Fighting through

Today I participated in an event that I have wanted to do for a long time and yet never thought I had it in me. I did a 5km race. It was a big achievement-not from an athletic perspective, my time was horrible. Good thing that wasn't the point of today though. The point today was simply to show up and to finish.

Surprisingly, simply showing up was a battle that I didn't expect. I realized as I stood there waiting for the race to start that I was fighting this whole idea that I didn't belong and that given the fact that I wimped out on my training, I probably didn't even deserve this achievement.

As the race began, I actually began to cry as my iPod played Jonny Lang's "Only a Man". One verse of the song is an exchange between "the man" and God:

Man: I'll give you my burdens...
God: I'll give you peaced
Man:..all of my desires
God: ..... I'll give you what you need
Man:...what about these chains, Lord
God: I'll set you free
Man: But they're so heavy
God: Just lay them at my feet

Man: Just promise you won't leave me
God:I'll never leave
Man: So where do I go from here. Lord
God: Just follow me, just follow me

It was a beautiful reminder that no matter what the burdens, the lies I have believed about myself, or the limitations that I thought Iwould never overcome, all these things are chains that God has said He will take and deal with.

As the rest of the journey unfolded, God used the music on my iPod to motivate and speak to me about the truth of Who He is.

I am grateful to have a God who doesn't hold us ransom to our inadequacies.

I am also grateful for an amazing friend who cheered me on, and made her voice heard above the crowd to let me know she was proud of me! Thanks roommie!

The sound of peace!

As I studied today for a paper I am writing on Galatians, I was reminded of how much I love the feel and the sound of Bible pages turning. As I browsed through looking for a particular scripture, it occurred to me how amazing God is for even this detail. That some one would decide that His word was worthy of special treatment and leather and gold edged pages. It just adds an aspect of beauty to the study of His precious Word.

Long time... good times

It is my deep desire to realign some things in my life. To reclaim the priorities that need to be in their right place. Part of that is blogging and writing. It has been a long time since I flexed this muscle and so I beg your indulgence as I get back into the swing of things.

In the last year much has changed and things have not always been easy but with the grace of God, I continue to press into Him and He will bring me through.

And that's my brother!

Happy Birthday to my Brother!

Today is his birthday and so here are the top things I like about him.

I like that he is older, and he had to go first... always!
I love that he taught me how to tie my shoes
I like that I can always find him in a crowd!
I LOVE that there is no one I know more clear-headed in a crisis.
I love how much he loves his daughter!
I admire him for tackling life's difficulties in what is sometimes the most difficult way.... just showing up.
I like that he can give me a hug that envelopes me... not many people can
I even like that they are kind of rare... because then I get to enjoy them more!
I like that he is thoughtful when it matters most.
I liked being well known in high school as "Shorty's sister".
He is generous, and big hearted!
I love that everywhere he goes, there are friends he cares about.
I love when he gets me laughing until I can't breathe!
I love it when he is most himself and the depths of who he is comes forth.
I love that he can bring me to tears with a well-timed email!

You don't know big brother, because I don't tell you enough, how much I love you, and how inspired I am that you are following your life-long dream. To see you passionate about the next step calls me to higher things.

Keep going, keep being who you are, I am cheering you on from the sidelines.....

Happy Birthday!

And that my friends is my brother.....

My Valentine's Day

I have fallen in love this Valentine's day! Today was a beautiful sunny winter day. I ventured downtown to take in the beauty of the day and Winterlude.

As I wandered around I was reminded of just how much I love this city that I live in. Being the Nation's Capital it hosts so many amazing sights and events and festivals.

Here are some of the sights I saw...

An Ice Scuplture representing NATO's 60th year. And a man tying his skates getting ready to skate on the Largest Skating Rink in the WORLD!

I love seeing the flag flapping in the breeze over Parliament Hill!

Any time you forget about what is right in front of you, it is easy to assume that the somewhere is better.... but when you recall what is amazing! Anywhere can be home!

