there is yet another level that He wants to take you to in that.

What is it that God uses in your life??

The Best Birthday Ever!

Saturday was my birthday, and friday night I had the most amazing get together with a small group of close friends. We chatted, they blessed me and they brought all the food!!

It is amazing to see what God can do with a group of amazing ladies.

Thanks for all of you who came out! It was the best birthday!

See you next year :-)

Fulfillment of A Dream!

The article is up at Lifecentre's website!! I am so excited!

At Christmastime I was chatting with a member of the team that produced the Christmas Gala CD. I asked about her experience recording in the studio, her response was "it was a dream come true, a dream that I didn't even know I had!"

I feel the same way about this writing, this has untapped a dream and passion in me that I didn't realize the depth of before now!

Enjoy!

The Gauntlet has Been Thrown Down

It is a difficult thing to find out early in the month that the goals I set for the month at work will not be achieved and I will not qualify for my bonus.

This is especially frustrating since part way into the month I decided I wanted to reach for a moreaggressive goal, so I back tracked and made up the difference. It feels like all that hard work was for naught. My first response was, well, what is the point then? Why even try.

Normally, I would have given up and coasted through the rest of the month knowing that I get a fresh start in February. I had to stop my thoughts in their tracks and look at this situation from every angle. And I decided that I have a choice!!

I can choose to focus on rocking the other aspects of what I do, and to not lose my focus. Take it as a learning experience and move forward!

This is my opportunity to be Jesus in this situation. To persevere even when it is difficult, even when there is nothing "in it" for me!

For most of you, this attitude is par for the course, for me though it represents a major shift in my thinking.

In everyother way this WILL BE a STELLAR month at work!

Buttons and Bg Dreams

I went yesterday and bought an "EASY' button.

All day as I tackled projects in spite of my fatigue I 'rewarded' myself by pushing the button, and it made me want to do something else.... more than that it made me SMILE!!!


Something else that I am very excited about, and one that fits in the "Harvest" catagory! I am excited to let you know that I was asked to write an article that will be posted on Life Centre's website!!

With this, it feels like a door has been opened and it is the beginning really exciting things to come!

The simplicity of achievement

I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I do some of the things that I do. Whether it is stay up too late, eat too much, not keep my house the way that I would like to, or why I don't do so many of those thousand things we need to do each day to be really productive. I will often make a list of things to get done, and then for no good reason abandon it in favour of wathcing TV, or something else equally useless.

The oddest part of all of this is when I do have a very productive day, the feeling of accomplishment in that can fuel me for a week!

I realized by looking around me that a big trend is not finishing projects. A closet half organized, a home improvement project done to about 99%, but with wall plates left off or tools out. Someone once told me that it was likely a fear of failure, that as long as something isn't done, I can talk about the potential (Don't forget, I am a vision caster and a big ideas person), without having to face the perhaps getting a bad response to the final product.

At work, recently we have instituted the use of an "easy" button. Just like in the Staples commercials. When pressed it says in that voice "That was Easy". We use it to mark each sale that we make. It provides recognition for each person who pushes it, but more than that, each time I hear it, I do think "that WAS easy". It is amazing when you hear "That was EASY" 60-80 times a day, it begins to resonate in your mind and it can creep into your spirit.

I recently read an article about the science of procrastination!! **
Here is part of it:

[Dr] Steel has also come up ...... with a formula he's dubbed Temporal Motivational Theory, which takes into account factors such as the expectancy a person has of succeeding with a given task (E), the value of completing the task (V), the desirability of the task (Utility), its immediacy or availability (Ã) and the person's sensitivity to delay (D).It looks like this and uses the Greek letter Ã:

Utility = E x V/ÃD
** http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2007/01/formula-for-procrastination.html

It is not necessary that you follow and absorb all of the above, but take away just this. As you know from math class, any number that you multiply by Zero will always be the same..... ZERO

Based on this formula E is the value representing the expectation of success. If your expectation of success is very low than you are more likely to procrastinate.

My plan is to continure to convince myself of my ability to accomplish each task as it comes up, and to keep the refrain in my head "That was Easy!"

You know what... Add that to the list.... I am going to buy an EASY button!

Later!

Captivated!

Something great happened today that makes me fall in love with God a little more!
As you know, my New Year's Resolution is to become Captivated by God.

In recent months I have felt very "cared for" by God. Things that I am responsible for are sometimes done for me, or things that have been difficult, are suddently easier. I try and mak sure to give credit where credit is due.

This morning, as I walked out the door, I realized that someone had shoveled my walk for me! This was not the first time it had happened! It frustrates me to not know who to say "Thank You" to, but I know that God will bless them for doing that.

More than ever before, I am feeling taken care of. Let me tell you, as a single woman, it means the world to me.

Thank You Lord!

More Harvest news!

As promised, I will, over the next little while, delve into the many areas in my life that are experiencing a harvest!

For some time, I have been feeling as though I need to go deeper in God and with God. And in that knowledge I realized that I cannot do this alone and have been looking around for a mentor who would be able to walk alongside me. As I thought of myself and my personal style I realized that the normal mentoring method of meeting over coffee, pouring out my heart doesn't really suit me. I learn from hearing how others who are successful so things, and from discussing specific situations to find the principle.

On another note I began writing this blog as an opportunity to write and share with others. OVer the course of this process there developed a community of Bloggers who share comments and thoughts. Sometimes something another blogger writes about will spark something that I will chew on and then perhaps blog about what God speaks to me regarding this idea.

I have found that as I am getting 5-6 different points of view each day, I begin to see patterns that emerge in what God is doing in other's lives. I particularly love Lori and Jay's individual blogs! I am never at a loss for interesting questions to ponder.

With Lori's blog there is always lots of scripture and encouragement, Jay's blog is full of profound, high level thoughts as they relate to leadership, hockey, and Apple! On Tracey's Blog, I am getting an inside look at the challenges that even the most amazing marriages face. With Three Beautiful Things, I am reminded that everyday there is something good in each day. There are so many others.... all of which add to the joy of my day.

Of course this list is neither exhaustive nor complete.. please don't be offended if I didn't mention your blog.

I began to realize that I was getting glimpses into the lives that I hold in such high regard, and by investing in thier blogs, they are investing in me! How great that God would allow me to be mentored by so many amazing things. Know that if I have left a comment or a response on your blog it is because what you do truly makes a difference. There are days when an encouraging thought that someone shares, changes the course of my day and causes my heart to become even more Captivated by God!

Harvest Time

This year is starting out really well!!

I had written a great post a couple of days ago and for some reason it didn't post! It was profound, and now it is gone!! :-)

Here we go again

Already this year I am starting to see the harvest of all the hard work over the last few years!!
There are hopes and dreams that I have had on my heart that are beginning to come to fruition.

I am surrounded by amazing people and for the first time in a long time, I have a solid group of friends of many ages and stages. There are those in my life who are mentoring, some are walking the same path and others are a couple of steps behind because of their stage of life. I love that I am able to be poured into and to pour into others.

I have intentionally sought to have balance in the giving and recieving.

It feels like a breakthrough year!!

Breakthroughs in Finance, LOVE, Friendship, Intimacy with God, I am starting to see some of my dreams beginning to come true!!

As we walk through this year, I will seek to be very attuned to those harvest moments and I will share them with you.

A mid-winter re-run!

Given the nature of the season I thought this would be a good reminder:


I would love to say that I went on vacation to some remote and exotic spot and found my sanity and came home with tanlines, digital pictures and maybe some stories to tell, but I have not been away in quite a while. No the vacation that I refer to is someone else's.

As a homeowner I have had to deal with all sorts of creatures: squirrels who like the cotton on the inside of my BBQ cover, a spider who live in my kitchen window - I have named her Charlotte - and the unknown animals whose droppings appear in the oddest places; but nothing could have prepared me for the biggest annoyance to anyone's life. The saddest part of this whole story is that I brought some of them with me when I moved in!

These horrid creatures that I refer to are the "shoulds". Let me tell you all about them. By day, the are adorable and cuddly and have the shape of good plans and intentions. When you think about the shoulds during the day you can be comforted and optimistic. I speak of course of those good things to do that rise us above the level of just existing. Things like: I should make cookies for my neigbour. I should clean out the guest room closet. I should research furnaces before mine dies so that I don't have to make a hasty decision before the snow flies. The shoulds are not things that you have to do like get up and go to work, pay your bills, or shower. Shoulds are all those things that you think separate you from all those poeple who have it all together.

I have a theory that Martha Stewart is the Queen of the Shoulds she brought them into our lives and they have taken over. It is all that pressure to do the things that we think will make us better people. During the day.... no problem, we make our lists and our plans and we feel all warm and fuzzy that we have the ambition to think of it!

The problem happens in the dark. There is a genetic mutation in the Shoulds, that causes them to turn evil and mean when the sun goes down. They become these ugly, hissing beings that crawl into bed with you and whisper things in your ears. Things like "you should have washed the floor today" or "that thank you note you meant to write, is too late now, you should have done it sooner" and they lie to you and ask "who will ever love someone who lives in a messy house" or "How will God ever trust you with more? You bought lunch when you should have packed it."

My house seemed to be the epicentre of the global infestation of the shoulds, and the problem seemed only to get worse the more I tried to ignore it. The shoulds were torturing me, clinging to my clothes and dragging me into their sick little reality. the house, the car, the hair, the weight, the job, the shallow relationship with God...... there seemed to be no end to the ways that I was failing dramatically..... to hear it from their perpective, you would think that I was no better than a reprobate sinner, who cheated little old ladies out of their life savings. The evidence around me didn't support the argument, but I believed the lies anyway.

The whole purpose of the Shoulds is to keep you off your "game", to sabotage what success you DO have by focussing on what you missed. Kind of like a parent whose first response to a grade of 98% asks "What happened to the other 2%?". I think as women we do this to ourselves so much. As single women it carries the weight of negating our "qualification" to ever find love and happiness- so it is a double whammy!

As I said, I was mired in the Shoulds to the point that I couldn't even see the good things that had nothing to do with my performance, it was just all bad. And then during one particular phone call with Nicolle (amazing friend by the way), she suggested that I not be so hard on myself and that I could let a few things slide. All of those shoulds that don't matter and have nothing to do with financial obligation or safety. Since I was already good at justifying my way out of housework etc, I figured that I had the basic skill to accomplish this particular mission, just let it go. So off I went with a new sense of purpose getting rid of the shoulds.

Day 1: "You should clean the kitchen" said the should on duty.

"I don't FEEL like it" I replied

"What if someone sees the mess, what will they think of you?"
(Here's where it gets good.)

I said "I DON'T CARE! What are they going to do? Stop being my friend because there are some dishes in the sink?"
And then....
Silence.....

I had rendered the should silent!

Day 2: "You should vacccuum"

"No, I don't want to" I replied, and paused.

This time though, when I paused, I thought of all my favourite people, and I tried to imagine them coming into my house with an unvaccuumed floor, and what their response would be. Amazingly enough, I couldn't think of one important person who would stop being my friend because I hadn't vaccuumed!!!!

The should had no response... he just turned and walked away

Day 3: I was at work, and it was almost lunchtime. I had started having co-workers over for lunch, they would bring thier lunches and we would eat together- but normally I would do a mental check of the state of my house before inviting them over. On this day, the house was a mess-I had been ignoring the shoulds. I took a big risk and invited them over. Guess WHAT! No one mocked me, or ran screaming from my house, and they all thanked me for my hospitality!!

When I got home that evening, the shoulds were all lined up at the door, suitcases in hand, and announced that they simply couldn't work under these circumstances and that they would be leaving for vacation, and that I was on my own. And so I was free from the shoulds, for a time.

So there was peace. After a time, the shoulds returned. But an interesting thing had happened while they were away. A colony of want tos moved in! They applied for permanent residency. The shoulds were a little upset, but then they realized that when they work together with the want tos, more gets done, I am happier and we all sleep better at night. And somewhere, the Queen of the Shoulds abdicated her throne and is enjoying life immensly.

Things that Last

One of the headlines on CNN.com read: Ford remembered for his Inegrity. Another reported that Ford chose to keep his faith private and it cost him the 1976 election.




Even in these crazy times where there is a battle against all that we believe and when the media would tell us that society no longer embraces the values of goodness, piety, virtue and integrity, something serves to remind us that God raises and topples Presidents, Kings and Dictators. He is ultimately the King and that His ways will prevail. I believe that in our inmost beings we are attracted to the things of God- the things that last, even though our sinful nature tries to convince us otherwise.