Pocket Litter

I am reading a book about undercover agents (That will surprise almost none of you) and I came across a fun descriptor. It is "Pocket Litter". Pocket litter is defined as all that extra stuff that you collect as a result of just living your life.... like the receipts in your wallet, parking stubs, mints from restaurants.. ladies it is all that stuff that swims around at the bottom of your purse- it is important for undercover agents to establish the credibility of their "cover".....

I have decided that I like the term and will use it as much as I can.... Today I was trying to rid myself of all the "pocket litter" that fills up space on a laptop that you have had for many years. (good use of my new vocab!) All over the hard drive are articles partly written, little "post-it" notes with confirmation numbers for service calls I made 2 years ago, and spreadsheets with big plans for changing the world.... but buried in the pocket litter, I found this quote....

"Opportunity comes from expertise, not just luck, talent, and passion. If you find it impossibly tedious to become an expert about what you think matters to you, then you're not chasing a dream, you're just daydreaming." - By Jerry Porras

OUCH... I don't recall who Jerry Porras is, or where I heard this or read this but clearly it had an impact. I realize that I am truly just daydreaming about so many things.

I think that I will spend a little more time fishing for treasures amongst the "pocket litter"

Purpose

Many people have asked me what the best part about my time overseas was. I would have to say the sense of purpose. The camp that I lived at was very large, yet had no unemployment. No one is there without a purpose or a job. Everyone knows their job and role and how that impacts the whole mandate. It was truly a practical example of the way a body works. I had one job, and if I did my job well, others would have what they needed to do their job well. It is amazing how a sense of purpose raises the whole feel of an environment.
People walk taller, they speak with authority, there are none who are higher or lower and none who are mooching off the others. When you meet someone here in Canada and you ask them what they do for a living, we often use that to judge their value or worth. But in an environment where all have purpose and all are doing their job, when you ask someone what they do, it serves to show you one more piece of the overall puzzle.
The Bible talks about vision and purpose, and how without a vision the people perish-Proverbs 16:4 The LORD has made everything for its purpose,even the wicked for the day of trouble. And I have found it to be true that it is life-giving to have a purpose. Some people feel like they have no purpose...
Exodus 9:16 But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth.
So rise up and take your purpose. Our pastor said on Sunday, if you are looking for your calling you don't need to.... we are all called to proclaim Christ, the difference for each person is in the HOW. What is your "How?" How has God uniquely equipped you for His service?

The Checklist

OK... so it begins...
Midweek sitting in my trackpants........ check
Reading excessive amounts of literature.......check
Wondering what I got myself into.......check
Hoping this will have some practical application.......check
Craving chips and pizza...... check and check
High liklihood of Kraft Dinner for lunch..... check

Yep..... its official! I am a student! What is next?? Mr. Noodles...... mmmmm Mr. Noodles, I think they sell them by the case............

I have just put into motion a lifelong dream and expectation of myself to complete my Bachelor's Degree. I have an opportunity now to do that online. I can't wait!

Here we go!

Sad Sad Sad

This article appeared on CNN.com

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/05/army.suicides/index.html

The quote that stood out to me more than others:
The Army said it already has confirmed seven suicides, with 17 additional cases pending that it believes investigators will confirm as suicides for January.
If those prove true, more soldiers will have killed themselves than died in combat last month. According to Pentagon statistics, there were 16 U.S. combat deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq in January.

We need to pray. We need to lift up our troops.

You know it's a bad day when!

You know its a bad day when you turn to JOB and find encouragement!

In my bumpy road back to life here, I had a very bad weekend. It got to the point where on Sunday I was sitting in church (mostly because I really didn't want to answer the questions of why I didn't go!) all I could do was weep. I didn't know why, I couldn't put it into words, I just wanted to sit in the room where I knew God was going to be for sure, and be a little angry with Him, and be a little sad, and be a little out of sorts. As I sat there tuning in and out of the sermon I couldn't have even told you what was wrong. I opened my Bible for the first time in many days.
While I was away there was a scripture that a few of us had been talking about and I had put a bookmark there to re-read it later. I opened it yesterday and began to read. In Job 22:21-30 I saw something I had never seen before. We so often quote the Psalm "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". I have, many times wanted to know more about what "delighting" means as regards to God- I suppose so that I could have the key to unlocking the rest... but that is for another day!- and here it was again, right in front of me:
26For then you will delight yourself in the Almighty and lift up your face to God
As I looked back into the previous verses, the bullet points hit me one after another.....
23: If you return to the Almighty
23: If you remove injustice from your hands
24: If you lay gold in the dust
25:THEN THE ALMIGHTY WILL BE YOUR GOLD AND YOUR PRECIOUS SILVER

With EVERYTHING in me... I want The Almighty to be that precious to me! I WANT to delight myself in Him, and I know that a place of delight will be all I desire.