I am so grateful that, when my eyes are open to see, all around me there are reassurances that this "narrow" road I am walking is leading me where I want to go... straight to the heart of God.

It is my prayer that through the celebration of Ford's legacy, even the people with the most selfish motivations will see what lasts and what brings acclaim is integrity.

God has captured my attention! :-)

BTW: If you are looking for some real-time mentoring and some scriptural edification about the perfection of God and His ability to complete the work He started in You, Lori is doing a series. Start Here and work your way through it!

Exercising my Perogative

There is a phrase that says "It is a woman's perogative to change her mind"- heard first from my mother. Today I would like to exercise my right to do so today.

My last post (read it) said that I was resolving not to make any resolutions. However, God has once again stepped in and moved something around in my heart and life!! I am so glad that He did, but it necessitates a new direction.

Saturday night I had a night out with a pair fabulous women. We chatted-as women are wont to do- about a variety of subjects. The book Captivating is close to all of our hearts because we have all recently gone through it with our life groups- if you havn't read it.... take the opportunity, I promise it will change your life. We discussed a number of aspects of the book and our New Years Resolutions. The part of the book that hits me each time I read it, I the part about feeling like too much and too little at the same time. It is because of the insights gained from the book that much of the clutter of "should do" has been removed and I am taking a realistic approach to what can and cannot be accomplished- and influenced my previous resolutions.

It is an amazing book that allows you to realize how "Captivated" God is by YOU. Not what you do or not in spite of what you don't do.... HE is CAPTIVATED by YOU, period, end of though....


As I drove home that night, I know that one of the ladies was praying for me (because she told me!) and as I drove and prayed and cried a little about what we had shared, an amazing peace came over me. The hurting that I felt was calmed and the peace turned to thanksgiving.... for who God is and what He has done.

And then it came to me...... I want to become CAPTIVATED by GOD!!!

Instead of seeking His will and purpose, His direction and His teaching.... I am going to seek HIM.

I began to thing about what happens when something- or someone- captivates your attention. I wondered if that can be purposefully nurtured into captivation. Indeed it can. If you think of something or someone who captivates you, go back to the very beginnings of that relationship. Something caught your eye and heart initially and then you seek out opportunities not only to be with that person but to learn more about them. Your radar goes up and is acutely aware of everything that is even remotely related to that subject or person.

That is my plan also.... be on the lookout and search out WHO God is.

The fun part is that since we can only love God because He FIRST loved us, I know that HE will find opportunities to jump out of the perverbial bushes and show Himself to me in new ways-in fact on Sunday, one of the scriptures Jay preached on was "seek first the kingdom"- what better way to get a glimpse of the kingdom that to get to know the KING.


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Resolving to not Resolve

There is a saying that the one trait you fall in love with someone for is likely the trait that will drive you the most crazy during your life. In this journey of seeking to fall in love with who God made me I am finding this out firsthand!

I suppose it is the same with everyone.... that drive for success and attention to detail can morph into destructive perfectionism, or the carefree adventure seeker can become a nomadic person who never buckles down and actually accomplishes anything lasting. I suspect that you all have a trait about yourself that is both an asset and a liability.

I am a big-ideas person! I love to take a small idea and develop a wide-ranging plan. I can see the pre, during, and post event or situation details that shoud not be overlooked. In my head I immediately start solving the potential roadblocks that could develop and the resources needed to overcome. I can see how a grassroots idea can become a multi-faceted national movement.

I can hear you thinking.........and this is bad... why???

Well, when this skill set is turned inward... it can create havoc.

In past years I have resolved to change my ENTIRE ife... Diet, Excercise, Devotions, Friendships, Housekeeping, Finances-you name it. I can come up with a great plan to spend less time in front of the TV and more time "taming" my flesh. Plans are made-sometime they even include stickers!- and off I go gung ho to see my life turn around.

And then I get out of bed a little late on January 2nd. Too late to take that early morning walk that I have promised myself I will take! But I am OK.... then that afternoon at work, the Chocolate Croissants call out to me at the cafe line. Suddenly with the flash of my credit card that I have resolved not to use, I buy the croissant I have resolved not to eat, and spend money that I have resolved not to spend, I am even further in an excercise deficit- remember, I skipped my morning walk! The croissant is flakey and I get chocolate on my shirt, now I have laundry piling up...... and I have once again, broken a promise to myself, God, and now my devotional time becomes what it too often does.... a time of repenting again and complaining again.

It becomes literally a domino effect. Because I tend to make sweeping multi-faceted plans, a failure in one area results in a catastrophic failure in every area and my whole plan is shot.

I realize that this is a completely overblown response, but I realize it is how I am wired.

This year, the hardest resolution that I will make is to NOT make resolutions. I want to look at this year as a marathon, not a sprint.

My deepest desire this year is to have God be my provider and guide. To stop overthinking everything and just be a Child of the King- but I am not making it my resolution!

Happy New Year

Christmas

I am so excited about this Christmas!!!

I have had to remind myself everyday that is actually is Christmas. The weather here has been..... ODD. I am not complaining. I truly don't mind not slogging through the snow, or having to scrape off my car... again! But it is easy to forget. Despite the trimmings and the shopping .... and the cleaning.

I am hosting Christmas this year. Everyone is coming to me. I have been thinking about this for a couple of months now, and I am excited about the prospect- and a little nervous.
Last month I was sick for a couple of weeks, and so I fell behind in the cleaning department. Also, I have been in my house for almost a year, so there are some things that in all the busyness have been forgotten.... ceiling fan blades, spiderwebs in the occasional corner... normal stuff. There are cupboards whose contents don't make any sense but I haven't needed them for anything else, so I have left stuff where it got shoved during the first few months of unpacking.

With the one year anniversary of my move coming up, I am also finally feeling "settled" in-until recently, I still had a couple of boxes that I would move around as I needed the space they were occupying! I am starting to think a lot about paint colours, and I feel like I "know the place" now. And as I see what I want to change with paint and pillows and perhaps a hammer, I also am beginning to see the flaws.

I suppose it is that way with everything. In the newness of any situation, you don't see the details, and that is good, however the challenge becomes staying content when those flaws start to appear.

I have had to fight the urge to take on major projects in the last month or so, projects that would never be ready for Christmas, but which would make ME look like such a domestic DIVA at Christmas. In keeping with the spirit of this year I have decided to just bite off what I can chew!

I will admit that I have done more cleaning that would be normal, and done a lot of rearranging to make room and to 'clean' my spirit and get ready for the new year.

It got me thinking today, we know that Christmas is coming, we count down the days, deep clean our homes and our spirits- I know you behave in December just in case Santa is peeking!
A new dress, new sparkly earrings, perhaps a pair of strappy sandals, new napkins, special table cloth, new recipes, all to make this special time more beautiful- and so we should!

I wonder, though, what would have happened if the world had known the exact date of Jesus' birth.

Likely the Jewish leaders would have made sure to have the nicest hotel room available - perhaps have a royal physician standing by for the birth. As Jesus grew up he likely would have attended all of the best schools.

If the world had known at the time who He was likely we would have never met the woman at the well, He wouldn't have needed to cross the lake to the other side to get a moment's rest from the crowds, and might never have calmed the waves. He certainly wouldn't have been "allowed" to choose 12 ordinary young men to walk with Him everywhere. Zacheas likely wouldn't have needed to be in a tree because he had the money to buy the front row seats that likely would have been on sale- and so no life changing public calling.

So much of Jesus ministry could not have taken place had "the church" accepted Him as messiah earlier... in fact, they wouldn't have had cause to put Him to death! One of the most amazing things that I have come to appreciate about God is His ability to take us as we are.

So this Christmas season stop for a moment and everytime you see a "flaw" let it remind you that God knows every flaw, and that if we were too "clean" He would have no reason to stick around and guide us day to day!

The Big 40!!!

I just realized that this will be my 40th post! There is a lot of Biblical significance to the number 40. As you know it rained for 40 days and 40 nights in Noah's days, the Isrealites wandered in the wilderness for 40 before reaching the promised land.

This time in my life has been both stormy and like the wilderness. While I would never equate my life with an entire generation dying in the desert after being rescued from slavery, I can see some parallels. This has been a growing time, and a time of frustration while I learn to rely on God and sometimes I forget what He has done even just yesterday to provide for me and take me one step closer for the promised land!!

How easy it is to forget from one day to the next the miraculous things that God does day by day. One of the benefits of Blogging is that it forced me to document those all to easily forgotten moments that occur throughout the day.

It is my desire to always see the God and the good in every situation.

There seems to be a common thread to all of the 40's in the Bible. Coming out of each situation there was a promise from God for massive change and growth and progress, but always carried with it the command of God to not forget to say thank you.

Noah built an altar to the Lord, and the Isrealites built a temple as a lasting reminder that God was in their presence. I will build around myself a lifestyle of thankfulness, and for those times that I forget, a wall of people who will remind me!

This is a milestone, a marked moment in my life. I am believing for a turning point, a reaping of what has been sown over the last years. I can almost see over the horizon........ just one more moment......... just wait, I'll tell you when I see it!!

Events in Contrast

Tonight I had the amazing opportunity to attend a celebration for the best Pastor in the World! Pastor Barry is an amazing man with an amazing Legacy of service, wisdom and laughter. He has been all over the world and touched so many lives. We are truly blessed to follow Christ under his leadership. It is because of his pastoring and vision that I have been accepted and had opportunities that I never thought I would have ever experienced.

Tonight we gathered to celebrate his birthday with some of the most amazing people; Leaders in business, ministry, service, all with 3 things in common: Christ, The Life Centre and Pastor Barry... in that order of priority! We heard messages of congratulations from all over the world, names you would recognize and some that you wouldn't. All spoke of the value of the legacy that is Pastor's life!! We were family in that room all a piece of the tapestry of The Life Centre.

No one outside of the church walls would understand what it meant.

When I compare this event to the one last week where I met our Prime Minister and rubbed shoulders with the "Glitterati" of our fair city, business leaders and policitans local celebrities and "known" faces. The food was on par, the beauty of each event enough to take your breath away. But there was a major difference.

In the air at the Breakfast was the smell of "agenda" and a frenetic need to see and be seen. There was nothing familliar, or famillial about the breakfast.

With all of the influence and money in that room there was nothing that would impact in eternity. Even the gifts and the donations that were given will fall to the wayside when motives of the heart are weighed in. No amount of money could buy the influence that Pastor Barry carries in his humility.

As I sat in the family atmosphere, looking at all the faces and knowing so many stories and seeing so much of what God has done in so many lives, I realized that if I had the opportunity to choose the quiet, steady rise to influence of ministry or the glittering influence that is so surface.... well I guess that is an easy answer.

Goodbye fame and hello legacy.

THAT, I suppose is the best gift I can give to my favourite Pastor!!!

Happy Birthday Pastor Barry!

Photgraphic Proof

As promised, here is the picture....

That is me on the Right

Rubbing Shoulders

I just had the most amazing experience!!
As a thank you for some volunteer work that I did this year I was invited to a major fundraising even for the Ottawa Food Bank. It was a fancy affair, many dignitaries were there and lots of "known" people serving the buffet. I went with some work colleagues who had all contributed throughout the year.

At one point it was announced that the Prime Minister was in the building and we decided that we were going to go and meet him and try to get a picture. As we went over there was the usual security contingent and as we tried to jockey to get close, a woman with a walkie-talkie asked what we were doing. I told her what we wanted, her response was "I don't think that's gonna happen" as if somehow we were not good enough!! Well that just made us more resolved to make it happen!

I turned to get a better position, and out of the corner of my eye I realized that one of the men in my group was standing posed with the Prime Minister!!! I stepped in behind them and got in the picture. Mr Harper was very patient as someone in our group tried to take a picture with a disposable camera! Once, twice three times he tried as we were there, suddenly, an official man with a beautiful camera stepped in and took an OFFICIAL Parliamentary photo!

Before walking away, Mr. Harper stopped, looked me in the eye, asked my name and said "it was nice to meet you Laura".

As soon as I have a copy of the photo, I will post it here!

There is a lesson to be learned here! Seizing an opportunity that is presented can often net a bigger success than you were willing to settle for.

Isn't that just like GOD? I went to the event hoping to see some famous faces, perhaps flirted with a Hockey player or two. I would have been excited to grab a grainy, out of focus, picture as the Prime Minister walked past, and yet here we were POSED for an official photo!