There is a song that has been resonating through my soul for weeks.... it is by Steve Bell called "Here by the Water". It could really be this passage in Job set to music. Isn't it cool how God sets us up!

Re-Entry

I suppose we have all watched lots of space movies where the astronauts have to reenter the earth's atmosphere. Having watched those movies, we know that the most dangerous time for a space flight is the re-entry. I am not an astronaut nor have I ever spoken to one, however I think that I can safely make some assumptions about what might be going on their heads at the most important times. I would imagine that just before descent, there is a feeling of excitement for the upcoming reunions with family and friends, nervousness at the realities of the dangers, a tiny desire to just stay where you are despite the distance but a determination to pull it all together and do what your job says you are supposed to do, but mostly I would imagine there is a strong feeling that this is all out of my control and all I can do is hang on!
How can I imagine these things?? Because in my return from overseas, I have felt all of these feelings.
After a long time away from home like that, most people assume that you are totally ecstatic to be home. That you cannot possibly want to go anywhere for a long time, and just to sit in the kitchen of family is all you want to do. While all that is very true... it is not the whole story.
I have found in the midst of re-entry that I have been surprised. I have been surprised by the sheer number of people who are so excited to see me. I have been amazed at how much things have changed while at the same time, stayed exactly the same.
Logistically, my return has been easy. Same house, same friends, same church that looks the same, and I am so grateful for that. It has been seamless to slip back into my life as it was before. But like so many things, the challenges come in the little things.
With all the big stuff taken care of, I expected that life would simply pick up where it left off.... and then it didn't. There was a moment just after I got home that I realized that there would be differences, and they might just catch me off guard. I would have to watch out for those things.
A really funny and strange example of that was the first time I went out with friends. We were going to a club for some one's birthday, and I opened my jewellery box to choose some earrings and stopped. I realized I had NO idea what the current styles were. Although it seems insignificant, it was the first of many things that I had to navigate through. My friend who had also just returned was going to the same event and as I picked her up, we BOTH realized we didn't know whether our earrings were still in style! As we made our way to the event, I was nervous about it.
Once we got to the event, I totally forgot about the issue and even realized later that I forgot to check those around me. But the stress of that moment was an indicator of bigger things to come. I suddenly realized that I would, in a hundred different ways have to choose to overcome the fear that travels alongside uncertainty. If I let those moments, they could overwhelm me and cause me to shrink back into myself. I am choosing to not let those moments dictate my actions, however, like what those astronauts in my movies do, I will continue to monitor the indicators and watch for early warning signs, all the while stay fixed on my destination. Hang on, it might be a bit bumpy.......

Trusting God More!

I am back! I have returned from 6 months in the Middle East! It was an amazing experience and there is so much that needs to be written about!
In the midst of a return to civilization and this world (it really is like living on another planet!) , there have been some unexpected challenges. The organization that I worked for provides for some of the costs associated with "re-entry". I stored my car, and so it needed work to get it back on the road. Except mine was more than 5 times the amount that was allocated. I can only assume that they looked at the 'usual' costs and found out the average costs of getting a car road worthy again. That was, to say the least, upsetting, then within 2 DAYS, I have had another circumstance with the car that will be another large chunk of money!
As I drove away from the garage after hearing yet another $800 quote for something that NEEDS to be repaired so that I can renew my license (So it's not even optional!), I was in tears, and very angry. I began to cry out to God. "Why is this happening?" "You are supposed to protect my finances" and "I am just trying to be a good steward with what You provided and this stuff is outside my control to balance!" It was just a moment of pure frustration.
As I spent time with a friend and was telling her the story, she is a newer Christian and I was trying to "spin" it so that God would be given the glory, even though I didn't feel that way, I felt like I could mentor her a bit in the thought process. As I did, though, the things I was saying about what the Truth is began to work on my heart.
I realized that this circumstance is not a surprise to God. He knew it was going to happen. He knows the future, my job situation, and my bank balance, He holds it all in His hands and He has the responsibility to provide.
While I was away, there were no money challenges, I got paid VERY well, and where I was living everything was taken care of. No need to trust God for the moment by moment realities of expensive finances. Having that as a non-stressor, I want to live like that again. I want to walk through everyday knowing that Someone has a plan for provision. So I have to trust God more!

Shifitng Paradigms

Hello again! I cannot believe that I have not posted for 3 months.... I have missed you very much! I didn't realize how much blogging had become a part of my world until it was removed. This has been an incredible experience.

I am about halfway through this adventure that God has called me to. It is strange to think of all that has happened in my life and heart.

When God calls us to something new, He so often calls us beyond ourselves, and in the midst of that calling, our lives, and thoughts, and hearts change. Have you ever 'felt' your life change? Have you ever stood in a moment and realized that you are different now than you were even 10 minutes ago? A few years ago, I got a CD from a Christian Group (not even sure if they are still together), and one of the lyrics is "I stand silent while my paradigm keeps shifting", and these lyrics run through my head constantly. I have had almost daily moments where I can almost feel my heart changing, or I KNOW that my paradigm has shifted.

I believe that God is always working in our lives, and everyday in the humdrum and mundane even, He has a purpose and a plan. Psalm 139 says that everyday is accounted for. I used to think that meant He knows how many days I will live, and while that is true, I think that there is more to it than that. I think that sometimes we underestimate God's thoughts towards us. He knows what you are going to be doing today, He knows that you were going to take this 10 minutes and read this post... and guess what..... He has a purpose for it, and He knows where it fits within the context of our lives!

When you or someone around you has a major change in circumstance like they go on a missions trip, or they move away, or something cataclysmic occurs, it is often easy to see the changes that occur in their lives, not because the change is more dramatic, but perhaps because the circumstances create a spotlight for us to see the changes because we are looking for them. I know that with this opportunity in my life, I will return to the 'real world' and people will spend time watching for changes, seeing how my time away has changed me. Interestingly enough, though, before I left, I had been through a season of major change as well, but my circumstances didn't change, and so no one seemed to notice.

I say that to encourage you, scrutinize your responses to things, be alert to your thoughts, and think back to last year, or last month, or perhaps even last week and see how different you are. If you are exactly the same, you might need to look at that and question why (maybe you are well adjusted and in the right head space, and don't need changing... if that is the case, please email me and I will turn the reigns of this over to you!), or perhaps you will be amazed at how much God has done in you in such a short time!

Taking a Sabbatical

I am off on a journey that will take me out of the 'blogging world' for the next 6 months. While I am away, rest assured that I will return... don't take me off your link lists! So, have a great rest of 2008 and see you in the new year!

Redraw the Line

How's this for 'messy' and out there. I lost 50 pounds, and I still feel fat!

Ok here's the story behind the emotion. A year and a half ago, God rocked my world and gave me success in weight loss for the first time in 100 years (or so it felt like!) , I was totally happy with the success of it all. I felt great, stronger, like for the first time I could accomplish a goal. In doing so God broke off a number of lids in my life regarding what I could accomplish.

Over time, I have slipped back into my old eating ways. Thankfully, I have not gained a whole lot back, but I do FEEL yucky like the old days. I have suddenly found myself thinking in the way I used to think, and dealing with those feelings in old ways.

There is a cycle that follows those who don't eat well and then gain weight. There is a sense of hopelessness to the whole situation, as day after day after day, you promise yourself that today I will stick to the 'holy' plan, only to succumb right after breakfast! For too many years, I lived beating myself up about the food I was putting into my mouth, and I thought that I had gotten a major breakthrough, that I was free!!!! Except like a lot of battles, merely gaining the ground is not enough, you have to fight to keep it!