I have been constantly reminded lately through circumstances and situations, that our God is not the God of just enough. He is the God of the ABUNDANT blessings that we cannot even imagine. If we are humble and not presumptuous, He will take what we ask and multiply it!

For you, meeting the PM might not be a big deal, but there is something else that you are wanting. It is good to believe God for enough, but maybe just maybe He has an unforgettable moment in store!

Life Questions

Have you ever had a moment when someone asks you something that hits at the core of your being? That place that remains covered because you are afraid of what COULD be inside? Kind of like that Tupperware container in the back of your fridge!

Well, I had 2 moments like that this week! How good is God that He goes digging when He knows you are ready? Like waiting for a sliver to work its way out so that the pain is bearable. However, like a sliver it can also be uncomfortable for a time.

The first question was posted on Lori's Blog and accompanied by an amazing peom by Leah. The question was "What does God see when He looks at you?"

For some reason when I started to think about the fact that God knows everything about me, I started to panic. For as long as I can remember there was something I felt like I needed to hide about myself. As a family we did a lot of hiding. We hid our discontentment, we hid our dysfunction, and we hid our dislike for one another, because families don't show that stuff to outsiders. A few years ago, I realized that I had carried that into my adult life. There was so much about myself that I felt I needed to keep hidden, things like my insecurities, my fears and my failures. The thing that I feared the most was that someone would find out that I wasn't who I wanted people to think that I was and that they would get to know me and not like what they saw.

I suppose that fear was somewhat logical, in that I knew all about me and I didn't like myself, so why would someone else who has no obligation?

A few years ago that changed dramatically, and has been changing ever since. As God often does when we are finally ready, he allowed circumstances in my life which resulted in me not being able to hide anymore. I was like the Wizard of Oz "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain"... keep believing the charade!! I didn't think that I could survive, and I held my proverbial breath as the world was exposed to the real me; the fearful, insecure, desperate to be loved little girl.

While all this was happening, I was ready to be all alone and unloved after the dust settled. I was prepared to go on with only God and to rebuild from the ground up.

As is often the case, my fear proved to be stronger in it's potential than in the reality. In walking out my challenges, I found a support system that I didn't know existed. And in my transparancey and vulnerability people came to stand beside me, attracted by the authenticity of my life.

In being real for the first time, I think that it created an open door for people to enter and be at rest. No one wants to be in the presence of someone who has it all figured out, but they can connect to the hurt and the pain. In the last five years, I have developed the best friendships I have ever known, I have grown in my family relationships and through the realistic view of myself God has brought me through amazing times of growth. If you had told me then where I would be in my life, I never would have believed you!!

There is still a part of me that wants to hide the imperfection especially from God, all I want is for Him to be proud of me.

I know that He is proud of me. When He looks at me I know that he smiles at my antics, weeps at the lies I believe about myself, and most of all he is excited about what is coming next in my life. I think of God as a parent with a gift that they are excited to give their child. I almost cannot wait for Christmas because I know how much people will love the gifts I give them!!

I know that God sees my generous, giving heart, and the strength of Character. He sees my deep desire to be a woman of integrity and kindness. I think that he sees me for all that I can be. When he looks at me He sees someone who can change the world!

Most of all when He looks at me, He sees His own handprint from the moulding and shaping.

Imperfection vs. Perception

As Christians we often feel the weight of the higher standards that God holds us to. You all know what I mean! Turning the other cheek, making the first move when asking for forgiveness.

If I unintentionally hurt someone's feelings, I feel so bad FOR DAYS.
If I underachieve at work, guilt and questions come to mind about what witness I am leaving with those around me.

I know that God is not that way, that He is slow to anger and he calls us higher for our own good.

There are a couple of natural examples of what I mean. I am looking to adopt a dog. Thousands of people who work full time have perfectly happy and healthy dogs, however EVERY time I talk to the Shelters about my life, I am not a good match for the dog because I work full time and live in a townhouse. Are you kidding me???? These are dogs whose owners have abandoned, abused, neglected them and I am not a good option for a dog owner????

I am also looking to "adopt" a husband! :-) I have often had conversations with people about a specific man I am interested in, and almost without execption eventually it comes to "you are probably physically not what he is looking for" meaning those extra pounds of fellowship and comfort sitting around my hips and waist make me unsuitable!

Now let's get real... although handsome in their own right, NONE of these men that I have been interested in would even be a LONG SHOT to appear on the cover of GQ magazine. WHO are THEY??? It is so frustrating that with all of the other great things about me- things I have worked hard to develop in my life, THIS one item that we are all supposed to be looking beyond, is the ONE reason that disqualifies me somehow. I hear others around me who are mean to their men, or disrespectful and I wonder why do they get to be imperfect and still get married but I can't?

At work it is the same thing. I will be qualified for a job in every area but one small detail, a detail that would be no issue to learn, but somehow THAT is what makes the difference, even though I know that the person who got the job has an issue with integrity.

I am so tired of feeling like any dog or man would have made a concession to be in my life. (I am actually not equating the two of them, I am just dealing with the 2 issues at the same time!) I am frustrated with coming up just a little short it seems all the time- mostly I am frustrated because it seems like the standards for me are higher than for everyone around me.

It is difficult to remember in those moments that God is sovereign and that He has a plan and a purpose, that there is a great dog, man, job for me!! I know that especially with the man, that God is crafting one especially for me and is crafting me for that special one. I know that when the moment is right, God will cause our hearts to be captured with one another and it truly won't matter what either of us looks like!!!

And life gets a little messy!

Leaving Space for God

Today we had an absolutly AMAZING talk at church! Check out lifecentre.org for the download. It was the begining of my favourite season of the whole year- Christmas!

As is his usual style Pastor Jay looked beyond what would be a good and regular sermon about Christmas, and delved deeper. We started by looking at Joseph and the choice that he had to make regarding what his response to Mary's news would be.

What I took from today's talk is making space for God.

If you weren't there, essentially Joseph had, quite nobley, decided that he was going to divorce Mary quietly to protect her as much as he could. Following the decision God spoke to him and the rest- as they say- is history!