All the way through my weight loss, I knew that I knew that God had done a big work in me just to be able to make the better choices and stick to them. It was all God. But I think over time, as I ate whatever I wanted to, and found that I didn't gain that much, I started to make a fatal mistake. I started to take credit for the weight loss, and for the changes in my life style. They became a source of pride (not in a good way!), and part of my identity. As time went on, I felt this accomplishment slipping away at the same rate as my jeans got a little tighter, and I suddenly felt myself being who I used to be. And I panicked every time I made a plan to get back on track and failed. I began to wonder why God had removed his grace from this area of my life.

In dealing with these feelings, I began to chat with a friend who has struggled with smoking on and off for years, and she has resolved and tried to quit more times than I can count. At one point she was doing quite well, and then something happened and she was back to it. She too felt like God had withdrawn the grace for the victory.

I began to think. What if there are moments in our lives where God does a great work, but requires of us that we continue to rely on Him to continue to see the victory in that area? What if occasionally He re-draws the line of our dependence on Him?

I think of the kids in my life and the times when they are doing something new, they are so determined to do it on their own and depending on what it is, I will stand by and watch, occasionally offering my help. Frequently what happens is help is needed but not for the WHOLE task, just for the next step. So I assist when asked, then take my hands off to allow for the learning to continue, until the next hurdle. I have noticed as they grow and get stronger, I find I stand just a little further away from them, because it helps me to see the big picture of what they are trying to accomplish, and they don't need me with my hand on their back like they did when they were toddlers.

Occasionally, they get to a point where they are stuck or don't know what to do next, an offer of help often is responded to with "no thanks, I can do it" followed by a long pause, then "umm... auntie Laura, could you help me?" With a smile, I always step in, but I need to wait to be asked. It makes sense that God responds similarly to us. I don't suppose that it is fair then, to wonder where His grace has gone, when we choose not to utilize it!

Is there an area of your life that needs God's help?

Weekend Reflections

I spent the weekend with 2 of my fave people in the whole wide world. My 8 year-old niece and my 5 year-old nephew. We did lots of fun stuff and have a great time. I am trying very hard to squeeze in as much time with them as I can before I go away for 6 months.

There are always challenges that come with kids who miss their parents and aunties who are tired from the shift into 'parenthood'. It is so much fun though, despite the challenges to stop and take stock of who these little people are becoming. The older they get, the more we recognize the personality traits that were present all along. I recall looking at baby pictures and seeing an expression that we thought was just 'cute' but we see now that it holds all the compassion and caring that is so much a part of who she is becoming as a young lady. In the same way, those big blue eyes and dimples he has had everyday of his life, continue to melt any amount of frustration or tiredness even when meting out consequences of his poor choices.

Coming home from a weekend with the kids, I always have a long list of examples of how my life with them is like my life with God. For weeks after, I will be in situations and God will whisper to me "do you remember with the kids... that is the same with me". It has seemed that my walk and development in the spirit has mirrored their physical development. When they were babies, God spoke to me about complete dependence on Him, as they are getting older and more independant, God is speaking to me about a maturing process in my life. Always it has to do with the sentiment expressed in Matt 7:9-11

9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

I think of the things that I am willing to do for those kids...... and that is me who is EVIL....... God is amazing!! Think about that!

One of only...