I have often experienced frustration and confusion when seeking the Lord for His guidance in life's circumstances. The teaching we hear most of the time is "wait on God for the answers" so it becomes this process of expecting God to speak in OUR timing. There have been situations where a deadline has been looming, I feel as though I haven't heard from God and so I have to pull the trigger and make the decision and "hope for the best". It never has felt like a good or a GOD way to live. The people in the Bible didn't lock themselves in a room waiting for the step by step of how He wanted them to change the world. They simply walked in humility and with ears open to the redirection of God.

I have always believed that God has equipped us with brains and creativity for a reason, and that when we use our giftings in PARTNERSHIP with God's direction that we will ALWAYS find the path to His will.

So I have often had to take a step without "feeling" God's presence but always with the conviction of His directing love and purpose- and MOST importantly, with those open ears to discern if something is not where God wants me to go. I used to think that I was getting lucky with some of my choices and for all the rest that it was up to God to "redeem" them for His good purpose..... you know that scripture"ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord". I always kind of figured that God was getting quite the workout with me running all over the place making decisions that He was going to have to figure out how to "work out for good", but I see with some perspective that distance- and age- bring that God was there all along.

This idea of leaving space for God in between the decision and the action..... it really jives with what I believe about the Character of God and His desire to see us grow and mature, but to always allow His input.

It is nice to know that the further along I am in my walk, the more I realize I am on the right track!

Christmas Time is here

I am one of those obnoxious people who is just waiting for Christmas- counting down the days.
My shopping is almost all done, and my cards are stamped and waiting for a reasonable date to send them out. It is not that I am overly organized, I am just excited about Christmas. I love the music, the family, the gifts (giving more than getting!) and mostly I enjoy the anticipation.

Christmas is not always happy for those around us. So many people have no place to be; by choice or by circumstance. For a time in my life every Christmas was stressful and bittersweet. Mainly it marked the passing of another year as a single person. The only gift my heart desired couldn't be wrapped in paper or tied with ribbon. I allowed what I didn't have to rob me of the experiece I did have, sitting right there in front of me.

It wasn't until I took my eyes off my own situation and looked around that I realized there were those whose lives I could touch quite easily in the Christmas season. Like we recently learned it is the "Upside Down" way of God. If you give you will recieve.

This year I am taking it to a higher level. I have decided to host my family, in their many and varied configurations-seriously I think Middle East peace talks have fewer logistical issues- and just simply give back in all the ways that I have been blessed in the past.

By opening up my home to my family, I get an opportunity to give, and I am finding that this is the first year that my Christmas list of gifts to buy far exceeds my own requests!

This year Christmas is a time for reflection about how full and amazing this year was, and how different my life is compared to this time last year. Who would have believed it???

As you set out on your Christmas shopping this year, wrapping gifts, and cleaning for the endless parade of people who will enjoy and appreciate, just think of how blessed you are to have the ability to do all of those things!

Good News

As a follow up to my previous post: When the Reaction is not the Response, I recieved my test results and all is well!!

God is good, our healthcare system is frustrating, I am relieved!

Full House, Happy House

Last night I had the amazing privilege of being someone's "soft place to fall". A good friend was having difficulty with a couple of situations and chose to entrust me with her questions and concerns. After chatting for a long while, she did something that blessed me more than I can say..... she asked if I minded if she crashed on my couch!!

It has always been my heart to have a home where people feel safe, loved, and completely at ease. That she even asked was indication that I have been successful in that area. We got her all settled on the couch, and arranged the morning bathroom logistics with the roommates. This morning though, there was a different feel to the house. As I got up and got ready, the house felt full of people, not full like tripping all over each other, but just warm full, like you feel after a great dinner with fantastic people. It felt like all was well with the world!! I imagine that is what moms feel when their adult kids are back for a visit.

I am so grateful that inspite of my singleness, that God allows me to flex my maternal muscles and feel the fulfillment that comes from investing in others. It has reminded me that so often we limit God in how we think that He will accomplish what He wants to accomplish in our lives.

There is a deep desire at the core of my being to be a wife and mother, that has never changed. I spent a long time feeling like I was being shortchanged by God. I felt like He was being cruel for making me this way, with the desire for kids and a husband, yet without the husband, no kids, no legacy, no fulfillment, no using my core giftings. In my mind, this meant that I was condemned to an unfulfilled life. I am sure that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way. Felt like their dreams and life's passion hinges on an event or position or situation that they have no input into changing.

But think of that... we ARE talking about God here. He is not cruel, not capricious, nor is He a puppeteer who seeks to mess with our heads and hearts. A good friend asked me a hard but good question, he asked me if perhaps my desire for kids and a husband was actually a desire to invest in and love people. He suggested that perhaps this picture that I had created in my mind about what the fulfillment of my dreams would look like was just my finite mind trying to find a way to paint a picture. He dared to suggest that if I never got married or had kids that I COULD still fulfill the deepest longings of my heart to see my life have impact.

My soul struggled to admit that what he was saying was true as my mind tried desperately to find a loophole in this suggestion that would still guarantee me a wedding!!! It took a moment to quiet the shouting voice in my head that was hanging onto my good dream to realize that perhaps he was right, that God has a Best dream for me.

From that time to today, I have sought to intentionally fulfill the calling of God on my life... to invest and make a difference in people's lives. It is amazing that the more loveI give and the more I invest in others, the more I have to give- AND I get to see my dreams fulfilled in the process.

Does this mean I will never get married? I HOPE NOT!!! I HOPE THAT it comes soon, but I no longer am left to wait with my dreams on hold.

THIS is the abundant life Jesus talks about when He says " I have come to give you Life, and Life more abundantly..... "

If there are dreams in your life that feel conditional on external forces that you have no control of, I encourage you.... take a step back and find the deeper calling, maybe you will be surprised that the answer to your prayers is closer than you thought.

When the reaction is not the response!

They say that anger is a secondary emotion. No one really is angry because they are angry. People get angry as a bi-product of another emotion.

Have you ever gotten angry at someone who cut you off? Been mad at your spouse for making you worried because they were late and didn't call? Lashed out at a friend because they embarrassed you?

Over the last few weeks, I have been sick with bronchitis and laryngitis. I have spent many hours waiting in doctor's offices because I am the unfortunate client of a poorly run medical clinic... don't even get me started.

Today required another trip to the same clinic for the results of a bloodtest. My doctor told me if all was well, there would be no phone call. Sure enough there was a phone call. Immediately I ran through all of the possibilities of what that could mean. As is often the case, what is unknown is far scarier than the reality. I began to think of some of the worst-case scenarios I have known: the friend who went to the doctor thinking he had the flu and ended up fighting for his life following chemotherapy, or my grandmother who after an extended period was still having problems with nosebleeds, passed away 7 months later from Cancer.

Since my "clinic" doesn't book appointments- you REALLY don't want to get me started - I spent 1 hour waiting for the possibility of a 5 minute conversation with a doctor to tell me what the problem was, but I had to leave because I had go to work.

Once again frustrated and without answers I got MAD. When I got back to my car I slammed the door and vented my frustration. The level of my anger higher than the situation merited, however, as I drove "assertively" back to work, I wondered why my response was so strong. It didn't make any sense.

I took a deep breath and realized that if I was really honest with myself, that I would admit to being scared more than anything else.

It was another lesson for me as God expands my understanding of who I am in Him.

Sorry to leave you hanging, but I still haven't recieved the results!

I need your Help

I want to get the word out about a project I am working on.

I support of our troops, I wanted to make a difference. I have created a way for us all to say Thank you to the troops.

Send an email to tenthousandthanks@yahoo.ca , you see the vision and the passion and the purpose. PLEASE tell everyone you know, and take a moment to write a Thank You note. This will only come to fruition of everyone makes a small contribution.

In Rememberence

This is typical of images we see all over the news at this time of year. Rememberance day is one of those days that makes me look back, but then I suppose that is the point!

I am always fascinated by the faces of those who have been at war. Because of the age of many veterans, I try and figure out what they have seen in thier lives. When they were born it was likely the great depression, not everyone had a phone or even electricity. Newfoundland wasn't part of the country yet, the flag was different. None of the major events that have shaped our world had occurred yet. These men and women remember a time before Air Travel, before TV, before you went to the store to buy your milk. They recall a day when almost everyone went to church, as kids they would have sung God save the King and prayed the Lord's Prayer. Children were safe to play in the streets while mothers gathered for tea on someone's porch.

I think of all of the advances around them and I often wonder if we are better off. Better off with our iPods, and our Space Travel. Better off with the opportunity to have 'friends' arond the world while we ignore the people in our own homes.

We have so much because brave men an women throughout our history.

Last week, I was waiting in Line for lunch, and in front of me were two men in Uniform. They were a part of our forces. As I stood there, everything within me wanted to just tap them on the shoulder and say "Thank You". I felt a little silly, and I also had to swallow hard to keep the tears at bay. I wish I could tell you that I did it, but I didn't and they walked away not knowing how I felt.

This is my THANK YOU card to all of those who have and are serving. We DO thank you, appreciate you, and we know that everyday you make sacrifices. Even when you are not overseas or in danger, you carry the weight of the defense of our nation on your shoulders. Whatever we might say about our agreement or disagreement with the politics of where you fight, know that we support YOU the people.

Thank YOU!!!

Indulge me

Somethings you might be surprised to know about me:
1) I have changed the oil in my car
2) I can make cherries jubilee
3) I love action flicks
4) I can back up a tractor and trailor- even if I've only done it with a lawn tractor
5) I always wanted to be a fighter pilot
6) My grandfather is one of my heroes
7) I speak very rudimentary Japanese
8) I jumped out of a plane
9) I am shy when I meet people for the first time
10) I have pitched a tent and made a fire by myself in the rain- and danced a "man make fire dance"
11) A piece of my heart beats for Africa- I have always wanted to go there
12) I used to be a competitive swimmer and I was a lifeguard
13) I once sang a solo in a school play
14) I have a diploma in Hotel and restaurant management
15) Hearing sirens always makes tear up
16) Sitting by the water is the only time I ever feel completely myself

Tears and Fears

I began to ponder today what my life would be like if I didn't allow myself to be limited by my fears and what I feel like other people would think of me.

I was watching Survivor and thinking that I would do pretty well in the bush. I have no issues with living a simple life, camping and not worrying about all the details that city life distracts us with. I am strong and resourceful and I am not really "afraid" of anything. Then that little voice inside of me started to talk to me about all my insecurities. My evil twin who lives in my mind- you have one too, I know you do- started to break down my "reality" . It began to list my limitations in that area: I don't like seafood, I am too out of shape for the challenges, I am not good with strategy and frankly no one wants to see me in a bathing suit!!

It is frustrating to know that the fears and the insecurities that I have are robbing me of the very life that I want. There are events that I decline to go to because of stupid reasons. And it is happening more and more.

I had a conversation with a VERY close friend. One who knows almost everything about me. We were talking about boys, and one in particular. She was talking about the things he liked to do and how he was looking for an outdoorsy woman who "can wake board and use an outhouse", and was speaking as if that explained why she didn't think of me for him. In her mind I didn't fit those criteria!!!

It shocked me to think that my very closest friend doesn't think of me in that way, when in fact, my fondest memories as a child are being at camp where there were outhouses, and canoeing and trees and "outdoors"!!! And more than that, I have camped by myself in a tent with just a fire for warmth and cooking!!! It made me wonder..... have I accurately presented the real me to the people around me???

This is not about camping or Survivor or even about boys (I know-shocking!) nor is it about my friend. This is about dropping all the facades and getting "messy" with who I am! It seems that despite my best efforts to be 'real' I have marketed a pretty slick package to present to the world, and now I have to reap the results of being pigeonholed. I want to scream, I am more than the plus size almost 6' woman with the heels and the purses!

This is a complex idea, and even as I write I realize that there are about 14 different ways that this could go. Do I write about my fears, do I devle into the reasons why I have the insecurities that I have, do I write a manifesto on who I really am, do I encourage you to look beyond what you know about those around you and learn something surprising?? Or perhaps I can take a cue from Lori (see favourite blogs) and do a series!

For now I will leave you with one thought. It comes from Oprah's show today where High School kids were Challenged to share with one another and esentially "see" each other for the first time. One question that was asked resonanted with me, I think it is at the core of who we are as children of God who just want to be known.

Here it is: "If you really knew me, you would know that....." and it was in sharing what goes into the blanks that drew people together.