I have never been driven to be the best at anything. I have never desired the status that comes from being first. It never made any sense to me why people stand in line for hours to watch a movie on opening night.... I figure it will be the same movie 3 weeks from now when I watch it in a half empty theatre where I had my pick of seats.
Lately though, I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be "one of only..." I recently was selected to attend a training program/interview process for a really amazing job. For 2 weeks they put us through the paces, and we knew that there were more candidates than job offers. Right from the get-go it was instilled into us that we were the elite. 3000 resumes, 250 interviews, 100 candidates, and only 75 positions. It was truly an honour to be selected for the training.
Even more amazing perhaps is that in being chosen for the position, I realized, they have only run this program 5 times before, and only 75 people per session, means that for this exact job, only about 400 people in all of Canada have ever done what I am going to do! It makes you stop and think for a moment.
It is strange that in some circumstances we take our value and worth from the number of people we rank higher than. In other circumstances it is the fact that a pool is so limited that makes it so special.
Even though we spend our lives being ranked and judge either by how many we have overcome or by how limited the numbers we share our experiences with, with God, EVERYONE is exactly the same.... we are ALL sinners. The great levelling ground of our lives is in the declaration from God that we all need Jesus. Even more incredible is that even our sins are not ranked, God views each one as equal to the other. Amazingly then, the Bible says that we cannot boast in ourselves, because Christ is the sacrifice that makes grace possible-it is not of ourselves.
Yet, within this massive crowd of humanity that we stand shoulder to shoulder with, equally in need of salvation, Jesus is somehow able to draw us out, one-by-one, to meet our needs and to approach us in a unique way that says "You are my one and only. You are my beloved". Only once in all of human history, has a perfect, sinless, holy man, met the requirements that I, yet another sinner, needed for my salvation. To draw a very poor analogy..... that would be like destroying the Mona Lisa because the frame was the perfect size for my niece's drawing. But that is the value that God places on my life and yours. For Him, the sacrifice, while painful, was the entire point-as if da Vinci painted the masterpiece solely so that four hundred years later the frame would be available!
What do I do with my 'status? I whine and complain that I am not 'further along' in my walk, I ignore the prompting of God to dream bigger dreams, but what I think is most sad of all........ I forget..... I am one of only....... ONE...... loved by God, treasured, beloved, redeemed child of the most High..... guess what......

SO ARE YOU!!!

As Promised

We lost another hero. Another life spent in service to others. This time in a tragic accident. The tears don't know the difference, the loss no less painful. We think of his family and mates who are left behind. To you all, we say "Thank You"

In whose strength?

I had a realization this week. I have been preparing to make my journey overseas to work in an environment that is very challenging physically as well as spiritually. I had been approaching my preparations with the thought that I would have to have a self-perpetuating faith, a faith that doesn’t require the input and teaching of a community to keep the boiling point high. God has built us to need community, yet calls us to individual faith.

In my life, this requires a new level of pressing in, and seeking God’s face. I have realized just how much I am reliant on and crave the teaching I get at church to keep me going. As I have stepped back from a number of different commitments where I have been able to exercise faith and talk openly and see lives change, I have noticed that I had not fared quite as well as I thought I would. I began to rest on my own strength, to steel myself for the ‘fight’ of life, and I got whipped around by the waves. I noticed that after a couple of weeks of this, I was frustrated, angry and very very lonely.
As I pressed into God during worship on Sunday, I heard from the Lord on this point. I heard His gentle rebuke. I realized that not only was I trying to do this in my own strength, but that I had forgotten that God is going to be where I am going. He has not stopped at the border and stood aside and expected me to go ahead of Him. He is there, waiting, He has prepared hearts to hear the gospel, He has set up divine appointments already where I will be able to see God’s hand at work.
Even more interesting than that, is the fact that not only had my spiritual attitude changed slightly, but my outlook on a number of different issues that God had walked me into victory.
I realize just how weak my flesh is, how much I am desperate for the presence of God, and how even the things that we think ‘we’ have overcome, are not in our own strength, but in His.

Law of Diminishing Returns

There is a law that states that the more often something shocking happens, the less shocking it becomes. The same holds true with the highs from addictions, or the thrill from an adrenaline inducing experience.





Sadly, the same law seems to apply in the media. It used to be that a soldier killed in combat was headline news, it was the lead story. But 84 deaths later, and I have noticed that the stories are buried deeper and deeper. Now, it is hard to hear about at all. This is not acceptable. EVERY life is precious, election results from another country (even the states) should NOT override the tribute that our soldiers deserve. I am making a commitment to mark EVERY soldier's story on this blog. Nothing is more important than thanking those who are willing to stand in the gap.





Today, sadly there is one more picture to post. One more family devastated, one more hero lost to us.

When we forget to value the sacrifices, we lose a part of ourselves. We cannot turn a blind eye.