This is my answer. If you really knew me, you would know that I have always felt like I don't belong. Not because of anything that I lack, but because of the diversity of my interests and the scope of my personality, and anytime they try to categorize me, it never seems to fit.

Irreplaceable

I recently read a book called "Captivating" (John & Staci Eldridge). It is an amazing book about the heart of a woman. Pick it up- you won't be sorry!

Anyway, in the book they talk about the things that women need in their lives. One thing we need in our lives is to be "an irreplaceable part of a grand adventure". Doesn't that just get your heart beating?? I love the idea of an adventure, and then to the an IRREPLACEABLE part of that adventure...... wow! For me, that is the key... the irreplaceable part.

When you are single there are many adventures. Every new guy you meet could be "the One", friends are finding their ways and by proxy we experience these adventures with them by being in their weddings, attending showers, gettting pictures of thier kids in the mail. Amazing fun stuff like that. My life has been so full of adventures. I have Great friends, family that I love and just enough drama to keep my friends entertained at parties!

Even with all that though, something is always missing. I always have to say goodbye at the end of the night. I leave friend's homes full of joy but empty-handed, after each event, I get into my cold car and drive home. I never get to take those adventures home with me. These are not my adventures, I am just walking alongside- or am I??

If you have been reading this since the beginning you will know that I had a really bad few months rom May-Oct. You can go back and read some of the first entries to really get an idea. But to summarize, I was a little mad at God. I felt as though I had nothing solid in my life to rejoice in. I had no grand adventure, no men, no big events to look forward to, and to top it off, I didn't like going to work everyday. I felt justified in being mad at God because I felt as though I had done everything that He had asked me to, there was nothing in the way of His plan for my life. There were no obvious obstacles. I was completely free to follow whatever course He wanted my life to take- I was waiting for the beginning of MY grand adventure - but there was silence.

So I felt like He had left me in the desert to whither away. I often thought to myself, if this is going to be the way my life is going to be day-in, day-out I don't want it. I don't want to live until I am 90 if this is how it is going to be.

Gradually though, God has been wooing me, taking care of me, and I am seeing the results everyday. Now I have different lenses to see the world through!

As I thought more and more about Adventures, I realized that my whole assumption might be wrong. So often we thing of God's will for our lives -or the Grand Adventure- as being one path that spans a lifetime. Those of us who didn't pop out of the womb knowing that we wanted to be Doctors or Lawyers or Garbagemen often question when. When will MY grand adventure begin. Especially single women, we wait for that man to enter our lives so that the adventure can begin.

I have realize though, that adventures are not long-term. Anyone who has ever watched Dora the Explorer know you can have a really cool adventure in 30 minutes and still have room for commericals! Adventures vary in lenght. I have begun to realize that even with goal setting and long-term plans that there are still seasons and stages and so doesn't it make sense that our lives would be made up of many Adventures?? Long, medium and short term??

As I thought of that, I took a moment to let the paradym shift in my mind and then tackled the question from a different angle. Instead of asking "when does my adventure start?" I made the assumption that my presence in people's lives had the same irreplaceable part as they had in my life.

I realized that adventure is all around me and that I hold an irreplaceable part in many adventures.. I am the ONLY daughter my parents will ever have- irreplaceable. I am the best Auntie Laura Mac & Sam will ever know. There are other Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents but I am the only Auntie Laura. I met Mac within an hour of her birth- irreplaceable.
I am the first person my new roommate met when she came to Ottawa-irreplaceable.

And of course.... I am God's creation and design He made me Irreplaceable.

More reasons to like being single

1) Late nights with the girls
2) Last minute plans
3) Using the china- just because
4) Being able to spoil the kids in your life
5) Being able to "give back" those same kids
6) Crushes
7) Shopping without guilt
8) All the messages on the machine ARE for me!
9) Getting a glimpse of how people think of you when they set you up with someone
10) A completely CLEAN and Tidy house!!

Beauty and the Ladies

Life is happy! I totally just got blessed with amazing free stuff. I hosted a candle party and got so much from it! It is another example of the mulitplication of God!!!

Where else, but in God's kingdom, do we get to spend "girl time" together, looking at beauty that has nothing to do with appearance, enjoy each other's company, eat good food, and then walk away with MORE than when we arrived?

MORE: friendships
MORE: information
MORE: appreciation for God
MORE: refreshed

This is the fuel of my life. People, beautiful things, happy home, and shopping for FREE stuff.

I always thought of the song "Oh, for a thousand tongues to sing" as meaning that I would need a thousand tongues to sing for a thousand years and still not be able to itemize the goodness and majesty of God. Again we are back at repayment for favours and "services".

But with all that God has done in and FOR me this past few weeks, I realize that the goodness and the greatness of God is so vast and I am soooooo grateful for all that He is doing, that even if there were a thousand tongues for a thousand years, it wouldn't BEGIN to itemize what he has done much less RESPOND and begin to shed light on how it makes me love Him more!!

There are so many instances of His caring and concern for the condition of my heart and for the provision of my life, that it would literally take hours and hours and hours to explain it all!
After so long feeling as though the heavens were brass, I am overwhelmed by the almost constant embrace of God in His provision for me. It has truly been a situation where He has even to provide the love that I then give back to Him- "because He FIRST loved me"!

Many of the situations have to do with money and big potential expenses-car repairs, appliances not working, furnaces that needed coaxing to come alive after the summer. As well as finding the right roommate to being ill and not knowing if my time off would be paid or not!

It has been since Thanksgiving, that all of this has taken place, and to go back and read where I was even the day before Thanksgiving, so much is different, but NOTHING has changed. I haven't started fasting, I haven't been praying 20 hours a day. I have changed NOTHING except my attitude of gratitude.

Through it all there has been an abiding peace. I have felt the needs and the stress, but I have not felt the weight of being ALONE in the struggle. It is only looking back that I can even identify what I felt, and that is CARED FOR.

I have felt for the first time maybe ever, that God will always CARE for me. There is a difference between being loved and being cared for. It is that sense of priority. It is what I recall as a kid feeling when I knew that when the rubber hit the road, it wasn't MY problem to solve.

As they say "the penny dropped" and all of those scriptures about God being our ALL; seeking first the kingdom and ALL these things will be added; suddenly I am beginning to understand what that could mean to my life.

And 1000 tongues, singing for 1000 years couldn't BEGIN to describe MY GOD!!